


In The Way A Ripple Becomes A Wave

by quakefalcon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur learns how to apologise, Canon Rewrite, Ealdor, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fix-It, M/M, Merlin Learns How To Trust Others, Minor Character Death, Past Merlin/Lancelot - Freeform, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, Will Lives, brief Will/Merlin - Freeform, character development is Not Immediately Forgotten, instead of just listening to the damn dragon, literally so slow i'm sorry, shade to the merlin writers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 75,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24788458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quakefalcon/pseuds/quakefalcon
Summary: How one life being saved changes the course of the future.* *A rewrite of Merlin (BBC) after the events of S1E10 "The Moment of Truth" on what would have happened if that arrow had hit Will just a few inches higher. Brief Will/Merlin.
Relationships: Gwen/Morgana (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 147





	1. The ripple

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a one shot to get my will/merlin feelings off my chest after starting a merlin rewatch, because, you know, quarantine, and then as i watched more episodes i got angrier and angrier at the show and this beast of a fanfiction came out. it's been a long four months indeed. i already have something like ten chapters written and ready even though i still have to write the last part of the whole story. i chose to not put a rating right now but later on i will switch it to explicit so i thought to warn you all if it's not your thing. i have no beta and also i'm not a native english speaker so any mistake you see is purely my own and i apologise in advance. i expect to post once a week!! enjoy xxx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will lives, simple as that.

Merlin wasn’t sure which words would best describe his first months in Camelot. Fun surely wasn’t between them, but at the same time he couldn’t help the fondness he felt towards this place and its people. It was like nothing he had ever felt before.

Not even in Ealdor he had felt this sense of belonging. This was something that burdened him, guilt lodged in his throat at the thought of what his mother would feel if he told her he didn’t feel welcomed in the place that she called her home.

Nonetheless, it was the truth.

Ealdor had never been his home, but rather a cage that wouldn’t even let him stretch out his legs. Merlin knew he was always going to live with the fear of his magic being discovered dangling over his head but at least in Camelot he had a purpose. In Ealdor he had felt like an unused tool, like he had little reason to be if he wasn’t applying his gifts to do good.

So this was why he was so on edge while going back to Ealdor. He wondered if he had left too early, if his destiny really was in Camelot since he was being called back to his birthplace so soon. He wondered if he should have stayed and if it would have done any good, if he could have spared his mother suffering and violence.

But Merlin didn’t have time to spend on these what ifs. He was headed to Ealdor with his mum to save his village from pillagers and bandits and he didn’t know if he was to come back.

He packed a bag with one change of clothes and knocked lightly on the door of his bedchamber once, as if to say goodbye, before closing it without looking back.

  
* * *  
  


While this wasn’t exactly the plan, he wasn’t at all displeased that Gwen and Morgana had come with him. It warmed his heart to look at them and being able to call such brave people his friends.

And he was glad he hadn’t had to say goodbye to them too. Gaius (and also Arthur, somehow) had already been difficult to look in the eye while he told them he was leaving. Gaius looked resigned, defeated, and wished him good luck while patting his back. And Arthur… Well, Arthur was a continuous source of surprises. He had looked at Merlin with something akin to regret in his eyes, as if there was something he was supposed to tell him but didn’t have the time to, and Merlin had inexplicably felt like his feet were made of lead. But he had to keep moving.

And that was it. He was probably never going to see Arthur again, so there was no use in dwelling on why the thought of being far from him made him feel like someone was squeezing his organs from the inside. He chalked it up to the disappointment of not being able to fulfill his destiny at Arthur’s side and just moved on, leaving his life in Camelot behind.

So, when he heard someone moving in the woods while everyone else was asleep, Arthur was the last person he was expecting to see.

Merlin couldn’t explain why his heart had leaped in his throat when he had heard Arthur’s voice behind him and he didn’t study too closely the way his stomach had clenched and how his hands became clammy and sweaty, because he felt like that was a horns’ nest he really didn’t want to poke, so he left it alone.

He trailed after Arthur back to the small camp he had built with Gwen’s help like a puppy trails behind its mother and sat with him across the fire.

Merlin’s heart was so beating so loudly that he wondered if Arthur could hear it too where he was sitting right there next to him in his shiny armour.

Arthur’s face by the fire was something to behold, with the way the shadows and the light played on his features, and Merlin avoided looking at him so that he wouldn’t do something stupid like thanking him.

“Thank you. I know you didn’t have to come” slipped out of his lips anyway and he cringed internally.

“Get some sleep” Arthur said in return, as if he hadn’t heard him.

Merlin went to sleep with a smile on his lips and he spent his last moments of consciousness wondering if Arthur had put on his armour himself or if he had another servant do it for him and Merlin had to ignore the feeling of discontent the thought gave him or otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all.

Thank the Gods he had always been good at deflecting his own thoughts.

  
* * *  
  


Arthur and Morgana walking down the same paths Merlin had walked since childhood was giving him a serious case of whiplash. They looked out of place, so beautiful and regal between dirt and crops and farmers, while Gwen fit right in next to Merlin, acquainted to poverty as she was.

He found himself wondering again as he often found himself lately and this time he tried to imagine how his life would have been if he had grown up with Gwen, Morgana and Arthur by his side.

Would he have told them about his powers? Would they have discovered them back then when he couldn’t fully control himself? Or would they have ignored him like the rest of the villagers did? Or worse, would they have hated him?

Merlin shook himself out of his dwellings and focused on what Arthur was saying to the farmers gathered around them. He could feel Will’s stare burning on the back of his neck. He gave him a side glance and grimaced while Arthur laid down his plans.

Will clicked his jaw shut with so much force it looked painful and shook his head, but Merlin didn’t have time for his anger.

He took a few steps closer to Arthur and angled his face away from Will, leaving a space of two feet between them that felt like a chasm he could never jump over.

Merlin didn’t look back when he heard the telltale sound of Will’s footsteps getting further and further.

  
* * *  
  


“What’s your friend’s problem?” Arthur asked him, his gaze fixed on the farmers training in front of him.

He was leaning against the wooden railing next to which Merlin was crouching to sort through chainmails, in search of something that wasn’t too weared down.

The question made Merlin’s head zip up faster than it should have, his eyes scanning the people before them. And there he was on the other side of the clearing: Will was sitting in front of a tree and looking at them with his arms crossed on his chest, displeasure clear in his posture.

“My friend?” Merlin said as if he was asking for confirmation and Arthur turned to look at him with his brows furrowed.

“I saw you two hugging earlier today. I assumed you know him or do you just go around and hug anyone now?” Arthur said with a snort.

“Why, are you jealous I haven’t hugged you yet?” Merlin tried to joke but it fell flat and it only had the consequence of making his ears go pink with embarrassment at the mental picture of how his arms around Arthur's waist would look like. He tried to make himself seem busy to not let on anything too incriminating and dug his hands in the pile of chainmails.

He heard Arthur shuffle awkwardly next to him and tried not to read too much into it.

When Arthur punched his arm, he was expecting it -and almost welcomed it, because at least this was familiar.

“Idiot” Arthur hissed while unconsciously mirroring Will’s pose and crossing his arms over his chest while staring at Merlin’s old companion in his childhood’s adventures.

“Will…” Merlin started with a sigh, “He’s complicated, sire”.

Arthur’s left eyebrow arched so high it almost disappeared behind his hair and he grunted in disbelief.

“Whatever” Arthur said with distaste shining through his voice.

“What’s with the staring contest?” Merlin teased him, fully righting himself up from the point where the pile of chainmails was laying.

Arthur stiffened and turned to look at him with his eyes narrowed.

“Which staring contest?” he asked threateningly, his posture turning even more defensive with the way his shoulders were drawn up.

Merlin shook his head in defeat, any hope of ever understanding Arthur gone two weeks into being his manservant.

“Whatever” he echoed with a shrug.

“Were you two close?” Arthur asked him in a rush and then looked like he was surprised by his own question. He bit on his lower lip and then avoided Merlin’s eyes, preferring to look at the farmers’ poor attempts at wielding the swords they were given.

“Yes, I guess you could say we were close” Merlin answered dismissively, nervousness swarming in his guts.

If Arthur ever picked up on what Merlin and Will had meant to each other in their teenage years -until eight months ago, actually-, Merlin wouldn’t know what he’d do. Would he find Merlin repulsive? Would that be even more disgusting to Arthur than magic?

Merlin sighed and ducked down to pick a chainmail randomly just to get out of this conversation.

“I’ll go… try this on” he informed Arthur, who just ignored him and didn’t look at him once while he was leaving.

  
* * *  
  


When Will cornered him outside his mother’s house that night, Merlin couldn’t exactly say that he wasn’t expecting it.

“Want to go the old abandoned barn for old times’ sake?” Will whispered after pushing him against the stone wall and caging him by putting his hands on either side of his head. Merlin blushed and tried to push Will away, but he didn’t relent.

“Will, come on, not here” he hissed hurriedly, glancing at the room through the window. He could see Hunith’s chest rise and fall with the ease of sleep and a little further there were Gwen and Morgana, laying under the same blanket and holding hands. Arthur was sleeping even further from them, his face cast in the light of the moon making Merlin’s heart sumersault.

Merlin cursed himself for getting up to get some more water at the well, because here he was, dangerously close to falling back into bad habits four feet away from someone whose respect he held dearer than his own life.

“Why, you’re afraid of what the sweet old Prince of the Prats would say?” Will egged him on, voice barely louder than a murmur.

Merlin glared at him.

“Stop being a prick” he said, punching Will’s chest weakly.

Will smiled and leaned in with a dare in his eyes. Merlin huffed through his nose, annoyment leaving him to make space for fondness.

“You’re an idiot. And this is dangerous” he said, hooking his fingers on Will’s belt anyway.

“Your face is dangerous” Will quipped back with a pleased smirk and let himself be drawn a little bit closer.

“That doesn’t even make sense” Merlin argued, resting his head against the wall and pouting, knowing that Will would eat it up.

“Your face doesn’t make sense” Will said, staring at his lips.

Merlin scoffed, throwing his hands into the air.

“Insufferable” he murmured, before trying to shove Will away again and finally succeeding.

He looked nervously around them to see if anyone was around -and he realised he should have done this earlier, because this _was_ dangerous. When he was sure they were alone, Merlin grasped Will’s hand and dragged him away.

He guided him out of the village and across the crops as if he had never left. He pushed him into the old abandoned rotted barn as if it was just any other day in Ealdor. He accepted his kisses as if he hadn’t broken Will’s heart by leaving. He let Will touch him as if they still were two teenage boys who only had each other and the skin on their back.

Merlin ignored the realisation that he was putting only one half of his heart in it, while the other half looked upon him with disappointment and pity, and he just let himself feel good.

Meanwhile, in Hunith’s house, Arthur turned on his other side, facing the wall and staring at it like it had mortally wounded him.

  
* * *  
  


The next morning, Will was constantly smiling like he had won something and Arthur was scowling even more than usual.

Merlin didn’t let them distract him and went through all the things he had to prepare for the fight.

At lunch, Arthur sat far away from him and that wasn’t odd in itself but the way he was refusing to look his way definitely was.

Merlin didn’t let this shake him but anxiety flooded his mind at the thought that he’d heard something last night. He stared at his bowl and tuned out Morgana and Arthur’s voices discussing proper armour etiquette.

Gwen poked him gently in the arm and asked him softly: “Are you okay, Merlin?”.

“Of course…” Merlin assured her with a smile and ignored how Arthur had gone silent on his side of the table.

Gwen returned the smile and squeezed his shoulder comfortingly.

Later that night, while he was washing the day off, he noticed a bruise on the side of his hip in the shape of Will’s hand and sighed, falling on a chair and wearily dragging a hand down his face.

* * *  
  


Hunith’s words (“ _Arthur must care for you a great deal_ ”) were ringing through his mind the whole day, even though he would never let himself believe them, and he was still thinking about them when he heard Arthur’s laughing on the other side of the clearing that was emptied out and dark after a full day of training.

And it wasn’t his good laugh. No, it was the worst laugh he could have produced today. It was the _prattish_ laugh. The one he whipped out whenever he felt like being extremely mean.

Merlin groaned internally and looked at where he was standing and did a double take when he saw Will talking to Arthur with a disgusted look on his face.

Merlin immediately dropped the wood he was carrying and ran towards them, hoping that they hadn’t been talking long.

“HEY!” he said when he reached them, so loudly then even he grimaced at himself.

Neither Arthur nor Will acknowledged his arrival, staring at each other with dangerous smiles and clearly daring each other to speak first.

Surprisingly, Arthur caved in first, turning to look at Merlin and saying, with something so sweet in his voice it sounded like molasses: “Merlin, come help me with the swords. They need sharpening”.

Before Merlin could say anything, Will grabbed his shoulder and inserted himself into the convo.

“I think Merlin here deserves a break… After all, he has been working hard the whole day while you waved your sword around and sat on your royal arse” Will said, almost as sweetly.

Merlin looked at him with his mouth hanging open, almost scandalized, even though he himself had said way worse to Arthur.

“ _Will_!” he exclaimed, shoving Will’s hand off his shoulder. Arthur observed this with a smug look on his face that Merlin couldn’t even begin to explain to himself.

Will glared at the prince and threw an arm over Merlin’s shoulders, pressing him against his side almost possessively.

Merlin was screaming inside, trying to convince himself that Arthur wouldn’t know so that he could calm down enough to give Will the talk down he deserved.

“Sorry, Merlin… Let’s go now, I have so much to tell you about what you missed in these few months you weren’t here. I’ll tell you all about it in the barn” Will said loudly as if to make a point and Merlin was so shocked by his rudeness and forwardness that he almost let Will drag him away from Arthur’s side.

When he regained control of his -admittedly gangly- limbs, Merlin disentangled himself from Will abruptly and stared at him like he had gone crazy. For the first time since this weird conversation started, Will looked unsure of himself but he recovered quickly, narrowing his eyes at Arthur like he wasn’t going to hand him the victory just yet. Arthur crossed his arms over his chest and widened his stance, silently gloating -over what, Merlin didn’t know.

“Then I guess I’ll see you later tonight…” Will said with a smile returning on his lips and a lascivious and suggesting undertone to his voice that Merlin wanted to slap him for, “I can’t believe we have so much to catch up on when you left only for such a short and meaningless time… So short it looks like nothing next to all the years we’ve been friends, uh?”.

“I don’t know what’s going on here” Merlin admitted slowly, eyes wide, “But Will, stop being weird. And anyway, I still have duties to attend to”.

Will smacked his lips in annoyance and huffed something that sounded like a curse under his breath, but barreled on in what seemed like a desperate attempt to gain back the upper hand in a game of chess Merlin wasn’t privy to.

“I’ll still see you later, though, right? At the barn?” he asked and Merlin tried to force down his blush.

“I think I’ll just go to sleep after finishing my assignments with Arthur. We both need to rest if we’re to fight tomorrow” Merlin said carefully, even though he really wanted to strangle him.

He couldn’t believe Will would act like this right in front of Arthur, when he knew what Arthur meant to him. Merlin backtracked in his own mind, correcting himself: what working in Camelot meant to him. Arthur was just an added bonus. Or not. No, definitely not. He was just coincidentally Merlin’s whole destiny.

_Well._

_Crap._

There was no way Merlin could have left that line of thought unfinished without it festering in his mind and becoming something else -something he still hadn’t fully admitted to himself and that he totally wasn’t ready to acknowledge yet. But he cut the thought back anyway and he turned his attention back on the matter at hand.

Will looked hurt by Merlin’s dismissal and guilt prickled at the corners of Merlin’s heart, but then Arthur clapped his hand on Merlin’s back and smiled so brightly Merlin couldn’t help but stare at him, a little in awe.

“That’s very sensible of you, Merlin, I’m glad” Arthur said, smugness so heavy in his voice and in his body language that Merlin was only even more confused.

Arthur’s eyes flew to Will’s face for a second and his smile grew in size. He wrapped a hand around Merlin’s bicep and tugged him gently.

“Come on, those swords won’t polish themselves” Arthur said cheerily while Will glared so intensely at his hand on Merlin that Merlin wouldn’t even have been surprised if it caught fire.

“But you said sharpen, not polish” Merlin argued, confused at himself as to why he would get hung up over such a tiny detail when something significant had apparently just happened in front of him without him even knowing what it was.

“Oh, yeah, I meant that one, sure” Arthur waved him off before starting to tug him away, looking even more cheerful when Merlin didn’t oppose to being manhandled in any direction Arthur wanted.

Will grunted in displeasure behind them but didn’t stop them and Arthur threw him a victorious look, as if he had won a fight Merlin didn’t know about -and he wasn’t really sure he ever wanted to know.

When he and Arthur had reached the table where they kept the swords and he had studied each and everyone carefully, he frowned in confusion and put his hands on his hips.

“Arthur, these swords are perfectly sharp enough”.

  
* * *  
  


The fight with Kanen went as well as it could have gone, all things considered. There were many wounds to heal and a fire to put out, but it had left them all fairly satisfied with themselves.

Apart from Will, that is, who was still complaining about the arrow that he got stuck in his shoulder in order to save Arthur’s life.

Merlin had treated his wound quickly, sensing Arthur’s anger and confusion and wanting to give Will the chance to run away before Arthur made up his mind about what he was going to do to Will.

“You’re going to be fine, you big baby” he said while pushing Will onto a chair, trying to quell down the panic that was screaming warning bells in his head.

They fell into hurried silence while Merlin unraveled bandages and mixed a salve to apply to the wound.

“You didn’t have to take the blame for the spell” Merlin whispered carefully when he turned towards Will, conscious of the people just outside the door.

“Don’t be stupid, Merlin, it doesn’t suit you” Will said with a warning glare.

“Others have said the contrary on more than one occasion” Merlin said, faking a levity he could never feel at a moment like this.

His heart was pounding really fast in his chest and his fingers worked even faster, fastening the bandages on Will’s shoulder.

When he had finished and he was about to raise his hand from his shoulder, Will grabbed his wrist firmly and looked at him seriously.

“Whatever happens with the Prince of the Prats over there, just don’t do anything stupid, okay? Promise me” he said in a hush, a hurry in his voice that spoke of worry and urgence. But the worry was directed at Merlin, not at himself, and that was what pushed tears out of Merlin’s eyes.

“I can’t let you take the blame” Merlin said firmly, turning his hand around and grasping Will’s hand.

Will shook him by the shoulder harshly with his free hand and barked: “This is not a joke, Merlin”.

He squeezed Merlin’s fingers and looked at him almost pleadingly and Merlin just stood there crying silently and holding his hand.

“You can’t let Arthur know about your magic, Merlin, please, just let me take the blame. I have nothing to lose” Will begged.

“I do” Merlin sobbed.

Will shook his head forlornly.

“We don’t belong with each other anymore… I’m not yours to lose anymore, just like you’re not mine either” Will said with something wild in his eyes that was pleading him, “Just let me do this for you”.

Merlin opened his mouth to argue but the sound of the door opening behind them made him jump, disentangling his hand from Will’s as if it burned him. He wiped his eyes quickly and looked behind him, watching Arthur standing in the threshold with a murderous look on his face.

Merlin unconsciously took a step further in front of Will to shield him, but that only seemed to anger Arthur more.

“Arthur-” he started but the prince held up a finger and glared so he shut his mouth with a click. Merlin felt the scraping of chair legs on the floor and patted the air behind him to make Will sit back down, but he was ignored.

“Not a word” Arthur said to Merlin viciously, taking a couple of steps into the room and slamming the door shut behind him with his foot.

He pointed at Will, whose head was poking out behind Merlin’s shoulder.

“You. I thought really hard about it, but I am not your prince and you are not under my rule and therefore you’re not under Camelot’s laws, so you’re lucky this time” he said and Merlin felt a breath punching out of his lungs, relief hitting him hard in the chest right before Arthur turned his finger at him, “But _you_ … you kept this from me”.

At those last words, Will shoved Merlin aside and glared at Arthur.

“Don’t take it out on him, sire” he said, spitting out the title like it was an insult, “He was only protecting a _friend_ … Not that I would expect you to understand”.

Arthur stiffened and looked impossibly furious.

“What exactly are you implying?” he said with ice dripping from his voice.

“A pompous arse like you can’t have that many friends, now can you?” Will said while widening his arms in a challenge that Arthur was too proud to back down from.

Merlin, knowing the signs, stepped between them and held his hands up.

“Will, stop it” he said, before looking at Arthur with a plea in his eyes. Arthur whipped his head away and avoided his gaze, resting his hands on his hips and breathing hard as if he was in pain.

“Thank you, sire. I want you to know how grateful I am that you’re willing to look past this and let Will go” Merlin said slowly, ignoring Will’s scoff behind him, “And I’m sorry that you had to do this in the first place. I know what this means for you”. His words didn’t seem to placate Arthur at all, they only managed to make him look sad and even more in pain, as if Merlin had stabbed him and was now turning the blade deeper into his chest. Merlin didn’t know what else to say and so did what was best for everyone: he shut up.

Arthur stared at the floor and took a deep breath before steading himself.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow on our way home” he grunted out and then left in a hurry.

Merlin visibly deflated, his arms dropping at his side and his jaw unclenching.

He turned to Will and told him: “Come on, I’ll help you pack your things”.

  
* * *  
  


Saying goodbye to Will again felt like a really bad joke, because this time it was Will who was leaving. Merlin followed him through the woods until they reached a road wide and deserted enough to look almost safe.

Merlin grabbed Will by his good shoulder and hugged him tight.

“Where will you go?” he said, hiding his face against Will’s neck.

Will hugged him just as tightly.

“I don’t know” he said, breathlessly.

“I’m sorry you have to leave your home for something I did” Merlin managed to say through the pain, which was beating against his ribcage in waves that punctured his lungs on every breath he drew. He couldn’t believe he did this to his oldest and best friend, to his-. He clenched his eyes shut and gasped out loud.

“Oh, come on, Merlin, don’t play dumb… You have to know Ealdor hasn’t been my home since you left” Will said gruffly and Merlin was horrified by the realisation that they were both crying on each other’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry” Merlin repeated, for a lack of better things to say.

Will stepped out of the embrace and looked at the road, deep in thought.

“I wasn’t going to ask, I know you won’t choose me but I can’t… I can’t at least try. Come with me” Will said with so much strength in his words that Merlin stumbled back.

“Will…” Merlin stuttered and that seemed to be all that Will needed to hear for the fight to leave his body in a rush. He nodded while looking at his feet, defeated, and Merlin felt so guilty that he almost said yes out of obligation -but he didn’t because he knew that wouldn't be what Will wanted. So he held back more tears and patted Will’s cheek with all the affection he could gather.

Will sighed and took a step away, as if putting more space between them made it… well, not better but at least less worse.

“You know… all those times in the barn at night… laying down and looking at the sky while we told ourselves stories of what we’d do when we’d grow up…” Will paused, carding his fingers through his hair, “None of the stories were like this. For starters, you never left in those stories and yet in real life you did the moment you could… And I don’t blame you. Please don’t ever think I’d blame you for that. You did what was best for yourself and I’m glad you did… It’s just… I never imagined I’d be leaving Ealdor without you. In the months you were gone I thought… maybe he’ll come back one day… or maybe I’ll be the one to go to him eventually… Maybe I would have tried to get a job at court to be close to you, you know, even though I despise those privileged bastards”.

Will said in a hushed voice: “Anything for you, Merlin”.

Will looked back at him with a sad smile and Merlin couldn’t stop himself from throwing his arms back around Will’s shoulders, hugging his best friend to his chest.

“I gotta go... “ Will said weakly, trying to push Merlin’s arms off him, “Merlin, I gotta go”.

When it was clear Merlin wasn’t going to let him go, Will sighed and let himself be held.

  
* * *  
  


Merlin watched him leave.

But then, almost at the point where the road swerved into a place Merlin’s eyes couldn’t reach, Will turned around and ran back to him.

He looked at him with a face Merlin had never seen on him. It was so determined and fierce it was almost scary.

Will grabbed him by the neck and kissed him.

When he stepped away from Merlin, he stared at Merlin as if he was internally debating over something vitally important, so Merlin kissed him again to distract him. He couldn’t bear any confession from someone he’d probably never see again.

But when Will pushed away for the last time, Merlin knew he was going to speak anyway. Though he could had never guessed the words that came out of Will’s mouth.

“Just know this, Merlin… Your prince. He’ll never love you like this”.

  
* * *  
  


When he got back into the village, Arthur was nowhere to be found. Glad he didn’t have to face him yet, he went to the well and filled a bucket with water, trying to regain back a sense of normalcy. Everything was fine, the evil was defeated, Arthur and the others were safe and Merlin’s mum was helping the other villagers settle back into normalcy.

And yet, there was a weight on Merlin’s chest that didn’t seem to want to go anywhere.

In his childhood home, he laid down on the ground and hugged his pillow after washing himself off, his body giving up under the weariness of battle and heartache.

He startled back into full consciousness when he felt a heavy body hit the floor next to him and Merlin held his breath, wishing that Arthur hadn’t noticed his eyes flying open.

When he heard Arthur’s telltale sniffle that preceded every awkward conversation they ever had that left them feeling like there was more to what they both were trying to say, Merlin turned on his back and looked at him.

“How is he?” Arthur asked him through his teeth, like every word pained him.

Merlin frowned in confusion.

“How would I know?” Merlin asked in return.

“Well, he’s your… you know” Arthur said and then looked as if he had swallowed a lemon and he was trying helplessly to chew it out.

“My friend?” Merlin completed, even though he knew that wasn’t what Arthur had meant -and wasn’t that a scary thought.

“Your sorcerer friend” Arthur added bitterly.

Merlin’s heart clenched painfully as it always did when Arthur’s hatred for magic played a role in their conversations, but after almost a year he had grown almost detached to the feeling. Deception and regret were becoming his best friends worryingly fast.

“He still saved your life” Merlin pointed out, defensively.

“Everyone’s life, actually” Arthur said like he was making the biggest effort of his life by admitting this one truth.

“What?” Merlin said, confused.

“With the spell… Merlin, please do keep up” Arthur urged him, sounding for a split of second like his usual annoyed self.

“Oh” Merlin breathed out.

"Where did he go, anyway? I haven't seen him around after you patched him up. Not that I wanted to" Arthur said hastily as if he was trying to make small talk about a grievous matter such as murder.

Merlin drew himself up on his elbows, staring dumbfounded at Arthur.

"You can't think he could possibly stay after today".

"Why not? Magic is not against the laws here" Arthur argued, even though it was clear that none of it made sense to him.

"Neither it is _accepted_ , though!" Merlin snapped, "Why do you think I had to hide this secret for so long?".

Realising what he had just said, Merlin cursed himself, but Arthur didn’t seem to have caught up and some tension lifted from him, glad that he didn’t have to outright lie to Arthur. He didn’t reckon he’d be very good at it.

"Is he the reason why you changed your mind when we saved the druid boy's life? Were you thinking of him?" " Arthur asked in a soft voice and Merlin's breathing stopped for a moment. He could never understand what was going on in Arthur's mind and he was sick of trying to guess and constantly getting it wrong.

"I don’t know” he said, tired.

Arthur nodded anyway, like he just had a big revelation.

"We should sleep now, before you wake anyone up with your loud prattishness. No one wants an angry Morgana first thing in the morning" Merlin said, while lying back down on the ground and turning away from Arthur.

"Prattishness is not even a word" he heard Arthur mumbling.

Merlin shushed him.

Arthur grunted while shaking his head at him and no more words were needed after that. They laid next to each other in the dark, so close Merlin could almost feel the ghost of a touch whenever Arthur started fidgeting and yet it was a distance that neither of them would have dared to bridge.

  
* * *  
  


The ride back to Camelot wasn’t as bad as he had feared but it was still better than his worst case scenario.

It was just… silent and uncomfortable.

Merlin kept his distances from the prince and just casually exchanged a couple of words with Gwen, who was weirdly on the edge since they left Ealdor.

She could sense the tension between his friends and clearly was feeling some sort of pressure to make up for it by being exceedingly cheerful whenever someone talked to her. She stopped only when Morgana looped an arm with hers and dragged her to make some lunch together, huddling close together while building a small fire and cooking a fish Arthur had catched. They looked awfully at ease with each other, a sharp contrast with how Arthur and Merlin were firmly ignoring each other.

Morgana even started to put a small braid in Gwen’s hair, while waiting for the fish to be ready. Gwen, poor soul, looked incredibly embarrassed but also secretly pleased and Merlin had to avert his eyes from them.

He was happy they had each other but at the same time, he was jealous of their closeness. He was probably never going to have anything similar to that again and that realisation made the bottom of Merlin’s stomach fall.

He forgoed lunch and went to pet the horses.

Behind him, Morgana and Gwen exchanged worried glances, before turning an accusing look on Arthur, who just narrowed his eyes at them and snapped a harsh “What?”.

Morgana scoffed and threw some dirt at his face.

“ _Idiot_ ” she hissed.

They reached Camelot the next day and for the following two weeks, Merlin spent most of his time running errands for Gaius and actively avoiding Arthur, who had to start putting his own clothes all by himself -with very poor technique, since he put his shirt inside out a couple of times and didn’t notice until Morgana pointed it out with a laugh.

Then one morning, earlier than any sane person would allow, Arthur showed up in Gaius’ chambers and knocked on Merlin’s door.

“Come on, Merlin, we’re going on a hunting trip and I need you to carry my stuff” he said while shoving Merlin’s blanket off him and tugging his legs on the floor.

And with that, things went suddenly back to normal as if nothing had ever happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you reached the bottom of this hi, you're my favorite person!!! please don't hate will, he's still kinda immature here but it'll get better. i'm here on [twitter](https://twitter.com/quakefalcon) my dms are open and i need a distraction from how poorly college is going :p see you next week!!


	2. Small pebble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin has to redefine the way he looks at Arthur due to the events from the episode 1x11 'The Labyrinth of Gedref' and he gets some help from an unlikely source -there is also a mention to 1x12 'To Kill the King'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting this at 3am on a friday. couldn't do this at a normal hour of the day since i'll be quite busy tomorrow/today because i'll get out of my house for the first time in months yayyy. i am so NOT looking forward to it. anygay, happy friday i hope this chapter doesn't bore you too much -frankly i despise it. well, there is a very brief first kiss between two of my favorite characters so i did enjoy writing this chapter to some degree. hope at least you enjoy it. as always, any mistake is my own -please call out any typos if you see them, i hate them. <3

Merlin would have liked to say that nothing could ever change his dynamic with Arthur, but after the prince killed the unicorn and underwent the trials, something had shifted.

They couldn’t pretend Arthur was constantly throwing himself in danger just because he was hot-headed and reckless anymore. They had to acknowledge that there was something else at play, that Arthur cared about people other than himself even though he liked to act as if he did anything but.

Since Merlin’s whole image of the prince relied on the notion that he was an arrogant, self-centered bastard, this new variable had put a dent in his everyday routine. He was constantly distracted, thinking over everything that had happened and trying to come to terms with all of it.

He had already known Arthur had the potential to really do some good, but up until now he hadn’t realised that the goodness was already there in Arthur’s heart and had been the entire time. Arthur had just been hiding it for some reason.

The notion that Arthur cared for _him_ , though, took longer to get accustomed to. The young warlock hadn’t believed his mother when she had told him exactly that, indeed he had simply attributed it to Hunith’s adoration for him, which made her assume that everyone else must love him like she did. But the proof that Arthur cared was blaringly obvious and right in front of him now.

Merlin wondered for how long he’d been oblivious to this simple fact, but when Arthur grabbed the goblet full of what he thought was poison and drank it to save his manservant, Merlin was slapped hard in the face by reality. At first he had tried to lie to himself about Arthur’s reasons - _he did it for the sake of the trial, to save Camelot and his people_ \- but Merlin knew that Arthur wasn’t thinking about his people while he was staring at him on the beach, mind rifling through all the ways this could go wrong. Merlin knew by the way Arthur’s eyes trailed along his face right before drinking from the goblet, as if he was trying to commit something to memory.

Arthur was thinking only about sparing Merlin’s life. Not because he owed it to him, not like the other times when he had shielded himself behind those rare occasions where Merlin saved his life publicly instead of in secret. Arthur had been hiding himself behind pretenses of honor and debts to be repaid so that he didn’t have to outright admit he regarded his manservant with enough affection to put his own life in danger for Merlin’s sake.

Merlin didn’t know what to do with this knowledge. Thus, he didn’t do anything.

He kept doing Arthur’s laundry, bringing him his meals, drawing him baths, polishing his armour, going through the motions of his job at court without ever really talking to him otherwise.

Whatever Arthur thought of his newfound love for silence, he didn’t say.

  
  


***

  
  
  


A week after the trials, Merlin noticed Gwen had picked flowers for Morgana’s chambers again, which was probably a sign that Morgana had another nightmare. Merlin tried to not let this worry him, but he knew now that Morgana’s nightmares had a tendency to come true.

He had tried to find an occasion to subtly ask her about it and had found it one day after a trip to the library while Geoffrey was actually away from Camelot for the first time in his life -Merlin had heard an aunt of his had been quite ill and upon knowing this Merlin prided himself in avoiding to snark at the old man during the entirety of a conversation for the first time in their short but significant acquaintance. Before he left, the old librarian had tried to lock his precious books away since he wouldn’t be there to ensure their safety but instead he had simply been replaced by a small, heavy man with a hooked nose who spent his whole day snoring on his chair instead of carrying out his duties.Merlin had been sent to the library by Gaius to fetch a weirdly specific botany book about hibiscus which he tracked down in the northern wing, but as he worked his way towards the exit, a pair of familiar voices stood out to him, and he stopped still, ears straining.

“I just don’t think it is something to concern ourselves over, my lady” Gwen’s voice was saying, and the young boy could perfectly conjure up the exact apologetical expression she must have had right at that moment, “If they do indeed have issues I’m sure they will work through them eventually”.

As Merlin tried to sneak closer, burning with curiosity, he inadvertently knocked over a chair, immediately drawing their attention to him. He cursed his own clumsiness as he set the chair straight again and then turned to his two friends.

Morgana smiled at him from where she was sitting at a small table, Gwen’s hands sliding off her shoulders quickly as if to hide they were ever there in the first place. They looked quite surprised to see him and almost uncomfortable.

“Did something happen?” Merlin asked, his eyes darting from one girl to the other as he had the distinct and alienating impression they had been talking about him just before he made his noisy entrance.

“No, no, Merlin. Everything is fine” Morgana assured him quickly, her fingers grasping her gown tightly as if to ground herself.

“We were just…” Gwen started, hesitatingly as she bit her bottom lip. She was the picture of guilt and second-guessing and that cemented in Merlin the fact that they had indeed been discussing something that involved him.

“We were searching for a gift for my father’s birthday… He loves it when I read him poetry and Lady Morgana was kind enough to help me borrow something from the library” Gwen explained, wringing her hands.

“And I believe we made our pick” Morgana added as she stood up, smoothing down her dark purple dress and taking a deep breath.

“I think we shall store it in my chambers until tomorrow, so to not spoil the surprise” she said, directed to Gwen.

The maid nodded in agreement, bowing as Morgana led the way out, past the snoring man at the front desk. Merlin walked alongside them in a polite but tense silence.

“Merlin…” Morgana erupted after several minutes, almost at the intersection where Merlin was going to part ways with them to reach Arthur’s chambers. 

The young warlock frowned and looked expectantly at her, but did not miss the warning look Gwen sent her before trying to seem engrossed in the cover of the book she was carrying.

“I believe you’re the only one who can satisfy my curiosity on a peculiar matter…” Morgana continued demurely as her steps gained speed. Merlin followed her and Gwen into the corridor that would lead to her chambers, his right shoulder brushing against the tapestries on the walls as he bent to look at her.

“Has Arthur behaved somewhat erratically with you in these past week? He is quite on edge whenever I see him, and also quite abrasive, as if he was trying to prove just how much of an ass he can be” Morgana told him, now taking the last steps towards her door before springing it open.

“Oh, I did not notice anything out of the ordinary” Merlin dismissed, tucking his hands behind his back as he walked to stand next to her dining table. She reached her vanity table, tossing a rather large bracelet in a small chest before turning to him.

“It’s just that you both act so estranged with each other lately... Did you two fight?” she asked, a small concerned frown rippling through her forehead.

“When don’t we fight?” Merlin asked in return, trying for levity.

Morgana and Gwen exchanged a glance heavy with significance that was lost on Merlin. They had this ability to always know what the other was thinking that left Merlin with a longing hollow in his chest, because he too had this kind of understanding with someone once and he had lost it.

“Merlin… we’ve noticed you two had been avoiding each other again. Last time it went away on its own but… You barely say a word to each other and he has you running errands on the other side of the castle just to be sure your paths won’t cross” Morgana explained, brows furrowed in worry.

“Whatever Arthur has done, we’re sure you two can figure it out” Gwen added encouragingly and Morgana nodded fervently, her perfectly coiffed curls bouncing against her pale cheeks with the motion. Merlin shrugged, not really knowing what to say. To a certain degree, he didn’t want to discuss how weird he felt around Arthur lately but he also knew it might do him some good.

Morgana sighed.

“Merlin, it’s fine. You can talk to us”.

“I know that but there is nothing to talk about” he replied stubbornly, with another shrug, even though he could feel his defenses slowly crumble in front of Morgana’s determination to help.

Gwen bit her lip and shook her head before saying: “My lady… We really should let them deal with whatever fight they’re having on their own”.

“We’re not fighting, though!” Merlin argued, resting his hip against the wooden table and pushing his hands in his pockets, shoulders drawn up in a picture of self-consciousness.

Gwen and Morgana looked at him dubiously.

“I’m telling the truth! We’re not fighting” Merlin paused, and then conceded: “How could we fight when we’re not even really talking to each other?”.

Morgana threw her hand up in the air, waving at him and looking at Gwen in triumph.

“See, I told you he would talk to us” she said.

Gwen looked like she was fighting the urge to roll her eyes at her and Merlin hid a secret smile as he bowed his head to look at his feet.

“If there’s anything we can do-” Gwen started, getting interrupted by Morgana standing up and exclaiming: “I will talk to Arthur personally so that he’ll stop behaving like a child! I’m sure that despite whatever mistake he did I will make him see sense and he’ll be apologising to you by this evening”.

Merlin’s eyes widened in alarm, while Gwen grimaced, clearly both aware that Morgana’s stubbornness was almost as bad as Arthur’s and how everybody in the castle had to suffer their wrath when the one clashed against the other.

“Oh, no, no, my lady, there is no need to” he assured her, tugging at his red scarf like it was constricting his breath. This was getting way more uncomfortable that he had predicted.

Morgana stared at him, an eyebrow drawn up, and there was no one in the whole kingdom who wouldn’t have buckled under the strength underlining her green eyes.

“I’m the one who is avoiding him… Talking isn’t my strong suit either, and we should do a lot of that if we wanted to… you know, clean the air” Merlin admitted, tugging at his scarf self-consciously, and Morgana recoiled in surprise.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk about what has transpired between you two, but… we’re worried” she said, putting a dainty hand on his forearm.

Gwen hummed in agreement next to her and Merlin didn’t know how to begin to explain that the reason why he was avoiding Arthur was that nothing had happened. Arthur had willingly almost died for him and then hadn’t even had the grace to acknowledge it. He didn’t do anything, just rode back to Camelot with him and patted him on the back and acted like Merlin hadn’t just discovered something groundbreaking. Arthur hadn’t tore down that last wall that stood tall between them and Merlin was angry at him for it. He was so bloody furious, because all it took was one step closer and his hands on Merlin’s shoulders and Merlin wouldn’t have had to wonder anymore. He shoved these thoughts into the back of his mind as t better avoid them and drew a shaky breath.

“My lady” Merlin said, looking at his feet, “I just thought I knew what my place was when it came to him but now… I’m not too sure. And I need time to understand that on my own”.

His image of himself had fallen apart, he wasn’t just Arthur’s manservant anymore, and this meant that now he didn’t know what he was at all.

Morgana squeezed his arm in solidarity and he attempted a smile for her sake, dimples barely poking out.

“I don’t know what’s going on with Prince Arthur, though” he added, and this was the sad truth that kept plaguing him since he arrived in Camelot, “I think maybe he is just stressed. There is another tournament to prepare for, after all”.

Morgana narrowed her eyes, clearly unraveling his words in her mind and coming to her own conclusions.

“Well, I still think that Arthur needs someone to talk some sense into him” she said haughtily.

“I’m afraid that’s more of a permanent condition” Merlin sneered and Gwen chuckled before looking ashamed at herself. Morgana sent her a smile so private that Merlin had to look away.

“Yes, it is an ongoing problem, I think we can all agree” Morgana said cheekily, before patting his elbow and turning back to her vanity table. She picked up a brush and placed it into a small ornate chest.

Merlin thought that this was perhaps a hint that he should leave, but then Morgana picked a small empty vial and handed it to him.

“Could you please bring this back to Gaius and tell him that I need some more?”.

Merlin nodded, putting the vial in his jacket’s pocket carefully.

“That reminds me… Gaius wanted to know how your nights were going” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

Morgana smiled a fake smile that put Merlin on edge.

“Much better” she lied.

Merlin just nodded once more and left.

  
  


***

  
  


Merlin had taken up the habit of accompanying Gwen back home every day and gossip had started to snake around the halls of the castle, maidens huddling close together and chuckling at them when they passed them.

This left them baffled because neither of them could understand how anyone could possibly think that something romantical was going on, when simply Merlin didn’t have anyone else to talk to who wasn’t as ancient as the earth they were all walking on. He loved Gaius like a father, of course, and he despised the dragon and his riddles, but he was sorry to say that conversations with either of them left Merlin often feeling wrung out.

It was nice to finally talk to someone who was like him: young, cheerful, clumsy and witty. Gwen was quickly becoming the sister he never had and he loved her dearly for this, so he met her every night after their duties were all done and he walked her to her house while talking idly about their day.

Gwen’s insight about the inner workings of the court was actually proving to be very helpful and every night after walking her home, he felt like his understanding of this place and its convoluted etiquettes had improved.

Morgana was ecstatic about this development and fawned all over them every time she saw them together. Merlin had come to know the reason one day when he and Morgana had somehow found themselves alone in the courtyard while Arthur was surely away on some princely duties Merlin didn’t care for.

He had his arms full of pieces of armour that Arthur had just flung at him after practice, not even bothering to wait to get out of the training grounds to take everything off, annoyance all over his face before he stormed off heaven knows where. He had slowly become even grumpier and that’s what Merlin was ruminating about while carrying the heavy armour back to the armoury, panting slightly. Thus, he wasn’t really looking at where his feet were going so of course he tripped all over himself, falling on his face and getting a mouthful of grass while the armour pieces scattered all around him with several clangs. The noise drew Morgana, who was nearby, out of the castle’s tall doors to inspect what happened.

Once she had ascertained nothing in Merlin was hurt but his pride, she approached him wit an expression on her face that said she was very clearly trying not to laugh at him and he had to appreciated the effort. He could only be thankful Arthur hadn’t seen him.

“Is everything alright, Merlin?” she asked with a fond smile.

“Right as rain, my lady” he grunted while trying to pick himself up from the ground.

“Shall I help you?” she said and his head whipped in her direction, where she was already leaning down to pick up a vambrace.

“Oh, no, my lady, don’t bother, it’s just Arthur’s armour. It can stand being left on the grass for a little while” he said, squinting from the sun hitting him straight in the face and leaning his hands on his thighs, bowled over while pain radiated from his flank to his chest.

Morgana laughed and picked a vambrace anyway, holding onto it distractedly with both her hands and looking intently at him.

“There’s really no need” he said, pushing his hand forward. Morgana handed him the armour like she had forgotten she had it in the first place.

“I’m really glad I caught you out here, Merlin” she said, smiling like she was about to lean in to share a secret. Merlin unconsciously leaned in himself.

“Yes, my lady? Is there anything you need me for?” he asked in anticipation.

“I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kindness you’re showing to my maid… I’ve noticed how you and Gwen had grown close and I’m very glad you two have found a friend in each other” Morgana said, voice warm.

Merlin tried not to look disappointed, even though he didn’t really know what he was expecting her to tell him.

_ I have magic, Merlin, would ever have guessed? _

He smiled at her to dissimulate his surprise and he told her: “Well, Gwen is a special one”.

Morgana nodded at that minutely, her lips pursed in a sideway smirk.

“I couldn’t agree more”.

Merlin started picking the wayward pieces of Arthur’s armour in silence while she kept talking.

“She is indeed special, but has also been very lonely ever since I met her and that always brought me sorrow… She never had any real friend before you”.

Merlin frowned, crouching down to disentangle some grass that got stuck in the chainmail.

“But, my lady, she had you for all these years” he argued reasonably.

Morgana shook her head bitterly.

“That’s different. I am her lady, she is bound to me by her duty, while she _chose_ you as her friend and that's quite special... Of course this doesn't mean I wouldn't want to be her friend, in fact there is nothing else I wish for more but... It's difficult. I may care for her a great deal, but differences in rank can put some serious hindrances even to something that would otherwise be as natural as breathing” she said with a tone of regret in her voice, “I would never impose my own will on her, making her my friend even though she doesn't want to be. I would never ask it of her to give me something she can’t give in case she doesn’t feel the same. I won't pressure her into being my friend as well as my subordinate at the same time. However, with you, she can choose to be whatever she likes”.

“All due respect, my lady… I think you're wrong. Gwen clearly hold a great deal of affection for you and she respects you almost to the point of adoration” Merlin said and, having finally gathered everything he needed, he looked up at the king’s ward.

She was looking back at him as if in trance.

“Do you really think that?” she said, hesitation making her voice sound a bit higher.

“I think…” Merlin said pointedly, spurred by the thought of Will and how he was wonderfully alive but out of his reach forever, and this simple fact drove him to talk in a way he normally wouldn’t, "I think you haven't really given her a chance to choose either way, because you still chose for her by not asking her for her friendship. I think people have a limited number of chances to actually grow something meaningful with another person and if you lose this you would do both of you a disservice".

He sniffed loudly, hugging the armour close to himself, and dispelled the image of Will from his mind.

“And have you ever really talked to her about this? Perhaps she seeked this bond out and you just haven’t noticed. You should just _ask_ ” he added, now thinking of Gwen’s evident soft regard for her lady. It seemed impossible to him that these two women could be so close to each other and yet still somehow detached, but clearly he had underestimated the burden of the court’s rules of conduct.

Morgana bit her lip for a second, a tick she must have picked up from Gwen, because then, as if remembering herself, she smiled and shook her hair out of her face.

“I understand why Gwen likes talking to you, now. You’re more clever than people give you credit for” she said and Merlin smiled brightly, pride filling his chest with warmth. He couldn’t believe someone so unreachable as Morgana deemed him worthy of her time and yet here she was, taking a couple of minutes out of her afternoon to talk to him and then praise him.

“Thank you” he said sheepishly and then Morgana gave him a quick once over as if she just noticed Merlin’s unfortunate state.

“You’re covered in grass” she notified him, before reaching for his head and plucking a string of grass from his hair with a laugh.

Merlin blushed, because while it did nothing for him Morgana was still a very beautiful woman and they were standing in the courtyard for anyone to see. Not that he thought Morgana could ever be anything but entirely and solely friendly to him, but still he wondered how it looked from outside. A beautiful noblewoman plucking grass from a servant boy’s hair.

“I’m aware” he said with a grimace and hoisted up the armour higher between them, his arms starting to ache in protest.

With a small bow and a goodbye, Merlin took his leave, unaware of the effect his words would have had on the king’s ward and her future actions.

  
  


***

  
  


Later that afternoon, Gwen was placing some yellow daisies in a small vase in Morgana’s chambers, smiling at her lady, who was in turn watching her carefully before bridging the gap between them and stroking her cheek with an intent that she had never showed before. Gwen’s sharp intake of breath was drowned by Morgana’s voice.

“Do you...?”.

Gwen blinked in confusion, mouth hanging open slightly.

In the warm light of a half lit candle, her face cleared of any doubt and she leaned in to put a kiss on the corner of Morgana’s mouth almost timidly.

Morgana smiled and, with a hand on Gwen’s neck, she sealed her mouth over hers with a soft sigh.

  
  


***

  
  


Ealdor had been making sporadic appearances in Merlin’s dreams since going back and that wasn’t something Merlin wanted. For a grand total of twenty seconds, he entertained the thought of just erasing magically all the memories of his own lonely childhood but that would have been a disservice to Will that would have made what Merlin did to him even worse.

He still wasn’t talking to Arthur, even though it had been three months from Ealdor and one and a half from the unicorn incident. From the maze and the beach and the goblets.

Merlin was aware that it was unfair and childish but he also couldn’t help it. He was behaving irrationally and didn’t know how to change it.

Then, the night after Morgana had plucked grass from his hair, he dreamt about Ealdor again. But this time, it wasn’t some haunting memory or a hollow nightmare.

He was sitting at his mother’s table and at the other side there were two young boys and two young girls. With a startle, he realised he recognised them.

Will and Arthur were fighting over who deserved the last piece of bread while Gwen and Morgana talked amiably to each other.

Merlin’s hand shot out to touch Arthur’s shoulder as if he wanted to shake him, but with horror he realised his arms weren’t long enough to reach the other end of the table. He was just a small boy too.

Then reality snapped itself and morphed into something else like it can only do in a dream. He was in Camelot and he had something in his hand and somehow knew he had to get it to Arthur as fast as he could.

“Arthur” he called out and suddenly here he was. Merlin ran over to him and handed him an apple with a smile. Arthur looked at him in confusion and then slapped his hand away, apple falling and rolling away.

“We’re not friends” Arthur said, cruelly, “We can’t be friends, can we?”.

Merlin woke up. It took him some time to get through the haze of sleep that was clouding his mind but then a memory sparked something in him and gave him sudden clarity.

His earlier conversation with Morgana was now held by Merlin as proof of something he didn’t know he had to look for. Maybe - _maybe_ \- all he needed to do to understand where he stood now with Arthur was to just _ask_.

Merlin breathed out shakily, suddenly as awake as anyone could ever be.

  
  


***

  
  


When Merlin rose from his bed, dark circles making an appearance under his eyes, the sun had just started to poke out from over the line of the horizon. He went to the window, prying its wooden shutters open and inhaling the sweet air of the early morning.

He dressed as fast as he could and exited Gaius’ rooms silently as to not wake him up, mind made up on what he had to do.

Merlin sneaked into the kitchens, opening the heavy oak doors with one single spark of his eyes, the bolt clanging loudly on the floor.

He packed up enough food to last for the day and sneaked back out, making it look like no one had ever been there.

He rushed to Arthur’s chambers and hesitated only once, right before marching inside.

He dragged the curtains back and opened the windows, filling the room with light. He poured water into a goblet and started disposing Arthur’s breakfast on the table, making enough noise to wake the dead.

“Uuhmf” he heard Arthur groan from the bed behind him and he smiled, tapping the fork on the plate.

Merlin swiveled in place, cheerful even in the prospect of a grumpy Arthur.

“Rise and shine, sire, I am taking you out for a ride” he announced to the still room.

He ducked the pillow Arthur threw at him and laughed.

“Why do you have that stupid expression all over your face?” Arthur whined, hiding his own face under the covers, “Thinking about it, though, you don’t really have any other kind”.

Merlin hummed in disapproval before crossing the room in big strides with his long legs and shoving the covers off the prince.

“Is this your way of telling me you wish to be murdered today, Merlin?” Arthur hissed, drawing himself up on his elbows, hair mussed and eyes wild.

“I have already packed some food, let’s go take a ride” Merlin said as if the prince hadn’t spoken.

Arthur’s corrugated forehead made him look even sleepier than he already was.

“What are you prattling about, you doofus?” he asked, voice still slurry with sleep.

Merlin patted him on the shoulder and Arthur stared at his hand like it had personally slighted him.

“I just think that taking a ride might be good for us today” he said with a warm smile.

Arthur only looked more confused.

“Have you hit your head?”.

Merlin huffed in annoyance.

“Come on, your breakfast is on the table, I’ll go ready the horses” he announced hastily before leaving.

Arthur groaned and fell back on the bed with a thump, shutting his eyes tight and taking a deep breath.

Then, his mind finally caught up and he springed up from the bed, rushing to get some clothes on and munching on bread at the same time.

  
  


***

  
  


As Merlin and Arthur entered the stables, the castle as a whole was still sleeping even though it was matter of minutes before the first servants of the day started to mill around to get everything running as usual.

If they wanted to actually manage to take a ride outside the castle’s walls, they had to hurry.

Merlin had the two horses saddled and ready for them in a matter of minutes and then slowly led the animals outside towards the gate where two guards were sleeping. Arthur glared at the two men as they ventured farther, towards the woods.

When they were far enough, Arthur mounted his horse quickly and said: “I can't believe security in Camelot is this loose, I'm going to have two words with those idiots when we're back”.

Merlin smirked while he clumsily mounted his mare, foot skidding on the stirrup twice.

“Graceful as ever, Merlin” Arthur snorted.

“You know it, sire” the young warlock replied dryly.

They trotted out of the castle’s walls in silence but somehow it was the first time in months that they looked actually comfortable around each other.

Merlin looked at the gravel road in front of them flanked by the trees and lazily run his fingers through his mare’s mane, patting her affectionately and staring at the way the sun was hitting the green leaves gently swaying.

This right there was the most peaceful it could ever get in Camelot, no danger, no magic, no lies, no duties, just the breeze ruffling their hair and each other’s company.

They stopped when they felt like they were far enough that no one would find them and made a small camp next to a tiny creek, laying down on a tablecloth Merlin had stolen from Gaius.

“You realise we will have to give my father a valid excuse for why I didn’t show up for the morning rounds, right?” Arthur said, arms crossed behind his head and looking at the sky in lieu of having to look at Merlin.

Merlin sat up, fiddling with his scarf.

“I’ll think of something when it’ll come to it” he said with a shrug. Arthur grabbed him by the back of his jacket and dragged him down until his shoulders hit the ground. They were closer now, arms brushing.

“Relax, Merlin” he said gruffly.

They laid there for what seemed like hours, staring at white clouds and listening to each other’s breathing. Then the quiet was suddenly disrupted by Merlin’s stomach grumbling loudly. Arthur laughed.

“I guess it’s lunchtime” he said and Merlin found himself blushing for no reason. Arthur draw himself up into a sitting position, reaching for the bag Merlin had prepared.

“Where did you take all this?” Arthur asked, impressed, before handing white bread and some cheese to Merlin.

“I have my ways” he answered elusively before biting down on the bread.

“You didn’t break into the kitchens, did you?” Arthur said, dubious, “Even I have never managed that… That cook Flores sure knows how to lock down a kitchen”.

“You’ll never know” Merlin teased with a smug smile and in retaliation Arthur put a hand on Merlin’s face and pushed until the warlock fell fairly painfully on his elbows. Merlin laughed, cheeks bright red as Arthur took his hand away.

They smiled at each other before abruptly diverting their eyes when they noticed they had been staring loopily for a couple minutes too long. Merlin fumbled with his bag just to give something to do to his hands and grabbed some apples and some ham.

While licking some breadcrumbs away from his lips, Arthur sniffed and tapped his fingers on his knee to get his attention. Merlin froze.

“Why did you bring me out here, anyway?” Arthur asked, head low.

“Why, are you not having fun?” Merlin tried to joke, throwing a blade of grass at his face.

“Merlin” Arthur chastised drily, before grabbing Merlin’s wrist when it was clear he was going to get more grass thrown at him.

“I just wanted to show you that everything is fine” Merlin said inadequately, feeling at odds with himself. Arthur squeezed his wrist as if to remind him he was there and Merlin lowered his gaze on their hands, clenching his jaw.

“And that… that we can have this if we want” Merlin whispered, blushing even deeper than earlier. He refused to look up, staring at Arthur’s knuckles and his long fingers wrapped around his bony wrist.

“Have what?” Arthur asked in low tones, his voice so still it made Merlin restless.

“A friendship? Even though we’re… you know. Prince and manservant” Merlin said and didn’t know why the words didn’t feel right, but it was what it was. Arthur freed his wrist and leaned back away from him and that finally made Merlin look up. There was something tight about Arthur’s blue eyes but it was quickly filed away when Arthur patted him on the shoulder and then went to get some water from the sparkling creek. It all looked awfully like a strategic retreat.

He stumbled up on his feet and grabbed an apple, reaching Arthur by the creek. Arthur looked at him with the corner of his eyes and hummed in thanks while accepting the fruit.

Merlin chased away the memories from the previous night’s dream and simply smiled.

They spent the rest of their day drawing circles around each other and when they returned to Camelot in the evening, Arthur stopped right before crossing the entrance to the castle, turning to look at him seriously. He hesitantly put a hand on the juncture where his neck met his shoulder and pressed his thumb in the hollow of Merlin's throat, absentmindedly. Merlin wondered if he was even aware he was doing it. Arthur looked like he was about to say something important, but then a flash of something passed on his face and he slid his hand off, grabbing his horse’s leash and guiding them both toward the stables.

“Don’t think I haven’t understood how today was just a ploy to avoid your own share of work, Merlin” he mused with a lazy smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Merlin returned the smile tentatively, trying to fall back into their easy banter.

“I haven’t heard you complaining, though, sire”.

“I will start complaining if you don’t have my armour shining by tomorrow morning for training”.

Merlin’s smile widened as he shook his head in disbelief.

“Of course, sire”.

  
  


***

  
  
  


When Gwen’s father was arrested for plotting with Tauren, no one was expecting it. When he was killed so mercilessly, with no just trial, everyone in the palace was gobsmacked. When Morgana tricked Uther to her father’s grave to kill him, Merlin had started to wonder whether every person gifted with magical powers was doomed to fall under the wiles of darkness, but when Morgana found in herself the conviction that even Uther could be worth saving, Merlin had started to regain hope.

He had spent months waiting for Morgana’s next big nightmare or for other powers to surface in her, both scared and aching to have someone like him beside him.

Merlin didn’t know what to do and the thought of asking the Dragon was readily dismissed, afraid of what he could discover. His heart was already broken at the knowledge that darkness could begin to bloom even in someone so fiercely caring as lady Morgana, even if she had stopped it in its tracks before it could properly flourish.

Merlin was terrified that this was just the beginning, that a seed had been planted in Morgana’s heart and that it was going to grow until all that filled her was a rotting soul.

Merlin was truly terrified.

What he didn’t know, though, was that Gwen had hugged Morgana that night, whispering in her hair and telling her how lucky she felt that she still had her. And Morgana had held her right back, wiping her tears and shedding her own, confessing that she had been ready to kill Uther for her. Gwen had looked at her in shock and Morgana had thought ‘ _This is it, she isn’t going to love me anymore_ ’ and Gwen had placed her hands on both sides of Morgana’s face before repeating once more: “I am so lucky to have you, my lady”. That alone was enough to make that seed of darkness wither and die in Morgana’s heart, Gwen’s kisses filling her with light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen. i know these first two chapters were not that good. i'm aware. i blame it on the fact that i did not know exactly the direction the story was going to go yet and also on the fact that i hate re-writing stuff. but believe me it will get better from the next one on, things will finally get interesting!!!


	3. Raining down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rewrite of 1x13 "Le Morte d'Arthur".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i was binging the umbrella academy and almost forgot to post lmao enjoy this chapter!!! i sure enjoyed writing it A LOT. also beware of the new tag... ops. there is also some mention of blood so i just thought it fair to warn you.

Merlin didn’t exactly dislike hunting trips, but still they weren’t his favourite leisure activity. When the Questing Beast arrived, though, he started hating hunting trips with a burning passion. All his brain kept screaming at him the whole time was one single phrase over and over again.

_ Save Arthur. Save Arthur. Save Arthur. _

It felt like someone was carving him out from the inside, like they were scraping away every piece that made him himself to leave a shell whose only purpose was making sure Arthur was alive and well.

It left him weary and constantly on high alert, rushing after Gaius and Uther to make sure that Arthur had everything he needed before he left for the Isle of the Blessed.

Bargaining his life for Arthur’s hadn’t even been a matter of discussion for him, he’d offered it to the Gods of the Old Religion gladly if it meant that Arthur got to live one more day. Merlin’s life had never been his own anyway.

This was his destiny: the ultimate sacrifice.

And what was it that he was sacrificing, anyway? The burden was going to finally be lifted off his shoulders. He was setting himself free.

He rode back to Camelot with his heart light, comforted by the knowledge that he had done his duty. He had fulfilled his purpose and nothing else mattered. He could rest now.

He almost felt dizzy with it: he could _rest_ now.

Merlin felt emptied out, all the strength flowing away from his limbs as he returned in his little room after pouring the water from the Cup of Life between Arthur’s pale lips. He had allowed himself to softly stroke Arthur’s blond hair once while Gaius wasn’t looking and with that one gesture he had said goodbye. He was ready.

Arthur was going to wake up the next morning and Merlin wasn’t. This was Merlin’s last thought before he fell asleep, clutching the rabbit foot Gaius gave him while a storm broke out outside.

As he had slid into a dreamless sleep, a hooded figure had crossed Camelot’s gates, finding a way to the physician’s chambers.

  
***  
  


When Merlin woke up, it wasn’t morning and he wasn’t dead and there were hands on him. Waking up felt like resurfacing from underwater, chills stiffening his body as he looked up and saw Will’s face hovering above his in the dark. Merlin bolted from his bed just as Will fell on the floor, fatigue written all over his young features.

“Will” he yelled, scooping the man up in his arms. Shortly after, steps resounded on the short staircase leading to Merlin’s room.

“Merlin” Gaius gasped, still tousled from sleep, watching him cradling a passed out Will in his lap.

Merlin shot him a panicked look before he lighted up a candle with a flash of his eyes, while his hands searched any proof that Will was injured. At the light of the candle, Merlin saw a steady rivulet of blood trailing down Will’s mouth and his mind blanked. He completely froze.

Gaius kneeled beside the two boys and slowly reached for Merlin’s hands to squeeze them.

“Merlin, who is this boy?”.

Merlin recoiled in surprise. In that moment it felt surreal to him that Gaius didn’t know who Will was.

“Will. We grew up together in Ealdor” he explained weakly, hugging Will tighter to him.

“Help me hoisting him up on the bed” Gaius said and Merlin snapped out of it, nodding his agreement.

“How did he know how to find me?” Merlin asked to the heavens in panicked tones and moving mechanically. Gaius sighed shakily as they moved Will’s body and shook his head, already lost in his medical musings to find a possible cause of the blood still spilling from Will’s mouth and staining his neck and tunic.

_To save a life, there must be a death. The balance of the world must be restored._ Nimueh had said.

But this was wrong. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

“It was not supposed to be him, Gaius” Merlin whined, pacing down the room as the physician examined a barely breathing Will.

“It might be consumption or internal bleeding” Gaius mused, rolling up the sleeves of his nightgown. Merlin stopped in his track, eyes crazed.

“It was supposed to be me, not him” Merlin said, hands flailing, “Never him!”.

Gaius’s frowning face cleared up with understandment.

Hot tears were threatening to fall down Merlin’s cheeks and he was heaving dangerously. Gaius watched him worriedly before telling him: “Merlin, I need you focused right now. Who did you meet on the Isle of the Blessed?”.

Merlin clutched the back of his head, tugging on his own hair before letting out in a harsh breath: “Nimueh”.

Gaius’s eyes widened even more, his mouth gaping. Merlin was already making a new plan, mind at full speed.

“I’m afraid there isn’t much we can do” Gaius said, voice tight with sympathy. Through the haze of grief, Merlin laughed maniacally.

“I will return to the Isle, Gaius” he informed him and the physician looked like he was going to argue heatedly but a small groan coming from the bed made them both jump.

“Merlin, why are you always so loud? I was sleeping” Will mumbled, half incoherently. Merlin rushed to his side, falling on his knees and grabbing Will’s hand.

“Will” he whispered.

Gaius looked at them for a couple of seconds before nodding to himself and exiting silently, shutting the door behind him to give them privacy. Merlin hated him for it, because this wasn’t going to happen. Will wasn’t going to die. Merlin wasn’t going to let this happen. He squeezed Will’s hand and tried to hate Gaius for giving him this chance to say goodbye.

“You’re not going to die, Will, I promise” he said, lips pressed against Will’s knuckles. Will’s eyes fluttered open.

“Why is it so dark in here?” Will asked, blinking owlishly.

Merlin twisted on his knees to look at the window shutters, which flew open, the soft light of a rising sun pouring in.

“That looks handy” Will said, aiming for a teasing tone that flew right over Merlin’s head if the way he turned to look at him was any indication.

“Will, what happened? How are you here?” Merlin asked, leaning in to wipe some blood from Will’s chin.

“I had to ask some guards where the physician lived and I guess that the blood helped because they were all very nice and stayed very far from me while I talked” Will explained, trying to sit up with a wince. Merlin helped him up so that his back rested against the wall.

“I started to feel ill yesterday and I was close enough to Camelot that I thought… why not?”.

Merlin swallowed hard, stroking Will’s hair away from his face. It had grown longer than the warlock had ever seen it be and it didn’t suit him at all.

“I wanted to see you one last time” Will continued to say before he started to cough blood in his fist, “I don’t know what this illness is, but I don’t think you should stay so close to me”.

Merlin ignored Will’s warning and scooted a little bit closer.

“You will catch your death sooner than you should if you keep being this stubborn” Will chastised him, shaking his head weakly.

“I will make this right” Merlin promised and Will looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

“You are about to do something extremely stupid, are you?”.

Merlin just squeezed his hand tighter and Will looked at him with anger flashing in his eyes.

“Don’t do you dare do anything stupid on my behalf” he said and Merlin snapped.

“Are you the only one allowed to sacrifice himself here?” he said, voice hurt and accusatory.

Will groaned, pressing his right palm against his eye.

“Please, Merlin, you cannot possibly be this stubborn… I sacrificed a lumpy bed and a job as a farmer I didn’t want, you basically did me a favour. Whatever you’re planning to do isn’t worth it” Will said, exasperated.

Merlin stood up, hand sliding away from Will’s fingers which lifted as if to chase them back into a loose grip, but Merlin backed away to stand in front of the window.

“I will make this right” he repeated and Will deflated.

“Is it dangerous?” Will asked him, clearly resigned. Merlin smiled and went to sit next to him on the bed, interlacing their fingers again and trying to look as confident as he ever could.

“Not at all”.

  
***  
  


The thought of paying a visit to the Dragon to hurl some insults at him had tempted Merlin for a hot second, but Will had asked him to at least let him have a last meal and no one could have said no to _that_. So he trudged down to the kitchens and almost battled with Florence, but ultimately managed to lie his way into getting Will a meal literally fit for royals - _”You're asking me another breakfast for the prince?”, “Prince Arthur did almost die, if I may remind you… He needs his strength”_.

“It won’t be your last” Merlin promised firmly to Will when he had returned to his bedside, scooping some meat with a fork and pushing it towards his best firend's mouth.

“I hope you know that I can feed myself well enough and all on my own” Will said irritably, trying to pry the fork from Merlin’s fingers.

“Good. I should head out anyway” Merlin said in return, gathering himself up and exiting his room.

“Where are you going?” Gaius asked as soon as he saw him descending the short staircase.

“I need to talk to someone before I leave… Please look after Will for me, alright? I will come back to say goodbye as soon as I’m finished” Merlin said, throwing his jacket over his shoulders and tightening his scarf around his neck. He looked as if he was steadying himself for battle.

“You cannot” Gaius pleaded, “You are so young. Your gifts, your destiny are far too precious to sacrifice. Please reconsider”.

Merlin clenched his jaw shut, avoiding Gaius’s eyes.

“My gifts are nothing if I cannot save the ones I care about” he said and it sounded final and invited no more arguments.

“Merlin” Gaius begged.

“I cannot stand idly by as Will dies for something he had no fault for. I am going to make this right, because it’s what you have taught me, Gaius. Always do the right thing” Merlin said, already walking towards the door.

“I will be back in under an hour” he warned, hurrying outside.

He reached the far end of the corridor that led away from Gaius's quarters before someone really loud called for his attention.

“Merlin!” a voice shouted from the bottom of the stairs from which Merlin was about to walk down. The prince looked confused but cheerful, and not to mention impossibly beautiful and alive in his red jacket. Arthur climbed the stairs two at a time and clapped him on the shoulder when he finally reached him.

“I was looking for you” Arthur said, grinning.

Merlin blinked in confusion.

“I had been told that you went to the kitchen to request a second breakfast for me and when you didn’t show up I thought you had gotten lost” Arthur explained with a teasing grin, then looked at Merlin’s empty hands with a scowl.

“I- I dropped it” Merlin hurried to say and Arthur huffed a little laugh.

“Graceful as ever” he commented and Merlin didn’t know why he still hadn’t released his shoulder, but with a jolt he realised he really didn’t mind, “I must admit I am surprised you haven’t come to see him yet since what happened”.

“You did almost die, yes” Merlin said, his throat closing up.

This was it. He was going to say goodbye to Arthur right there and then, hidden behind a wall and perched on the top of the stairs, impossibly alone with one another.

Merlin didn’t notice Gaius exiting his chambers and sneaking away down the opposite staircase, just as much as Gaius didn’t notice them. A letter had been placed against a goblet with Merlin’s name on it. But Merlin still wasn’t aware of any of this.

All he knew was that he still didn’t have the words to say goodbye to the most important person to him. In another life, maybe, he would have had time to absorb everything that was happening, maybe he would have even had the time to prepare a speech before he had to meet the prince for the last time, but now everything felt rushed like it was all headed in a downward spiral.

“Merlin, are you quite alright? You’re awfully pale. Well, paler than usual” Arthur said, startling him out of his reverie.

Merlin’s eyes brimmed with unshed tears as he nodded.

Here they were, standing on that last step on the top of the staircase, looking at each other for the last time.

“Everything is fine, sire” Merlin assured him, but Arthur didn't look convinced.

“Merlin?” a small voice interrupted from the other end of the corridor, “Merlin, is that you? Gaius told me that a friend of yours is in your room, gravely ill”.

Merlin poked his head over the stone wall and saw Gwen standing in front of Gaius’s door. Arthur stared at Merlin, brow furrowed, before stepping into the corridor to wave at Gwen.

“What?” Merlin asked, confused, marching over to her, “When did you see Gaius?”.

“Just now at the bottom of the right wing staircase…” Gwen said, pointing behind her, “He requested I came here to take care of your friend while he did something important”.

Merlin’s mind started racing.

“Did he tell you where he was going?” he asked hurriedly.

“What is going on?” Gwen asked in return, alarmed at his wild eyes. Merlin ignored her questions, pushing the doors open and staring at the empty room. His eyes fell on the letter resting against a goblet of water on the table and he rushed to grab it, almost stumbling into a chair. Merlin tore the letter open and read Gaius’s farewell, mind screaming at him that he should have foreseen this.

Arthur and Gwen exchanged worried glances behind him.

“Merlin” Gwen said tentatively, reaching out to brush her fingers against his arm before retreating them.

Merlin swiveled in place, trying to look calm, and he waved the letter in front of them, careful to not show them even one word of it.

“Gaius needs me…” he said with a sniffle, “Can you please stay with Will as he requested? He is resting on my bed”.

Arthur stiffened beside them and Merlin realised too late he said the wrong thing.

“Will? Will from Ealdor?" Arthur asked, and one guilty look from Merlin clrearly was all the answer he needed, "What is a sorcerer doing in the castle, Merlin?” he added, fury making itself known through the pitch of his voice and Merlin felt his patience crack once and for all, his hand balling up into fists as he huffed angrily. Gwen’s eyes jumped from one friend to the other before she silently took her leave, going into Merlin’s room.

“He is _dying_ ” Merlin snapped, almost daring Arthur to argue with him while he threw the letter back on the table carelessly, “And now if I don’t hurry, Gaius might do something unthinkable to save him for _my_ sake”.

“What are you saying?” Arthur asked, grabbing him by the shoulders before Merlin could leave. The warlock struggled for a second before giving up, all the events from the last days piling up on him and almost crashing him.

Merlin felt so _tired_.

“A bargain has been struck to save your life last night, Arthur. Your life for someone else’s. But it didn’t go as planned and now Will is dying for something he had no part in…” Merlin said and he didn’t know why he was telling him the truth, but there was no time to invent a lie, so he talked fast, “Now Gaius is leaving for the Isle of the Blessed, the last herald of the Old Religion, to fix this mistake. I cannot let him die, Arthur. He is like a father to me”.

“Gaius bargained his life for mine?” Arthur said, face distorted by shock, and Merlin just looked at him, unable to confess to the last truth standing between them. Merlin did what he did best and deflected, letting Arthur draw his own erroneous conclusions.

“Arthur, I cannot let him die” Merlin pleaded and Arthur released his grip on him, hands wearily dragging along his face as if he was exhausted.

“Is he _insane_? He should know better than getting involved with magic” Arthur argued and Merlin felt the hint of a migraine edging on him. He really couldn’t do this right now, so he jolted towards the door.

“Arthur, I have to stop him before it’s too late” he said, door flying open as he left. Arthur followed him closely.

“Where do you think you’re going? You cannot leave Gwen alone with a sorcerer, I will go, you stay” Arthur said, grabbing his wrist.

“You don’t _get it_ , do you, Arthur?” Merlin said, shaking Arthur’s hand away from him with a strength that surprised them both.

Merlin ran down the corridor and descended the staircases, headed fast towards the stables.

Arthur didn’t argue again.

  
***  
  


Uther had been looking for Arthur for a steady twenty minutes. He had been surprised after finding his still recovering son’s chambers empty and even more surprised to hear from the guards that the Crown Prince of Camelot had left his bed to track down his own manservant.

Servants weren’t as efficient as before, Uther mused, annoyed beyond any reason. He had a mind of scolding Arthur for being too lenient with his subjects. He distinctly ignored the thought that Arthur was just too much like his mother and not in a good way. Ygraine too had a kind soul that made her too gentle with people that were beneath her and she had this very condescending way of handling Uther whenever he told her to stop wasting niceties on servants. Uther didn’t want Arthur to make the same mistakes as his mother, because he knew that a too gentle disposition might invite disrespect. He didn’t want anyone to take advantage of Arthur’s stubborn goodness. If the boy had just been more like Uther he would have been better off, the old king reasoned, and it would have also been easier for him to understand his own son, who was as much a stranger to him as he could have been.

Before he could lose himself in his thoughts, Uther finally found Arthur with his servant, about to ride out of Camelot, and he caught a snippet of their conversation.

“Since you insist on coming with me, you must know something. We will meet a sorceress, the one who struck the bargain to save your life from the Questing Beast’s bite. Her name is Nimueh. She is the one we must stop” the boy was saying and Uther, feeling his blood boiling, shouted at them.

“Arthur!”.

The two young men turned their horses toward the king and exchanged one look before spurring the horses into running across the gates. Uther felt something like panic swarming in his chest and, realising that he had no time to find some guards to follow his son and stop him, he ran to the stables and took his own horse. The image of Nimueh towering smugly over Arthur’s dead body forced itself into his mind to haunt him as he mounted the horse and rushed outside.

  
***  
  


Merlin guided Arthur beyond the White Mountains, over the valley the Valley of the Fallen Kings, unaware of Uther following their tracks and being so close and yet unable to reach them yet, as if there were other forces at play that were holding him back.

They headed north of the Great Seas of Meredor and finally found the lake. There was a horse milling about, abandoned next to the docks since Gaius thought he wasn’t coming back. Merlin and Arthur spotted the physician not far ahead, crossing the lake on a small boat.

“Gaius, stop!” Merlin screamed and the old man turned to look at them in horror.

“Leave!” Gaius screamed back, waving his arm.

Merlin registered distractedly that there was another boat at the docks, as if the Isle had known he was coming and had offered him a chance. He thanked the Gods silently as he climbed into the boat alongside his prince.

“How do we reach him?” Arthur asked, frustrated, “There are no oars”.

Merlin debated whether or not to just say the spell to spur the boat and deal with Arthur’s wrath later, but the sound of hooves stomping on the ground and getting closer and closer made them both whip around to seek its source.

“Arthur!” Uther shouted, fury molding his face into a mask of raw anger and fear, “Don’t you dare make another move!”.

Arthur’s eyes widened and he started searching frantically for something to push the boat away before his father could reach them, but he had failed before he had even the chance. Uther closed the distance between them and dismounted quickly from the horse, running towards them.

“Merlin, do something!” Arthur barked and Merlin opened his mouth, the enchantment on the tip of his tongue, but with a speed that no one would have expected from a man his age, Uther climbed in the boat along them.

“This ends here” Uther warned with a finger in Arthur’s face and then the boat untracked itself from the dock violently, as if it was waiting for the king to join them. Displaced by the sudden movement, Uther fell on his arse, rocking the boat slightly as it advanced towards the small island at the centre of the lake.

“Who did this?” Uther asked, eyes moving from Merlin’s face to Arthur’s, looking for someone to blame.

“How is this happening?” Merlin asked to the heavens, panicked, and Arthur opened his mouth as if to talk, but no words came out.

It looked like they were moving faster than Gaius was and indeed they reached him so quickly that the physician hadn’t even had the opportunity to land one foot on the island.

Merlin had no idea how any of this was happening, but he thought maybe fate’s hand was helping things along.

As soon as he climbed out of the boat, Merlin began to run to Gaius, not even hearing Arthur’s warnings or Uther’s orders.

“Gaius!” Merlin shouted and the old man turned to look at him, sorrow and resignation on his face.

“Merlin, what were you thinking?” he asked, looking like he was forcing himself to be angry, “Leave and take the king and the prince away with you. You cannot stay here” Gaius begged. Merlin grabbed him by the shoulders just as steps resounded from the ruins surrounding them.

After several seconds, Nimueh came in their line of sight, emerging from behind a rotting and barely standing wall.

“Look at you all… I wasn’t expecting so many guests” she sneered, the tattered remains of her red dress swaying against her bare legs.

Arthur drew his sword from its sheath, pointing it towards her and crouching slightly in a defensive stance.

“ _You_!” he shouted, disgust dripping from his voice.

“Nimueh!” Uther gasped and his son faltered slightly beside him, without taking his eyes off the sorceress.

“How nice to have you here, Uther” she said sweetly, a cunning smile curling her lips, “Have you come here for some reminiscing between old friends?”.

Arthur stared at them, dumbfounded.

“Father, how do you know her?” he asked, breathlessly.

Uther stumbled back, legs hitting the border of the boat he had just climbed out of, while Merlin hushed Gaius away, dragging him back towards the other boat.

“I will handle this, please go!” Merlin pleaded him.

“I am ever so glad that Arthur here has joined us” Nimueh continued, eyes glued to Uther’s face. She looked dangerous, as if she was a predator bracing herself to attack, “Perhaps it is time he learns some truths about his dear father”.

Arthur seemed frozen on the spot by confusion and then suddenly the four men present started to talk at the same time, voices overlapping while Nimueh stood minaciously in front of them.

“Father, what is she talking about?”.

“Don’t you dare say another word, witch”.

“Gaius, on the boat!”.

“Merlin, why did you even bring them with you? Have you lost your mind?”.

Nimueh bared her teeth in a snarl, annoyed, before widening her arms and screaming: “ _Enough_!”. An invisible force slammed the four men on the ground, knees digging into wet soil and grass.

“I do not know what you wished to accomplish by coming here” she said, sounding incredibly sick of them. She curled her fingers against her palms and suddenly no more air was reaching their lungs. Arthur groaned, trying to heave a breath that wasn’t going to come, before getting slowly and difficulty up on his feet and swaying his sword around with what looked like an herculean effort. Uther tried to scream for his son.

Nimueh sighed in amusement and with a flick of her wrist she sent the prince flying against a decaying ruin. His head connected painfully on the stone wall and then he was down, unconscious. Uther started wriggling against invisible constraints.

“I guess he will learn the truth another day… For now it’s best that I just put him to sleep, right, Uther?” she said, eyes alight with satisfaction.

Merlin choked, trying to extend a trembling hand towards Nimueh, his heart slamming painfully against his ribcage with panic. She laughed cruelly at him and with a nod of her head, he was flung against a large rock.

“What were you trying to do, you foolish boy?” she taunted him, “I am a priestess of the Old Religion! I do not have time to deal with your pathetic tricks”.

Tears left Merlin’s eyes, which could only look at Arthur’s motionless figure on the ground.

She marched towards him and grabbed his chin, forcing his eyes on her.

“I feel pity for you, but I am glad you brought the king to me so that I can kill him. You did me an incredible kindness” she said and released him, “You have a very promising potential, Emrys. Your destiny has been written for many years to come. Join forces with me and once the king is dead and Arthur is on the throne, we will make Camelot glorious again! A world of sorcerers will flourish with us at its helm”.

Merlin chugged breath after breath, collapsing on the ground, fingers digging into the dirt beneath him while he steadied himself.

“Release Gaius” he stuttered, body shaking for the force of the breaths he was taking.

Nimueh waved a hand and the two older men stopped choking, Gaius crumpled on the ground, eyes closed, and Merlin shouted a shril: " _No_ ".

“Gaius the traitor…” Nimueh enunciated slowly, as she turned to look at the old physician, “If only you could see him the way I see him… Every time I look at him, Merlin, I see him standing beside this foolish tyrant to watch our friends die”.

Her ever so calm demeanor was chilling, as she walked leisurely to tower over Uther, whose eyes were bulging with terror. She smiled sweetly, power exuding from her as she striked Uther with the back of her hand. The slap resounded across the small island as Uther groaned in pain.

Merlin crawled next to to Gaius to check his pulse and was relieved when he found it steady. He drew himself up on his feet and faced the sorceress.

“You lied to me” he said, voice trembling, fists clenching at his side as anger filled him, “You made me bargain my friend’s life without my knowledge and now he is dying because of me. You have tried to kill me and Arthur time and time again. I will never join you”.

Nimueh turned her cold smile on him, while Uther stared from one sorcerer to the other, unable to speak as if a muzzle had been put over his mouth -and Merlin didn’t doubt for one second that it was Nimueh’s doing.

“Come now. We are far too valuable to be enemies. Just think about the great things we could accomplish together” she said as if she was dealing with a small child who was refusing to eat his greens. She was so still and poised that it sent shivers down Merlin’s spine. She was terrifying in her calmness.

Merlin held a hand up.

“ _Ástríce_ ” he screamed and Nimueh absorbed the hit gracefully, barely rattled.

“ _Forbærne Ácwele_!” Nimueh said, shooting fire towards Merlin, who ducked quickly and extended his hand again. Nimueh bared her teeth in a predatory grin and she sent him flying against a wall, invisible ropes tying him down.

“I will not lose this opportunity to obtain my revenge, young warlock” she said, “The king will die here and now”.

She went to kneel beside Uther, grabbing him by the throat.

“Just as your face was one the last things many of my people saw while dying, mine will be yours” she promised, still impossibly calm despite the violent intent behind her words.

Uther wriggled pathetically as Merlin also fought against his bindings, but his jaw was shut painfully and he couldn’t do anything. He was powerless.

Nimueh sighed and looked at the young man.

“Your friend doesn't need to die. I will show you I know mercy. Remember this, Emrys” she said before dragging Uther against the side of the stone table. She held her arms up, palms facing the sky, as she recited: “ _Ic, séo héahsácerd, þe ácwile strengþe ealdan æwfæstnesse_!”.

The wind started to howl as it whipped their clothes and chilled their bones.

Merlin screwed his eyes shut, invoking every drop of magic inside of him as he fought his restraints once again. He felt around with tendrils of magic and found this invisible force wrapped around his wrists and ankles and he began trying to unravel them with his magic in vain. Panicked, he whined low in his throat as he asked help from the heavens. His magic flailed around helplessly and he knew it was completely out of his control when suddenly the wind was sharper as he felt it whip against the restraints and dent them. Relieved, he gave all control over to his panicked magic, which kept wildly directing the unnatural wind on the ropes, not caring that he was hurting himself in the process. He thought it was an inevitable consequence of letting his magic try to control something so errant as the wind, and he almost welcomed the pain. It seemed fitting that he was flagellating himself in his efforts to break free. He reined in a cheer as he felt the restraints at his ankles give out and he was held against the wall only by the ropes on his wrists. He felt blood slick his forearms as he strained, legs kicking out in the air.

Nimueh, oblivious to anything that didn’t involve the old king, kneeled beside Uther and braced herself with a hand on the stone table, a victorious smile grazing her face.

“Do you have any last words?” she asked the king softly, as if she was doing him a favor.

“I had no other choice” Uther wheezed, “You killed her”.

“No, Uther. Your foolishness killed Ygraine” Nimueh snapped, emotions finally displaying themselves.

“You deny magic is evil?” Uther murmured, looking incredibly pale and tired.

“Magic gave you your son. It saved him yesterday and it will again tomorrow” Nimueh spat out, face contorted. Uther shook his head in refusal.

Behind them, Merlin fell on the ground, finally free.

“Nimueh, no!” he shouted, scrambling up on unsteady feet as blood loss made him dizzy.

Nimueh whipped around, hair flying against Uther’s face because of how close she was.

“You want him to _live_?” Nimueh asked, incredulous, “He murdered our people in cold blood and given the chance he would murder you too”.

Uther wheezed another couple of unsteady breaths as he sagged further against the stone.

“That doesn’t mean that letting him die is right” Merlin answered, hands shaking. He had to do something but he had no idea what. Gaius and Arthur still laid unconscious behind them. The situation was pointed south and Merlin didn’t know how to fix any of it. He stumbled towards the sorceress, mind racing in search for a spell to knock her out.

“Naive boy…” Nimueh scoffed, rising from the ground.

“I bargained my life for Arthur’s! Certainly not Will’s and not Uther’s” he said trembling as freezing cold rain started to fall.

“What is done is done, warlock!” Nimueh argued, “The Old Religion does not care who lives and who dies! Only that the balance of the world is restored. To save a life, a life must be taken”.

He pushed her away from Uther, who had been watching the exchange in silence, head lolling between his shoulders in a light seizure. Nimueh let him kneel beside the king, smug smirk in place.

“I- I will not be responsible for the king’s death” he said, steeling himself and scrabbling around in his mind for a healing spell strong enough to save him.

Nimueh laughed cruelly as raindrops streaked her face.

“You still haven’t got it, have you? All of this is out of your hands, Emrys. There is nothing you can do, it’s over” she said, clear blue eyes aflame with the madness of her hatred.

Merlin clenched his fist at his sides, guilt gripping his heart. The king was rasping out pitiful sounds as he was dying.

“My son… my son… Don’t let her touch my son” he was whimpering, like a litany, before life left his eyes and his body went slack.

Merlin reeled away from him in shock, hands digging in the ground beneath him.

“You can thank me now. Uther is dead and your friend will live. The balance of the world has been restored” Nimueh informed him perfunctorily and she looked as she was almost surprised that she had succeeded.

“I thought I would never see this day” she whispered, eyes filling with tears, “It truly is over”.

She smiled through her tears as she looked at Merlin in triumph.

“I couldn’t stop it…” Merlin said to himself, incredulous. Nimueh’s smile faded slowly but steadily, her mind lost in her own world.

“You have much to learn” Nimueh mused but suddenly she looked tired, as if achieving what she had seeked for decades had left her empty, “Take the traitor and the prince away from this island and never return. We shall never see each other again”.

And with no more words, Nimueh left, taking the rain away with her. The clouds started to part as a few rays of sun hit the stone table, Uther dead at its feet.

Merlin stared at the scene before him, unable to wrap his mind around it. It had all somehow happened so fast and he hadn’t been able to stop it. And now he was going to have to face Arthur and tell him his father was gone.

_ Arthur. _

Merlin rose from the ground and stumbled towards the prince, breath knocked out of him as if Nimueh was back.

He fell next to him and shook him by the shoulders.

“Arthur! Arthur, please!” he cried. Blood was covering one half of his face, mixed with the rain that had battered on them for a good ten minutes, and Merlin frantically searched for any sign of injury.

“ _Gestathole_ ” he tried desperately as he held a hand towards Arthur’s general direction.

The prince stirred from unconsciousness and blinked weakly. Merlin’s whole body sagged with relief.

“Arthur” he said, wiping some blood away tenderly with his sleeve.

“Merlin” the prince mumbled, bemused by his surroundings, then memories seemed to hit him in the face as he looked around.

“Where is the sorceress?” he asked, before his eyes fell on his father’s corpse. He paled, scrambling to his feet as Merlin helped him up.

“Merlin, my father… what happened to my father?” he whined, tripping over his own feet. Merlin held him in place.

“I’m so sorry” he said, “I’m so sorry, Arthur”.

Arthur pushed him away with one hand on his chest and stumbled on his own until he finally reached his father.

“No!” he shouted, kneeling and dragging the king in his lap, “Father, wake up”.

Merlin diverted his eyes as soon as Arthur started crying, forehead pressed against Uther’s nape, and the young sorcerer went to help Gaius.

Gaius seemed slower on the take as he startled into consciousness and Merlin squeezed his forearm until he was fully seated against a rock.

“Merlin, what happened?”.

“The king is dead” Merlin said, voice almost devoid of emotion as the wild wind circled around them and made his tears fly from his face with its strength, and he wondered if it was his own desperation that was causing the wind to rise and rise, “What are we going to do, now?”.

“Oh, my dear boy” Gaius gasped, holding Merlin close.

Beside them, Arthur’s body wracked with sobs as the sun pooled around him in an uneven circle, making his wet blond hair shine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took me ages to write because i couldn't figure out the right way to kill uther and then one night i started ranting and then i wrote it all in one go... anygays i like to imagine that nimueh after this got a cottage in the woods and practiced small acts of kind magic to the nearby village until she met a farm girl and fell in love and got the cottagecore lesbian dream <3 also, i nicked the spells from the actual episode


	4. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Uther's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops i'm late... but don't worry, this is a good one. it is a bit shorter than usual though. also, content warning: there is a scene where merlin has a panic attack so if that's triggering for you tread carefully.

Arthur had marched into Camelot holding his father’s body in his arms.

He had stood stoically in front of the funeral pyre, donning his ceremonial armour and his crown, and later he had let out his anger on his room, destroying almost all of his belongings as Merlin had stood just outside the door, hands behind his back, wishing to be there for him in all the ways he could and even in those he couldn’t.

The day of the coronation was close and Arthur looked numb to it.

It had happened all so quickly. Merlin knew Arthur hadn’t been ready to lose his father so soon and now he was supposed to take on the whole weight of his kingdom on his shoulders.

He could only watch as Arthur stared out of his window for hours at a time, between bursts of violence that left his chambers in shambles.

This was not how it was supposed to go.

Merlin didn’t know how to make it better so he took up permanent residence on the floor in front of Arthur’s chambers. His back was not pleased with this development, but Merlin couldn’t care less. He wondered briefly if Arthur had noticed, but this too was irrelevant. All it mattered was that Merlin was close to his prince the only way he knew how.

Gaius had grown exceedingly worried for him over the course of the handful of days he had been sleeping outside Arthur’s chambers but he didn’t know how to make Merlin desist. He had tried teaming up with Gwen and a newly recovered Will to convince him to take it easy, but Merlin was unmovable. He followed Arthur to his daily meetings with the court advisors and he brought him everything he needed. Despite the exhaustion that was creeping on him, Merlin was nothing if not perfectly efficient. The least he could do for Arthur in his time of grief was being the best manservant he could have asked for. Merlin prided himself with how good he had gotten at predicting Arthur’s needs so that he never had to ask for anything. Actually, this brought Arthur to almost never even say a word to him. He was silent and pensive in the confines of his chambers when Merlin was beside him, helping him with his clothes, laying down his meals, gathering his dirty laundry. Merlin reveled in this quietness, glad that he could give this to Arthur. Glad he could give him this slice of peace where he didn’t have to voice his thoughts and could just grieve with no other expectations otherwise.

He was so glad Arthur didn’t have to wear a mask in front of him. He could drop the stoic facade of a warrior always ready for battle to just be the orphan who had to bear more responsibilities than he was ready for.

Merlin recognised the privilege of being able to see Arthur at his most vulnerable and he didn’t take this lightly. He knew this was a deliberate choice Arthur was making, showing him this side of him, quiet and full of sorrow, that stood next to his window to look outside for hours before going to sleep, or that sat at his desk, elbows on his knees and hands in his hair, trying to relearn how to breathe.

Merlin knew he was lucky and he tried to repay Arthur with his vague proximity, never putting any pressure on him but simply standing close. He tried to offer him a constant presence that he could reach for whenever he was ready. Merlin ached to comfort him, to hold him, but he knew Arthur didn’t want any of that. He didn’t want sympathy nor help, because he wasn’t ready to receive it, but the second he needed it he would have found Merlin right beside him, hand already outstretched.

Merlin pushed himself to be perfect and pushed himself to make no more mistakes, because he already had his fat share in the last week and he wasn't allowed any more of them. He had to be flawless because he couldn’t put any more weight on Arthur than what he already had. If he had been able to save Uther for Arthur’s sake, this wouldn’t have been necessary.

What Merlin didn’t see coming was his own reaction two days before the coronation, when he accidentally shattered a vase after Arthur’s dinner. He was tidying up the table, ready to clean the dirty metal dishes and place them back in their cupboard. Waves of pain radiated from his back and his hands kept shaking from sleep deprivation and his eyes unfocused for a second, enough for him to not see where his feet were going. He tripped in a chair and his elbow knocked the glass vase on the floor, breaking in what seemed to Merlin a hundred little pieces.

An unfounded panic started spreading through his limbs and he cursed himself. He was going so well and now here he was bringing chaos to Arthur’s peace. His breaths started coming in faster as his eyes filled with tears.

He felt so stupid.

“I’m sorry” he whimpered, hurriedly crouching on the floor and blindly trying to gather the porcelain with trembling fingers, “I’m so sorry, my lord. I’ll clean it up right away, I’m so sorry, sire”.

Arthur, who had turned to look at him when the vase shuttered, cursed out loud.

“Merlin, you’re kneeling right on it, you idiot” he said, rushing to Merlin’s side.

“Wha-?” Merlin said, looking down, even though his sight was blurred by tears. He hadn’t even registered the pain in his knees until Arthur had pointed out the pieces of glass stuck in his flesh but now that he was aware of it, the pain started to pulsate slowly down his legs. Arthur pushed him up on his feet, worry etching his face, and Merlin felt immensely guilty.

“Sire-” he started, with half a mind to apologise again and again.

“Come here” Arthur ordered sharply, dragging him towards a chair, away from the mess of porcelain and blood that was now streaking the floor.

“No, there is no need, sire” Merlin hurried, panic making his voice pitching.

“Sit” Arthur said, voice brokering no argument, as he pushed with both hands on Merlin’s shoulders until he complied.

Merlin was supposed to take care of Arthur, not the other way around. This was all wrong, he was stupid stupid stupid-

“Sire, stop-” he tried again, but Arthur wasn’t having it.

“Merlin-” the prince said in warning tones, as he knelt and tried to examine the cuts on his knees through the newly made tiny holes in his slacks.

“Don’t bother, I’ll go see Gai-” Merlin insisted, hand bracing on the back of the chair as he tried to get up again.

“Merlin, shut up for one second” Arthur snapped, as he wrapped his right hand around Merlin’s calf and tugged him back down.

Merlin fell roughly back on on the chair in defeat.

“I can’t see the cuts” Arthur informed him, brows furrowed, “Either you take your trousers off or I rip the fabric where I think the pieces are stuck”.

Merlin’s eyes bulged in his skull. Arthur stood back up with a sigh and patted him on the shoulder.

“Come now, get up and take them off” he ordered kindly. Merlin swallowed roughly, hands shaking again, before he nodded and did as told. He shimmied until his pants hit the floor, without taking them fully off, because somehow that would have been worse on his already frail nerves, and in the meanwhile he didn’t utter a single word, avoiding looking at Arthur as if his life depended on it.

Arthur went to fetch a clean cloth and kneeled beside him once again, wiping the blood off carefully. His face was smooth and relaxed and Merlin was just so very confused.

“I can’t believe you’re so stupid you knelt on a broken vase” Arthur teased with a snort but there was no trace of judgement in his voice, just unending fondness.

“I’m sorry, sire” Merlin stammered, for a lack of better things to say. His heart was beating loudly in his ears and he felt like his skin was on fire wherever Arthur was touching him.

“Stop apologizing!” Arthur exclaimed, inexplicably annoyed.

“Sorry” Merlin let out before he could stop himself.

“Is your hearing impaired?” Arthur asked, voice incredulous.

Merlin clenched his mouth shut and looked away.

Arthur kept up with his careful ministrations, mindful of the bigger cuts and the pieces still stuck in Merlin’s knees.

Merlin felt like he was about to go insane. The prince of Camelot, who was going to be coronated king in two days, was playing nurse to his manservant out of his own will.

“There are two big pieces and a little one. They didn’t go in deep so you won’t need to get sewn up. I’m about to start taking the bigger ones out” Arthur warned after a while, hand squeezing Merlin’s ankle in a soothing motion.

Merlin breathed out shakily, bracing himself.

Arthur’s fingers were swift and surprisingly light as they worked and Merlin tried to reconcile this image of Arthur with the one he had built over the year. Arthur had the hands of a warrior, scarred and rough, and yet here they were now, so tender and careful that it made Merlin want to cry again.

Once he had taken all the glass out, he motioned to Merlin to keep the leg elevated and to keep pressing the cloth over the cuts.

“Give me your scarf” Arthur said.

“What?” Merlin said, confused.

“I need something to bandage your knee with” Arthur explained, a hint of his usual impatience making an appearance in his voice. Merlin untied his scarf from his neck and handed it to him wordlessly and Arthur carefully folded it and wrapped it around Merlin’s knee.

Arthur stopped to examine his handiwork, humming thoughtfully as his fingers stroked Merlin’s skin in a round motion. Then, as if remembering himself and his position, he cleared his throat and hastily got up on his feet. His cheeks were a bright pink and Merlin averted his eyes.

“You’ll live” Arthur said, gruffly as he threw the now dirty cloth over on his desk.

Merlin nodded, standing up and hurriedly bringing his slacks back up, ears colored bright scarlet.

“Thank you, sire” he said and Arthur had a strange look in his eyes.

“Of course, Merlin” he said and he sounded exhausted.

Merlin’s heart got heavier with guilt.

“I will try being less clumsy, your Majesty, I promise” he stuttered, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

Arthur grimaced as he took a seat, pressing his fingers to his mouth as if in thought.

“Merlin. I didn’t want to have this conversation yet... “ he started, leaning with his elbows on his knees and his head low, “I didn’t want to have this conversation ever, actually”.

Merlin looked at him in alarm, already going through his mind to find what else he had done wrong. He was a complete failure, he had kidded himself that he was helping while instead he was only providing more problems.

“I know what you’ve been trying to do. And I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I appreciate it” Arthur continued, unaware of Merlin’s inner turmoil, “But you need to stop. I will not stand and idly watch you burn yourself out. I can handle my own grief, you don’t need to do it for me”.

Merlin froze, mind all over the place.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, sire-” he started hesitatingly.

“Stop-” Arthur said, before dragging a hand down his face with a groan, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but stop with all the sires and your Majestys and this weird… perfect servant thing”.

Arthur waved a hand, encompassing Merlin’s entire figure. Merlin blinked in confusion.

“Sire-”.

“What did I just say, Merlin?” Arthur groaned, fingers digging against his eyes as if he had the most intense migraine of his life. Merlin shuffled on his feet nervously.

“I know I don’t often show it, but I actually value you. I might even be so bold as to say I sometimes even like you, Gods forbid. Clumsiness and irreverence and all” Arthur said, stretching out his legs as he sagged against the back of the chair.

“You never show it” Merlin said in answer, making a step towards the prince. Arthur sighed and grimaced again.

“Yes. Yes, I’m afraid you’re right” he said with audible regret, “But that is my mistake to fix, not yours”.

Merlin fidgeted with the hem of his jacket and he didn’t know what was happening to his body, but it felt like every atom of his being was restlessly pushing him towards Arthur. He felt the need to close the distance between them, to hold Arthur and told him he understood and that he would never blame him. He knew Arthur wasn’t big on showing signs of affection so it wasn’t his fault if Merlin hadn’t known... he hadn’t known...

“Sire-” Merlin begun.

Arthur winced.

“Arthur” Melin corrected himself as he made another small step in his direction. Arthur visibly relaxed.

“I am glad to serve you and I will do so until the day I die” Merlin said, words coming out of their own volition, as if Arthur’s admittance of affection requested one of Merlin’s own in return, “And I am… I am thankful for your respect”.

Arthur nodded, face tight with uneasiness. Merlin knew this kind of emotional talks made Arthur uncomfortable and wondered what was passing through his mind.

As if trying to physically move on from the conversation, he grabbed the broom from its little closet on the other end of the room and started brushing the porcelain from the floor. He would have to go grab a bucket of water to wipe the blood, but he resolved to do it later, once the floor was safe to be walked upon.

“I… I am sorry” Arthur whispered behind him and Merlin did a double take, turning to look at the prince so fast his head went dizzy with it. Had he imagined it-?

“I am sorry. I feel like I have been taking advantage of your admiration and I just let you overwork yourself and I shouldn’t have” Arthur said in one breath, as if he was trying to get this burden off of him as quickly and painlessly as possible.

The broom slipped from Merlin’s fingers to fall on the floor with a clutter. Arthur winced again, head bent so low between his shoulders that Merlin couldn’t make out his face.

“I- I-” Merlin stuttered, so overwhelmed that he was having trouble forming any kind of coherent thought.

“Very eloquent, Merlin” Arthur snorted, crossing his arms over his chest and raising his head to let his eyes latch onto Merlin’s figure without letting go, and Merlin’s world stopped spinning. Arthur was teasing him again, so this meant that it wasn’t all a hallucination. Perhaps.

Merlin shook his head to clear it and then gave Arthur a watery smile.

Arthur smiled back and warmth spread throughout Merlin’s limbs. This was the first smile Arthur had produced in over a week, he registered with pride.

“I… There are more things I should probably say” Arthur added, left hand flying to the back of his head, drawing the perfect picture of self-consciousness.

“You don’t need to” Merlin assured him, bending to grab the broom again, ready to put all of this behind them without a second thought.

“Except that I do” Arthur argued with a sigh and squared his shoulders before sitting up straight.

“You have offered yourself so effortlessly, as if you didn’t care about anything but my comfort, and I let you. I let you give yourself away piece by piece. Because it was easier than saying no” Arthur continued, voice creaking on certain words as if saying them was taking away too much of his strength. Merlin admired him in that moment, because he knew that an heartfelt conversation was Arthur’s own personal definition of hell.

The prince rose from his seat, walking over to Merlin and grabbing both his wrists, face determined. He looked like a dam had broken and all the things he had held inside for the last couple of days were all pouring out uncontrollably. Merlin watched his every movement like an hawk, mouth going dry.

“It was wrong but I didn’t know what else to do. I- I needed you” Arthur admitted, pressing his right thumb against Merlin’s pulse point, “And you let me be selfish with all your pieces. You let me take and take and take… And I don’t want to take until you have nothing more to give. I cannot bring myself to do that to you. Because even though you have been invaluable during the last week, I need you just the way you always were. So go on and call me an idiot like you always do. I’m sorry”.

Merlin’s mind was a whirlwind of contrasting emotions and as Arthur stroked his thumbs back and forth on the delicate skin of his wrists, he thought that he might as well die. This was as good as it was ever going to get.

“Merlin…” Arthur called loudly, forehead creasing with doubt and frustration, “Do you accept my apology or not?”.

“Of course” Merlin answered automatically and unconsciously leaned in. They were so close that it was doing weird things to Merlin’s body. He found himself shaking from head to toes and he knew Arthur could tell. How couldn’t he, when they were standing so close together, breaths mixing, and when Arthur’s hands were on him the way they were.

Merlin felt like they stood like that forever, maybe on the cusp of something. But once again, neither of them was willing to make the first move. But how could Merlin know what that first move was, when he didn’t even know the game they were playing in the first place?

Merlin was confused, because this felt different, new, absurd. He didn’t have the faintest idea of what this was. He felt around for a thought that was just outside his reach, but it was close enough that Merlin knew it was there, the strand of a broken thread that he had to grasp before it flew away.

Merlin took a deep breath, turning his hands in Arthur’s grip to dig his fingers in Arthur’s forearms in return. Arthur’s breath stuttered for a second and his eyes flickered away from Merlin’s face.

Merlin finally had it. He held the thread in his mind close and felt unraveled by the realisations it brought him.

Meanwhile, Arthur took a step away and Merlin mirrored him, hands leaving the prince to lay purposelessly against his sides.

“Good. Glad we did this” Arthur said awkwardly as he went to stand in front of the window.

Merlin steeled himself and forced himself into moving. He methodically cleaned the floor, mind racing.

When he left for the night, Arthur was still standing by the window. Outside the chambers, Merlin braced himself on the stone wall for a couple of seconds, staring at the floor he had been sleeping on for more than a week, and then left for Gaius’s rooms with trembling legs.

  
***  
  


That night, he curled up on his bed as Will was sleeping on a small cot in the corner next to the window. He stared at the ceiling and thought with a desperation that was new to him: ‘ _Why did I have to go and fall in love with him?_ ’.

  
***  
  


The day of the coronation was cloudy and cold but otherwise serene. Arthur had already been awake when Merlin had come to bring him breakfast, sitting at his desk in the dark. The prince had barely given him a glance as he laid the food on the table, and he just sat there, fingers crumpling the fabric of his sleeping slacks.

Merlin looked at him carefully, before sighing and bringing the plate over to him.

“Here” he whispered softly, but Arthur just nodded and stared at the floor.

“Do you want me to draw the curtains open? Get in some light?” he asked.

Arthur shook his head. Merlin tentatively reached his hand to squeeze Arthur’s bare shoulder in an attempt to give him some comfort.

He left quietly as he had come, closing the door behind him with a swift thud, to give Arthur the time to gather himself up for the day. He came back an hour later, ceremonial armour shining in his arms. He had spent half of his night polishing it and ignoring Will’s smart remarks that he could have just used magic. The motion of it had brought him comfort.

Here he was now, sliding Arthur’s chainmail over his head, buckling his vambraces, fitting his cape around his broad shoulders. Here he was, preparing his prince for one of the most difficult days of his life.

“Are you ready?” he whispered, his hand pressed against the plates of Arthur’s chest armour. Arthur visibly hesitated before he slowly raised his own hand, telegraphing his intentions to give Merlin time to stop him if he wanted. When he was met with no opposition, he slid his hand against Merlin’s jaw, fingers warm, and he trailed them down his neck before he grabbed him gently by the nape.

“I’m ready” Arthur said, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed roughly.

  
***  
  


On that cloudy day, the Prince of Camelot knelt in the throne room, surrounded by knights and nobility, as Merlin looked from his corner next to the other servants.

Gwen had wrapped her fingers against his wrist in support as she stood close, awe and pride shining in her eyes as they looked on while a new shiny crown was being placed over Arthur’s head.

King Arthur rose from the floor, turning to look at his people with determination in his eyes.

“The King is dead, Long Live the King!”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you friday. hopefully. i'll try not to forget next time. come remind me not to be late on [twitter](https://twitter.com/quakefalcon) i guess?


	5. Too many goblets of wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camelot is adjusting to its new king while Merlin tries to cope with his newly discovered feelings. Other revelations ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay the previous chapter was kinda short but this one is a reasonable length. also, we finally see arthur's pov in addition to merlin's so get ready for some insight into the king's mind. <3 get used to it because the deeper we go into the story, the more povs will come up. see you at the bottom of it!!

The morning Merlin had woken up back in his own bed after a week of getting hardly any sleep on the floor outside Arthur’s chambers, Gaius had prepared his favourite breakfast for him and Will and had flitted around the room like he was trying to right everything up to stop himself from making a teary speech. Will had chuckled under his breath and thrown a flick of his oatmeal in Merlin’s face.

Merlin had been happy about Will staying a little bit longer as he got back on his feet. A magical illness was not something that you shrugged off easily, after all. Plus, Arthur hadn’t really said anything else about Will since he was so focused on settling in his role as King after a very long series of traumatic events. Merlin reasoned he had just assumed Will had gone away. Merlin didn’t want to kick his friend out, but there were some concerns he had about the whole situation. When he talked to Will about it, they had reached a sort of understanding very quickly.

_“If Gaius knows that Arthur thinks you’re a sorcerer he will have you a hundred miles away from Camelot by tomorrow morning”._

_“Let’s just not tell him, then”._

_“And you will do what? Live here for a while and try to not be caught by Arthur?”._

_“Sounds like a pretty straightforward plan”._

_“You’re crazy”._

_“Pass me the butter instead of pestering me”._

All in all, things had been pretty good. Well, _almost_ everything.

Gwen had started to avoid him. Not outright. She didn’t run away as soon as she saw him, but she did spend as little time as she could with him, creating random excuses to escape early from all their conversations. This behaviour cut Merlin right down to the meat of his heart, because she had grown to become one of his closest friends and now he didn’t know what he did to push her away.

He didn’t have to wonder long, though.

Exactly one month from Arthur’s coronation, she had cornered him on the training grounds while he was running an errand for Sir Leon, who had asked him to gather the sparring spears so politely that Merlin could never have said no. He liked Sir Leon and his kind eyes and he was happy that he had taken up to train the knights instead of Arthur, for whom new duties seemed to sprung up everyday. He was less happy with how Arthur had asked Merlin to keep being the knights’ errand boy and occasional moving target. It seemed Arthur really liked to see him suffer.

So this was why he had a spear in his hands when Gwen tapped him on the shoulder and startled him into turning around, and this was how Gwen got her first black eye. He hit her square in the face with the wooden handle of the spear and felt like he had finally given her a reason to never talk to him ever again.

“Gwen” he cried out as he dropped the spear. Gwen waved her hand at him.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m sorry!” she said, holding the side of her face.

“ _You’re_ sorry? I’m the one who just hit you in the face” Merlin said, panicking a little as he tried to assess how much damage he had done, but Gwen waved him off again.

“Well, I should have known not to approach you while you were holding a weapon” Gwen said with a faint hiss as she touched her cheek.

“Fair enough” Merlin said with a nervous laugh as he placed a hand on her shoulder and bent a little to examine the point where he hit her. Gwen blinked a couple of times and then looked horrified at herself.

“Not that you’re untrustworthy or incapable, you have a lot of skills, I bet you could learn how to handle a spear perfectly if you had the chance, I didn’t mean to insult you-” she rushed in one breath, getting progressively more and more flustered. Merlin chuckled and shook his head.

“It’s fine, Gwen” he assured her, hand sliding off her shoulder, “Now, did you need something?”.

Gwen seemed to look even more uncomfortable.

“Yes. There is something I have waited too long to tell you” she said, head bent low as she wrung her hands.

Merlin steeled himself.

“I have… I have done something I shouldn’t have done” Gwen confessed, eyes darting nervously around her. Her cheek had started to swell a little.

Merlin narrowed his eyes in confusion as he pursed his lips slightly.

“What?” he asked when Gwen made no move to continue.

“Back when you and Arthur left to look for Gaius… The night king Uther died” Gwen stuttered, voice barely louder than a murmur.

Merlin froze instantly.

“I stayed behind with Will, remember?” Gwen continued and he nodded stiffly in answer, “I… I was looking for a clean goblet because Will was thirsty and he was coughing so hard it was scary and I… I accidentally read the letter Gaius left for you on the table. I only meant to take a look because no one ever tells me anything when something is going on and then- then I was so afraid that I read all of it.”.

Merlin felt a rush of fear invading him. He remembered what the letter said. He remembered Gaius’s farewell, he remembered every single word. He remembered that one specific sentence that had now condemned him in Gwen’s eyes.

_I believe you will, in time, become the greatest warlock ever._

Merlin stumbled a couple of steps away from Gwen, the rush of getting caught activating his flight response.

“Merlin” Gwen said, reaching out for him, and he shuffled on his feet.

“You know what I am” he whispered, voice wavering. Gwen nodded, face contorted like she was in incredible pain.

“I’m sorry” she said, grabbing his forearms, silently pleading him to forgive her. And that didn’t make sense. Gwen should have been disgusted by him.

“That’s the reason you’ve been avoiding me” he realised out loud and she grimaced.

“Yes. But not because I’m afraid of you or Gods forbid, certainly not because I hate you” she rushed to say, “I could never hate you. I should not have read the letter, it was private and I feel like I betrayed your trust. I was ashamed”.

Merlin felt like the ground had disappeared from beneath his feet and he was floating aimlessly. Nothing made sense anymore. He was the one who had lied to everyone for a year and yet Gwen was the one who was apologising, who felt ashamed.

“Why… why are you telling me this now?” he asked, scanning the training grounds to check if anyone was paying even the slightest sliver of attention to them. There was no one in hearing range and the knights were loud and boisterous as they pushed each other playfully.

Gwen freed his arms, starting to wring her hands again.

“Because… because Morgana just had another nightmare. And I am not completely sure because I don’t know enough about these matters to make such a statement but I think… I think she is like you” Gwen whispered fretfully. Merlin’s eyes widened.

“How? What makes you think so?” he asked, feeling almost frantic. His heart was beating so fast he thought it was going to burst out of his chest.

“Last night she… she woke up screaming that there were dark shadows riding towards Camelot and... and she… she told me she shattered a vase. With her mind. I have tried to comfort her as much as I could, but she was so confused and lost and scared. She doesn’t understand what’s happening to her and honestly I don’t either” Gwen explained, sliding closer to him so that her words could only be heard by him.

Merlin took some time to let her words truly sink in.

“I- Gwen, I don't understand” he stammered, mind racing, “What do you want me to do about it? It’s not like I can make her dreams stop. Gaius has tried and failed and he is a much smarter man than I am”.

“I never thought you could but… maybe. Maybe if you helped her, they wouldn’t be so bad” she pleaded, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“I don’t know anything about those kinds of powers. She is… She is much more than I am” Merlin explained, fidgeting.

“So she does have powers” Gwen said, closing her eyes firmly shut as if the confirmation pained her, and Merlin felt his own heart break a little.

He reached out to squeeze her wrist in sympathy.

“She needs to hear it from someone like her, from someone who knows. I can’t be the one who tells her when I wouldn’t know how to answer the other thousand questions that would come next to plague her” Gwen whispered with a sudden urgency in her voice and Merlin retreated his hand from her as if he had been burned. He shook his head no, almost panicking. He wasn’t ready for this.

“You have a hang on your... your skills, though, right?” Gwen insisted, now filled with a new determination, “Maybe you could teach her how to control herself”.

Merlin shook his head nervously.

“No one else can know about me” he begged, “No one else but me and Gaius should have known in the first place. This is dangerous, Gwen. If it ever gets out that you know… you would be blamed too. I already put Gaius in this difficult position and now you’re in this too. I cannot do this to Morgana”.

“But- But Uther is dead and Arthur… He would never hurt you, he cares for you deeply” Gwen argued vehemently and Merlin wished he could believe her.

“Magic killed his father” Merlin whispered furiously and they really shouldn’t be doing this out in the open, “If he ever found out, I would be on a pyre faster than I could say even one word in my defense”.

“You truly believe that” Gwen said, looking like she had been shaken to her core by his words.

“How could I not?” Merlin snapped, frustrated.

“I would never believe Arthur to be half -no, not even _a drop_ as hateful and merciless as his father. He wouldn’t hurt any of his people like that and they are all strangers to him. You, on the other hand... He trusts you almost implicitly, otherwise he wouldn’t keep you around so much, especially during all those dangerous missions of his” Gwen said, a strand of dark hair falling from her bun and swaying as she shook her head, “He would never hurt his own people and _certainly_ not someone he cares so much for”.

Merlin laughed bitterly at her naivety and felt immediately awful for it. He had no right to ruin her unending belief in the goodness of human nature, something he also once had. But all of those notions had abandoned him several months after living in Camelot and seeing for himself how rotten people could be.

“Yes, he trusts me. And how have I repaid that trust? By hiding who I really am from him every day since I met him. That is not something anyone could forgive” he couldn’t help but say, jaded and twitchy.

This made Gwen look at him with something akin to pity in her eyes. Merlin averted his eyes away from her face to land them on the grass.

“If you are right, then her abilities would put Morgana in danger too” she pointed out softly and Merlin pressed his fingers to his forehead, jaw clenching.

“That is different. They grew up together, she is his family” he argued firmly.

Gwen sighed and tucked her rebellious strand of hair behind her ear, seemingly defeated.

“I’m afraid nothing I can say will change your mind about Arthur” she said, resigned, “But please. Think of Morgana. She feels so lost… so alone. You could change that”.

Merlin felt like someone punched him in the gut, air fleeing from his lungs in a rush. He knew what Morgana must be feeling all too well.

“Telling her is your choice. I will never take that choice from you, I will guard your secret as if it were mine” Gwen promised, solemnly, “The only thing I ask of you is to consider very carefully about how much good you could do by telling her and how much damage you would if you didn’t say anything”.

Before he could reply, a rough voice called for Merlin.

“Boy! Stop wooing the handmaidens and bring us our spears” Sir Brennis shouted with a sneer and Merlin winced. He had always hated Sir Brennis with a burning passion.

Gwen faltered, looking endlessly embarrassed, and Merlin used this to cut their conversation short.

“I will talk to you later, Gwen” Merlin sent after her as he gathered as many spears in his arms as he could and started stumbling awkwardly towards the knights.

Gwen’s words had hit him deeply, leaving him raw and exposed, he realised as he chased away thoughts of Morgana’s pain. This was going to be the most difficult decision he would ever make and he felt deeply inadequate.

He just had to hope he wouldn’t mess up too badly when the time came.

  
***  
  


Arthur had sent letters to all the people who had known Uther in his youth, scattering hesitant questions all over his kingdom and beyond. He had gathered enough confused responses over the last month that he had to come to terms with the fact that no one had the information he seeked. He spent hours everyday studying maps or rifling through old royal archives. He kept making up reasons for Merlin to be as far from him while he did his digging, because he knew somehow that Merlin would not have approved. Arthur felt himself being twisted and dragged into opposite directions as he tried to juggle his new role as King with his research. The last thing he needed was a certain judgy manservant looking at him like he was disappointed in him.

Arthur had tried everything but the obvious and he tried to ignore the little voice at the back of his head that sounded horrifyingly like Morgana, telling him to stop being so scared and to face this head on. When all he could find was one old record from before the Great Purge that mentioned a nameless Court Magician, he almost turned the library upside down, but the prospect of having to deal with a furious and bewildered Geoffrey stopped him in his tracks. Thus, he simply made his way back to his chambers, dragging his feet and sporting a look so sour that servants ran at the sight of him to not encounter his wrath.

Arthur needed answers but he was afraid that the only man who could give them to him wasn’t going to let them go willingly any time soon.

He felt frustrated as he had never been before. What good was being king if the librarian still treated him like a child and his Court Physician was going to keep holding back truths from him?

Arthur knew he had no more alternatives and he didn’t like being cornered. He liked having options, or at least space to move and strike from any different angle.

He wondered how he could convince Gaius to spill, but he came up with nothing. He had known him since he was born and he saw how loyal to a fault the man had been to Uther for the last two decades. He knew that even if he ordered Gaius to tell him the truth, he wouldn’t budge, and Arthur cursed the old man’s proud nature. In a way, Merlin’s loyalty as his manservant had always looked similar to the loyalty Gaius had shown as Uther’s trusted physician.

Arthur scoffed at himself as he tugged on his hair, scolding his mind for always finding a way to somehow circle back to that tall and gangly idiot. He shuffled the papers on his desk, searching for something to distract himself. He needed a new place to look. Or maybe fresh eyes with an unbiased perspective.

He thought of Morgana and then quickly backtracked, because who was more biased than her when it came to Uther?

Well, Arthur himself, actually, his traitorous mind offered.

But there was some value to the idea of involving her.

Arthur trusted her implicitly. She was the sister he had never had and he held her close to his heart. His respect for her wittiness and kindness was infinite.

Arthur sighed and fell on the back of his chair. This was going to be even more difficult than he had thought.

He tapped his fingers nervously on the fine wood of his desk as he pondered on whether to rush to her chambers before the sun finished sinking down to let the night come or tell her everything the next day. He should probably wait. He sank further in his seat.

When the door opened, it was fully dark outside and he hadn’t lit one candle.

“Arthur?” Merlin called out, confused, “Are you here?”.

“Where else would I be?” Arthur groaned, crossing his arms over his chest like a petulant child.

“Well, the room is a tad dark. Not many people would just… sit in the dark for hours” Merlin said with an amused snort, placing the dinner tray on the table.

“I was deep in thought. Not that I would expect you to understand” Arthur quipped back as Merlin lighted some candles by the door.

“Ha ha, very funny, sire”.

Arthur fought down the smile that he knew made him look like a lovesick fool and rose from behind the desk to walk over to him.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to bring you dinner. The knights insisted I stayed a little longer so that they could rough me up a little bit more” Merlin said with his hands on his hips, looking down at the plate as if he was trying to decipher a hidden code. He then lifted the silver domed cover and pushed it towards Arthur.

“Time to get something in your royal stomach” he said, weirdly cheerful like he was trying to overcompensate for something. Arthur narrowed his eyes at him, before looking carefully at the meat on the plate.

“It’s not rat again, is it?” Arthur said, lips twitching as Merlin sighed in exasperation.

“It happened _one_ time. _One_ ” he muttered under his breath, before starting to gather Arthur’s dirty laundry into a basket.

“I can never know for sure with you” Arthur said and Merlin threw a dirty tunic in his face.

Arthur laughed and threw it back at him.

“So I really enjoyed practice today” Merlin mused as he folded some towel rags that didn’t look used but that for some weird reason were draped over Arthur’s favourite armchair.

“Did they hit you in the head a little too hard?” he asked, poking his cheek. Merlin rolled his eyes and swatted his hand away.

“Eat before it grows cold” he said and anyone else would have received a very stern glare at this specific commanding voice, but Arthur just bent his head to hide his smile and sat down.

It was getting harder to not act like an idiot in front of Merlin but Arthur knew that smothering down his feelings was a losing battle, so he just moved around them carefully, toeing the line between resigned acknowledgement and an active fight.

Arthur grabbed his fork and stabbed the meat repeatedly instead of eating it.

“It’s already dead” Merlin commented drily, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

Arthur sighed and cut a small piece before shoving it into his mouth.

“What were you saying about practice?” he asked, absentmindedly, as he was chewing.

“Sir Leon is very dedicated and, unlike his predecessor, he actually says please and thank you” Merlin said, bending to pick more dirty laundry from the floor.

Arthur waited for him to turn back around before he glared at him.

“And I bet Sir Leon would never throw his clothes all over the floor when there is a basket designated to the specific purpose of containing dirty clothes” Merlin continued, waving an accusing finger at him.

Arthur reigned in the urge to stick his tongue out at him. He was the king, for heaven’s sake.

“I also bet that Sir Leon wouldn’t kick his annoying servant in the arse” he added threateningly.

“Exactly, because he is a gentleman” Merlin agreed effortlessly and Arthur threw a pea in his face.

“Also he’s not childish and he doesn’t play with his food for half an hour before eatin-” Merlin tried to say, but Arthur springed to his feet and got Merlin in a headlock before he could finish. The basket fell on the floor, spilling dirty clothes back where they had come from.

“What were you saying, Merlin?” he taunted as he rubbed his knuckles against Merlin’s scalp. Merlin flailed in his grip, laughing and crying out to let him go.

When he deemed he had suffered enough, Arthur released him. Merlin righted himself up, turning all red up to the tip of his ears and Arthur refused to find it endearing -but it was.

“Had enough?”.

“I think that’s a trick question” Merlin answered, trying to fix his jacket and tunic which got all askew, showing off a large portion of his collarbone. Arthur tried not to stare.

Instead, he grinned devilishly as Merlin held his hands up and started to back away.

“Just eat your food, Arthur” Merlin said, voice pitching an octave higher.

“And miss out on tormenting you some more? I don’t think so” Arthur said with a mean laugh.

“Come on, Arthur, think about what the court would say if they saw their king behaving like this” Merlin said before he darted away from Arthur’s grabbing range.

“The court isn’t here, is it?” he shouted as he jumped over the pile of dirty clothes before he started chasing him around the room.

He finally caught up to the fast bastard just by the side of his bed, but their feet got tangled in the sheets that Arthur had thrown on the floor after waking up that morning and they fell disastrously on the floor, Arthur landing on top. The impact with Merlin’s bony elbows made him see white for a second, as he groaned in pain.

Then he realised that his whole weight was resting on top of a heavy breathing Merlin. He looked at him with wide eyes and he tried to gather himself up, hands at both sides of Merlin’s face. The air between them snapped into something tense, the playfulness from before vanishing so fast it made Arthur's head spin.

“Uhm” he said, eloquently, as he stared at Merlin’s open mouth. 

It would have been so damn easy. So very very easy. And may the Gods strike him for it, but he _wanted_.

Merlin seemed to study him intently for a second before he reached out to grab his bicep and squeeze.

“I- I-” Arthur said, voice strangled, only to get derailed by Merlin’s tongue darting out to wet his lips. Arthur’s eyes widened as he stared and Merlin blushed intensely. Arthur had no doubts he was in a very similar predicament as he felt warmth spreading on his face.

“I- I should-” Arthur said even though he had no idea what he was going to say.

“Arthur” Merlin mumbled, looking already destroyed, and again his mind told Arthur that it would be just so _easy_. All he had to do was lean down and take what he wanted, because he knew Merlin would have let him. Merlin would have given him his own head on a silver platter if Arthur even hinted at wanting it. And this was what cleared Arthur’s mind as he shot up on his feet and said: “Right. Dinner”.

He hurried to the table, willing his mind to forget how warm and firm Merlin had felt against him, how ready he had looked as if he had known the whole extent of Arthur’s desire. This was a dangerous road Arthur wasn’t going to tread on, because he promised it to himself a month ago, when Merlin had fallen under the stress of making sure Arthur had anything he could possible need.

Arthur wasn’t going to take this too, even though he desperately wished for nothing else. He was going to be selfish in everything but this.

He ate his dinner in silence, head bent over his plate as he avoided looking at anything that wasn’t his hand clenched around the fork, listening carefully to Merlin moving around the room.

This was madness. How could he feel so strongly for someone like Merlin? He was everything Arthur shouldn’t have wanted. So thin and angular, clearly male in his lack of curves, with those high cheekbones that looked too sharp and those damn ears. To top all of that, he was a cheeky servant that thought Arthur could be ordered around. There was an unending list of reasons why Arthur shouldn’t want him.

His arm still tingled where Merlin had touched him.

When Merlin talked again, shaking him out of his thoughts, it was to bring up a completely different issue.

“Arthur” he called from beside Arthur’s desk and with a jolt the king remembered how he left all of his research out in the open. He shot up on his feet, breath coming in faster as he looked at Merlin holding up a very incriminating letter.

“What does this mean?” Merlin asked.

“I thought you could read” Arthur said, crossing his arms over chest defensively.

Merlin shook his head in disbelief.

“You’re still looking for her” he said like he couldn’t wrap his head around it, “I thought you dropped this after Sir Leon couldn’t come up with anything after he spent two weeks on that scouting mission. You promised me you’d stop pursuing her”.

“What did you expect me to do?” Arthur snapped, “She murdered my father. She has to pay for her crimes”.

“This is dangerous!” Merlin argued, voice raising with the strength of his incredulity, “She is immensely powerful and... and dangerous”.

“I am too” Arthur retorted, banging one fist on the table. Merlin scoffed and that made Arthur wince, hurt burning in his chest at the dismissal.

“Do you think Nimueh would just surrender? She would kill you too” Merlin said, voice trembling with what Arthur reckoned was anger. This ignited in him anger in return.

“Why did you think you could read my personal missives?” he snapped, crossing in the room with large steps to take the letter out of his hand.

“Arthur” Merlin said and it sounded like nothing Arthur had ever heard coming out of his mouth. It felt downright dangerous, almost scary.

“No” Arthur said, pointing a finger at him in warning, “No more words from you”.

“You cannot spend the rest of your life consumed by revenge. You will only become like her” Merlin said and this was why Arthur didn’t want Merlin to discover his research. The look of barely conceited disappointment in his eyes felt like a thousand stones had deposited themselves on Arthur’s chest. He hated how reasonable Merlin sounded.

Arthur clenched his jaw while crumpling the letter in his fist.

“She knew my father. She knew his secrets” he said, venom dripping from his voice, “While I still know nothing. I cannot let my father’s murderer free to uncover his secrets to Camelot’s enemies so that they can use them against me”.

Merlin’s anger and disappointment seemed to dissolve as something worse took their place. He looked at Arthur with pity.

“Arthur, please-” he started but Arthur was at his limit.

“Out” he ordered firmly, avoiding his eyes. When Merlin didn’t move, Arthur grunted in anger. “I said out” he barked and that seemed to finally convince Merlin.

When the door had been slammed behind him, Arthur grabbed the border of the desk so hard his knuckles turned white. He tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down but when that didn’t work, he shoved everything off his desk and started tearing paper apart.

  
***  
  


Merlin’s fight with Arthur the previous night had left him exhausted, but he didn’t let this stop him. He prepared himself for the day and fetched Arthur’s breakfast, already planning what to say.

When he arrived in the king’s chambers, he opened the door as silently as he could before he softly placed the tray on the table and walked over to Arthur’s bed. The king was still asleep, so Merlin sat carefully on the brink of the bed and reached out to squeeze his shoulder and shake him awake gently. Arthur startled into consciousness and sat up so fast that he clutched his head as if he had gotten dizzy. Merlin almost felt guilty, but he had to talk before Arthur regained all of his senses.

“I wanted to apologise for last night” he said in a low voice, “I was out of line but you have to understand where I was coming from… You said that you were over it. That you were ready to move on and stop looking for her. And there must have been a reason if you didn't want me to know… You were aware it was wrong but you couldn’t stop yourself from trying”.

“Merlin” Arthur slurred out, looking bewildered. Merlin grabbed his face in his hands, moved by instinct. Arthur stared at him in shock.

“If you want to find her, we will” Merlin said, a pit of sorrow opening in his chest, “I will stand by you and will even help you look. But you have to promise me that you won’t let this consume you. That- that you won’t let revenge and hatred define you, like it defined Nimueh. And this time you make good on your promise. Please”.

Arthur placed his hands on top of Merlin’s, not to move them away, but to simply hold them there.

“This is an ambush” Arthur groaned, closing his eyes. Merlin looked intently at the way his eyelashes brushed against his cheeks.

“Sorry” he offered when he didn’t know what else to say.

Arthur’s eyes fluttered open and his hands fell back between the sheets.

“Come on, the kingdom will not reign itself” he mumbled as he slid away from Merlin’s hands and climbed off the bed.

Merlin didn’t let this deter him and grabbed him by the arm.

“You haven’t promised” he insisted and Arthur’s face crumpled in defeat.

“I promise” the king whispered and Merlin nodded, momentarily satisfied.

He tried to let this be enough for the rest of his day.

  
***  
  


Arthur had been cornered once again. Merlin’s hands cradling his face had made his heart beat so loudly that for a second he couldn’t hear anything over its roaring. He had been left feeling vulnerable and tender and he didn’t like it.

He didn’t like it at all.

The consequence to this manifested as Arthur standing in front of Morgana’s chambers seeking for advice.

He knocked on the door lightly before he could second guess himself.

“Come in” Morgana’s soft voice called and Arthur let himself inside.

She was sitting at her desk reading a book before she turned her eyes on him. There were hints of tiredness all over her face, along with a tension that made her shoulders look ready to snap in half at a moment’s notice.

“Arthur” she said, looking pleasantly surprised despite her clear state of stress, “To what do I owe the pleasure of having the king in my chambers?”.

Arthur shuffled awkwardly on his feet under Morgana’s intense scrutiny. She had him already figured out, he knew it. He cleared his throat awkwardly and steeled himself.

“I need your help with several… issues I’ve incurred” he said, linking his hands behind his back.

“My ears are all yours” Morgana said with a tentative grin, pushing a long string of bright green silk between the pages of her book before closing it and raising from her chair.

“Take a seat” she said, waving her hand at the table and they sat across from each other. From this up close, he could perfectly see the dark circles under her eyes.

Arthur weighed the possibility of slowly working his way to his request but he was tired and the last drop of the already thin patience he owned had been sucked away by Merlin’s insistent meddling.

“I need your help discovering something Uther kept from me” he said bluntly, putting his palms flat against the table between them.

Morgana’s eyebrows arched high on her forehead and a laugh escaped from her lips.

“Why do you think you need my help?” she asked, cryptic smile playing on her features.

“You knew Uther well. But most of all, you understood him better than anyone else. Even me” Arthur admitted through clenched teeth, as his leg bounced under the table.

“I don’t take pride in that” she said, looking suddenly morose, “He wasn’t a good man”.

Arthur winced but nodded sharply in acknowledgement.

“I know you two had your differences. And he wasn’t the… the easiest man to deal with. But he had the weight of the whole kingdom on him and he had to take some difficult choices for his people's sake. That doesn't make him bad” Arthur said, holding his hands up as Morgana smacked her lips in annoyance.

“I don’t care that he was your father and that you love him. Stop making excuses for him” she said sharply. Arthur sighed. This was a dance he knew well. They had been having this same fight for years.

“I don’t want to fight you, Morgana. That’s exactly the opposite of why I’m here” he said, dropping his defense of his father just this once.

“Where have you looked?” she said, crossing her arms over her chest with a glare.

Arthur didn’t let her faze him as he started to explain his research.

“I had his chambers searched for papers, documents, anything, but it was useless. I sent letters to all of his oldest allies but they said they couldn’t help me and so I read basically all of the records in our archives to no avail. I even read half of the books in the library and I swear I can still feel Geoffrey breathing down my neck to check I didn’t ruin his precious manuscripts”.

Morgana nodded, seemingly deep in thought.

“I think that leads to another question…” she said, leaning in and staring deeply into his eyes as if she was looking for something, “What is it that you’re looking for?”.

Arthur started fidgeting with the hem of his red jacket and he started wondering whether he picked this nervous habit from Merlin, so he yanked his hands away to place them on the table, clasped in a merciless grip.

“The woman who killed him…” he started, studying the veins in the wood of the table as if they were the most interesting thing in the whole wide kingdom, before backtracking, “Morgana, I haven’t told this to anyone. Only… only Merlin and Gaius know”.

Morgana reached out to place her hands on top of his and her soft grasp gave Arthur the strength to push the words out. With her support, he felt he could do anything.

“The sorceress knew Uther and before she knocked me out she said something about him keeping secrets from me. And my father… the look on his face… it told me that she knew something about him that he hated himself for. I could see it in his eyes. Otherwise… Otherwise he would have told me”.

Morgana nodded again and then tapped her bottom lip as she reflected for a second.

“What are you expecting to find?” she asked, always gunning for the end results.

“I- I think... There was this record. There was something on it about a Court Magician during Uther’s first years as king. A woman who… who helped the kingdom with her magic” Arthur explained nervously and pushed the guilt down. He knew Uther wouldn’t have wanted him digging and he would have called this treachery or something equally dramatic, but he couldn’t stop. He had to see this through.

Morgana waited patiently for him to finish.

“The record was teared from a certain point on and it’s incredibly ruined but I- I think that Nimueh was the Court Magician. I think she betrayed him and that was the reason Uther hated magic” Arthur confessed, voice breathless as nerves pushed him for the last bit, “The problem is that she looks so young and I don’t know, maybe she just… uses her powers to make herself look youthful. But I think it was her. It _must_ have been her”.

“You’re saying she did something that put the Great Purge into motion…” Morgana summed up, eyes wide.

“Yes” Arthur confirmed, clenching and unclenching his fists repeatedly in his lap.

“Arthur, this is huge” she said, several emotions at war on her face.

“I know” he said, pushing himself forward to rest his elbows on the table. He hid his face in his hands.

“I’m still looking for her everywhere” he groaned, voice muffled by his palms, “Even though I announced to everyone that I had stopped, even though I promised Mer- the court. I promised them I stopped but I can’t. I think she’s the only one who will tell me the truth”.

Morgana narrowed her eyes at him, calculatingly.

“Who _will_ tell you the truth” she repeated slowly, pondering over his words, “Not who ‘ _can_ ’ tell you the truth but who _will_... Is there anyone else involved?”.

Arthur had always known that Morgana was too smart for her own good and he cursed himself for dropping his guard. This was his last resort and he didn’t have other alternatives, he reminded himself. He grimaced and started scratching his nape, as uncomfortable as he could ever be.

“Yes. Gaius” he answered after some internal debating, “I’m sure he knows something but if he were willing to tell me anything then he would have already done so”.

“I can change that” Morgana said with no hesitation, “It will be tricky and it will take time but... Leave him to me”.

Arthur bit the inside of his cheek, evaluating her offer, but it didn’t take long for him to capitulate, nodding sourly. He had asked for her help and this was how she was going to do it. He didn’t really have much of a choice, since he was only here because he didn’t want to face Gaius himself.

Morgana rose from her seat, seemingly assuming that they had reached the end of their conversation but something in Arthur’s face made her stop mid-thought and she sat back down.

“There’s something else troubling you” she guessed and Arthur started biting the inside of his cheek again as he felt himself turn pink.

“Yes” he confirmed with a stiff and apologetic smile.

“And it is more… _intimate_ in nature” she tested carefully, eyeing his new and rosier complexion.

Arthur was suddenly so struck by the absurdity of the situation that a sound horrifyingly close to a giggle escaped his mouth and Morgana’s bewildered look made it definitely worse. He guffawed a very awkward laugh and rubbed his eyes wearily.

“I’m afraid so” he said.

“Being king is having a weird effect on you” she mused, one corner of her mouth lifted in half a smirk.

“I am exhausted all the time. I think I am constantly on the verge of falling completely apart” he admitted and he was surprised by how easy this was. A couple of months ago he wouldn’t have admitted to being anything other than top notch form but now his frayed nerves and his suffocating grief had shifted his priorities. He didn't care if Morgana didn’t see him as strong and unfazeable anymore -also because he doubted she ever had in the first place.

Morgana furrowed her eyebrows and seemed almost concerned by this change in him, but she took it in stride and angled herself towards him as if to say ‘ _I’m listening_ ’.

Arthur took a deep breath that revealed itself to be completely useless, because he still felt like there was a hot rod in his throat blocking his words. He sagged against the chair, tapping his fingers against the palm of his other hand. He didn’t know how to say it without showing all of his cards and this was a matter too close to his heart for him to show it willingly to someone else. Nevertheless, he recognised he needed advice, since he didn’t know where to even begin to unravel his issues.

“How do you stop having feelings for someone you can’t have feelings for?” Arthur blurted out in a rush to expel this thought from himself, and his voice trembled over the last words.

Morgana blinked at him a couple of times in rapid succession and Arthur had finally done what he had tried to do for ages: he had left her speechless. No wise remarks, no cleverly veiled insults, not even one word.

She gave him a strange self-deprecating laugh.

“Believe me, Arthur, if I had the answer to that question my life would be a lot easier” Morgana said, nervously fixing her braided hair over her shoulder.

Arthur bristled.

“What do you mean?” he asked while searching in his memories if Morgana had ever expressed any kind of interest for anyone. She was friendly but distant to knights and she didn’t really know many other men. No matter how long and hard he thought about it, he had no chance of figuring it out.

Morgana sighed wistfully and turned to look at a vase of flowers over her on her vanity table, eyes turning soft.

“Nothing to concern yourself about, Arthur” she dismissed with a small smile that disappeared way too quickly, and Arthur was glad it did, because it was the kind of smile that was meant to be seen only by a lover, “I can only tell you that controlling your feelings is not a feasible quest… You cannot just will them away. They will always be a part of you until they’re not, I guess”.

“Very comforting” he said and there he was biting the inside of his cheek again. He was developing way too many nervous ticks for his liking.

“It’s up to your heart, not you” she added and something smoothed the lines of exhaustion around her eyes and she suddenly looked very young and happy, but it lasted briefly, “If it’s something truly important, you should probably act on it regardless. It might even be good for you. You could… you could find something that you have always longed for. If it’s not important after all, then the feelings will just fade away”.

Arthur hummed, studying her face closely as he burned with curiosity, but he knew that asking would have been fruitless.

“Not the advice I was looking for but thank you for taking your time to listen to me” Arthur said and tried to ignore how his heart had leaped when she had suggested to act on his feelings. That was too dangerous to dwell on.

“My pleasure” she said, before her eyes brightened dangerously, “Now, who is the very lucky and undoubtedly impressive individual the King is harboring forbidden affections for?”.

Arthur glared at her, particularly offended by the merriment with which she engaged in ribbing him. It made her eerily similar to someone he didn’t want to be thinking about.

“Come on, you can tell me” she said in a teasing tone and Arthur decided that it was definitely time for him to leave her alone with her books.

“I have to take care of the schedule for the morning patrols, now, if you’ll excuse me” he said, standing up, and Morgana laughed loudly.

“You won’t be able to escape that question forever, _your Majesty_ ” she said, fond even in the face of his disgruntlement.

“I hope you will join me for dinner tonight” he said to distracted her as he tucked the chair under the table.

“Of course” Morgana said, rising on her feet to accompany him to the door. With a last smile, she closed the door behind him and he was in the hall, once again alone with thoughts of dark hair, blue eyes and stupid ears.

  
***  
  


Merlin had been called to the dining hall to serve dinner with Gwen that night. He still didn’t have an answer for her request and being in a room alone with Arthur, Gwen and Morgana seemed like the last straw before he completely lost his mind. His strange tension with Arthur, the knowledge that Gwen had uncovered his most guarded secret and his struggle with whether or not he should help Morgana was the perfect recipe for a stressful night.

At the end of it, though, he reasoned it could have been a lot worse. Gwen had been discreet with the glances she sent his way but he was all too aware of them, while Arthur was clearly doing his darndest best not to look at him even by mistake, emptying glass after glass of wine.

Morgana instead had been cheerful despite the weariness that many sleepless nights had carved on her features. She was pushing through with admirable determination.

It was after Arthur had left to accompany Morgana to her chambers that Merlin found the room to be awfully small and suffocating, because Gwen was clearly tethering on the line between questioning him or not. She had been waiting for almost two days for any sign of his decision.

Merlin swallowed as he kept scrubbing away the stains of the wine Arthur had dropped all over the table when Morgana started telling him about a romance she had been reading -it involved a king with a forbidden love or something along those lines, but Merlin had been barely paying attention.

“Merlin” he heard softly behind him and his shoulders slumped in defeat.

“I haven’t decided yet” he informs Gwen, shooting a look at her over his shoulder before bending to scrub at the stain with even more vigour.

“I gathered that” she said while wringing a cloth in her hands, “I just wanted to say that she had a good day today and- and a quiet night”.

He nodded in acknowledgement and no more words came from Gwen.

Nonetheless, the tension didn’t dissipate between them as they finished cleaning up. They shared a short and polite goodbye with the guards on their way out and let them lock the doors. They started climbing the stairs together.

Merlin felt the need to fill the silence but he couldn’t bring himself to make small talk. It seemed in poor taste. He dwindled a little bit more, before reaching the floor where he and Gwen had to separate to get to their respective masters.

“Gwen” he called nervously. She looked at him expectantly and he checked that there was no one around who could overhear.

“I- I don’t know if I can help her but maybe… maybe I know someone who can” he begun, worrying the hem of his jacket until he felt a loose thread snap between his fingers.

Gwen waited for him to continue, patient as ever.

“The druids” he whispered, bending close and Gwen looked confused.

“How could strangers help her?” she argued, firm but not unkind, “Merlin, she needs someone she can trust”.

“Druids are peaceful people” Merlin added with a shrug but that only seemed to make Gwen as close to angry as she could get -and it made him wish he never had to see her actually angry.

“But she doesn’t _know_ them. Why would she confide in people she doesn’t know? She needs a friend to guide her” she said firmly, “Stop saying that it would put you in further danger and ask yourself the real reason why you don’t want to help her”.

Merlin stumbled back, surprised.

“What do you mean?” he stammered.

“You’re _scared_ ” she said, as her eyes turned gentle, “And I understand you. You’re scared to open yourself up to someone else and say the truth and I don’t blame you. It’s a heavy truth to carry around”.

Merlin turned his head to look outside a high window, staring at the darkness enveloping the citadel. He thought of the Dragon’s warnings against Morgana and wondered if he should tell Gwen. He shook the thought out of his own head. There was some truth to what Gwen had said after all. He was indeed scared about the prospect of showing himself fully to someone else. And he had ignored the Dragon’s words plenty of times before anyway.

“I- Maybe” he said, voice higher than he intended as he scuffed his shoe on the paved floor.

“She is a good person and she deserves a friend by her side telling her that she is not imagining things… that she is not alone” Gwen said, still firm despite her clear sadness.

“I know” he sighed. She placed a hand on his arm and smiled tentatively.

“I understand how difficult this must be, so take your time” she said, “I shall go tend to my lady, now, if you’ll excuse me”.

Merlin nodded and pointed behind himself.

“I have a king to help get out of his trousers because he still hasn’t learned how” he joked with a shrug and Gwen giggled before waving at him one last time.

He waited in Arthur’s strangely empty chambers for half a hour before the king graced him with his presence. He helped him out of his clothes silently, trying to ignore how the copious amounts of wine had made Arthur pliable and clumsy. Merlin guided him to sit on the mattress as he placed Arthur’s set of keys in a drawer in the dresser beside his bed. As he turned to leave, he felt Arthur standing up suddenly and then a set of strong and very naked arms were being thrown around Merlin’s waist from behind.

“I’m sorry” Arthur slurred, hiding his face against his nape and Merlin had to grab the dresser for dear life because he felt himself go weak in the knees. He could feel Arthur’s breath against his skin and his eyes fluttered closed of their own volition.

Arthur stepped closer, plastering his naked chest over Merlin’s back and hugging him tighter.

“Why are you sorry?” Merlin asked through the haze of shock that was clouding his mind.

Arthur whined against him and the vibrations of it traveled from the skin of his neck down to his legs and Merlin felt himself go crazy with it.

“I don’t want to talk about it” Arthur mumbled, lips brushing against Merlin’s skin as he talked.

“Okay” Merlin stammered and almost jumped when he felt Arthur’s hands snaking under his tunic to press firmly against his lower abdomen. Merlin’s heart hiccuped a couple of times before starting to beat dangerously fast.

“I’m drunk” Arthur said, surprised as if he hadn’t really noticed until now.

Merlin gave him a nervous laugh.

“I know” he said, gripping the dresser so tight that his hand started cramping.

Arthur hummed as he pressed his forehead against Merlin’s shoulder.

“I don’t want you to be disappointed in me” he confessed, sounding like a small child confronting their mother after breaking something.

Merlin opened his eyes again to stare into the dark room in front of him.

“You could never disappoint me” he assured, before reaching with his free hand to grab Arthur’s wrist under his tunic and give it a comforting squeeze.

“I already have” Arthur argued in a low voice, turning his hand in Merlin’s and intertwining their fingers.

Merlin swallowed roughly even though his mouth felt exceedingly dry and he let himself slowly melt into Arthur’s arms.

He shook his head and said: “That’s not true”.

They stood in silence for another couple of beats and Merlin truly didn’t know how to navigate this situation. He was in completely uncharted territory. However, when Arthur pressed a kiss against his neck, he jumped out of Arthur’s grip. He felt his heart clench at the way Arthur’s hands tried to chase him instinctively.

“You need to go to sleep” he said, voice trembling as he pushed on Arthur’s shoulders to guide him back on his mattress.

Arthur sat on the edge of his bed willingly, a weird glint in his eyes, and Merlin realised his mistake one second too late. As he belatedly attempted to move out of his reach, Arthur grabbed Merlin by the hips quickly, intent clear as he widened his thighs to give Merlin space to stand between them. Arthur seemed stronger than him even in his inebriated state as he snaked an arm around Merlin’s waist and held him there.

“I know what I need” Arthur argued in a dark voice that sent shivers down Merlin’s spine. Arthur’s strong arms dragged him even closer, while he pushed his forehead to rest against Merlin’s hip.

Taken over by an instinct he found he couldn’t shy away from, Merlin raked his hands through Arthur’s blond hair, tugging a little on the shorter strands at the nape of his neck. Arthur hummed in satisfaction, pressing a series of kisses wherever his mouth could reach.

Melin’s breath hitched as shame curled in his guts, battling the spread of arousal that had been about to overtake him, and he was beyond horrified at himself for allowing any of this to happen. He shook himself out of his haze and regained his efforts to try and push Arthur away.

Mind dangerously blanking as Arthur trailed his fingers against the warm skin of his hipbone, clearly directed southward, Merlin whimpered and inefficiently tried to swat his hands away.

“It’s late and you’re drunk, go to sleep” he begged, pushing him with renewed strength and Arthur finally relented.

He fell back on the mattress with a whine, clearly unhappy with the results, before rolling over and hugging his pillow.

“Coward” Arthur slurred under his breath and Merlin had the distinct feeling that it was somehow directed at Arthur himself.

Merlin fleed the chambers quickly, throwing a strangled ‘ _goodnight_ ’ behind his shoulder as he closed the door behind him. He then basically ran to his chambers.

He was so shaken up that he didn’t notice Gaius in the corner, reading by the light of a candle, as Merlin sagged against the door and hid his face in his hands, groaning in distress.

“Merlin?” Gaius’s voice said, concerned, making Merlin jump out of his skin.

“Oh, Gaius” he said, blinking rapidly as he realised he forgot he didn’t actually live alone so he couldn't just have a breakdown anywhere he pleased.

“Did something happen?” Gaius asked, placing his book on the table and rushing to his side, “Does someone know?”.

Merlin shook his head and then he amended with a strained laugh: “Well, technically Gwen knows now”. Gaius clutched his chest in shock.

This night had been so surreal that Merlin wanted to sleep for centuries.

“How? Were you not careful?” Gaius asked.

Merlin patted him on the shoulder, hysterical laughter bubbling up until he couldn’t keep it in anymore. He laughed and laughed until he was wheezing.

Gaius’s infamous left eyebrow shoot up into his hairline as he looked at him as if he had gone crazy. The laughter must have been loud, because Will’s head appeared as he opened the door to Merlin’s room.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

Merlin laughed even harder, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

“I’m going back to bed” Will mumbled as he shook his head in exasperation.

  
***  
  


Arthur woke up the next morning with drool on his pillow and shame in his guts. His head pounded painfully and he felt like he deserved it. The rejection still burned fiercely into his mind, turning every hope he had into ashes. He had followed Morgana’s advice, even though he admitted he didn’t do it in the best way, but nonetheless he had showed his interest and he had been shoved away. It had gone the opposite way he had expected, but he couldn’t blame Merlin for not holding up to Arthur’s image of him. He was glad Merlin had prioritised his own feelings rather than Arthur’s just this once, but selfishly he wished he could have had him at least _once_. Just to know what it was like to be with someone he actually loved.

Arthur banged his head against his pillow, feeling tears swelling in his eyes and barely registering the pain in his head intensifying. He was so _pathetic_.

He had been right in his assessment the night before: he truly was a coward. If he hadn’t been one, he wouldn’t have needed to be drunk on wine to try to get Merlin in his bed. But after all, he doubted that the results would have been different, had he been sober.

He tried not to, but he wondered what made Merlin change attitude. He had looked so ready to accept his kisses just two days earlier when their roughhousing had led them to lie on top of each other and now that Arthur had gone and finally reached, Merlin had rejected him and run away.

For two months Arthur had been testing the kind of touches he could get away with and Merlin hadn’t shied away from any of them, on the contrary he had welcomed them, he had touched in return. Reeling from all these mixed signals, Arthur didn’t know what he was supposed to think.

The more he tried to find a reason the more a specific suspicion proliferated in the back of his mind. When his door opened to show Merlin with the breakfast tray, Arthur wiped the tears of frustration from his eyes and kicked the sheets off.

“Good morning” he said, voice still gruff from sleep.

Merlin hummed in answer, turning his back on him while he tidied up, like this was any normal morning.

Arthur ignored his own disappointment at the lack of any real reaction and he dragged himself over to his breakfast. He stabbed the sausage on his plate with almost too much strength.

He was acutely aware of the sound of Merlin moving behind him and he unconsciously started bouncing his leg.

He tried not to let his own thoughts drown him but before he realised it he was overwhelmed by the memory of Merlin’s hands on his shoulders while he was pushing him away. He let the fork fall with a clatter on the plate and winced at the loud sound. He dropped his head in his hands and willed his migraine away.

“Arthur, are you okay?” Merlin asked behind him, startling him out of his self-commiseration.

“I’m nauseous, I don’t think I will have breakfast today” Arthur said, standing up and wishing he had more clothes on.

He went over to his dresser and fished out a light blue tunic, pushing it over his head as fast as he could.

“Could you ask Gaius to prepare something for me? My head is killing me” Arthur said, looking at a random point over Merlin’s shoulder.

“Of course” Merlin answered and the Gods must had finally taken pity on Arthur because he immediately left to fetch what Arthur had asked.

He sank back on his bed, a hollow pain in his chest expanding and swallowing up his heart. He got a total of fifteen minutes of respite before Merlin came back with a vial of green liquid.

Arthur eyed it carefully.

“This is going to be disgusting, is it?” he mused, shaking the vial to see if there was something noticeably gross in it.

Merlin shrugged, clearly trying to hide how uncomfortable he was still feeling, and Arthur sighed before downing the vial’s content in one go. It tasted like a weird blend of rotten eggs and mint.

He handed the vial back to Merlin and their fingers brushed in the exchange, electrifying Arthur’s nerve endings and making him tingle all over.

He was clearly still affected when he decided to blurt out: “I behaved appallingly last night and I sincerely hope that you will find it in yourself to forgive me”.

Merlin started to worry the hem of his jacket and Arthur had to look away before he did something stupid like reaching to hold his fingers still.

“It’s fine” Merlin said, infuriatingly dismissive of the whole thing and Arthur felt the sting of it in the way his heart clenched. He felt his defenses go up and, as was universally known, his preferred strategy of defense had always been attack.

“It won’t happen again, you have my word. You can tell _Will_ that he has nothing to worry about now” he said, pettiness making him sound even meaner than he had intended.

Merlin dropped the vial as he was placing it in his pocket and it shattered at his feet, loud but ultimately ignored as Merlin looked at Arthur with surprise and the king felt strangely vindicated. His suspicions has at last been confirmed.

“You know he’s still here?” Merlin asked, voice wavering.

Arthur laughed bitterly and got up from the bed to stand in front of his window.

“How could I not know? He has been living under my same roof for over a month” he answered, tone still mean, waving his hand around wildly.

“But... but-” Merlin stammered.

“But what?” Arthur snapped, before mocking him in a high pitched voice, “ _But you haven’t killed him yet, Arthur?_ ”.

Merlin inhaled sharply and Arthur turned at the sound, leaning against the windowsill. If the guilty look in Merlin’s eyes was giving him the right idea, he had hit the nail right on the head and that made him furious.

“Do you think I would just execute someone for no reason?” Arthur asked, and in an effort to redirect some of his anger he grabbed the marble windowsill hard enough that his fingers hurt, “Has he used his magic to harm someone lately? Or maybe he used it to save someone else’s life again?”.

He turned once again towards Merlin, unable to keep his eyes off him for too long -and wasn’t that proof enough that love was an indulgence in masochism.

Merlin just stood there, looking too shocked to say anything. He took a step forward and the noise of glass crunching under his shoe made him gaze down for a second before his head snapped back up.

“I’m sorry” Merlin said, a weird energy crowding him, as if he was fighting his body into staying still. Arthur noticed his hands were shaking.

“I’m not my father.” Arthur said with a biting tone and an ugly part of him cheered when Merlin recoiled.

“I never thought you were” Merlin replied, shaking his head like his whole body was rejecting the notion.

“Then stop acting like I would sentence someone to death for nothing” Arthur continued, almost rejoicing in the way his words clearly made Merlin upset, “And stop… Stop hiding things from me, I hate that. And I don’t even care he’s still here”.

That last sentence was a lie, but this was going to stay between him and his conscience.

“You can even find him a proper job in the castle. Or wherever he wants” Arthur said, even though his mind was protesting firmly against the whole concept, “I really don’t care”.

Arthur knew he sounded way too hostile than he should have been and the reasons must have been pretty obvious.

He felt so transparent in his jealousy that he wanted to hide it all away.

It was time for him to move on from this. He had been wasting his energies on these feelings for long enough, even while knowing nothing good would have come from it. Being reciprocated had been a nice fantasy but indulging in it was bound to be merely destructive.

Merlin was nothing more than his friend and he had to accept that.

Arthur had to be fair to both of them and drop it. The childish jealousy, the longing, the stolen glances and the touching, it was all going to disappear. It had to.

He could make it disappear with a snap of his fingers.

He _could_.

As he looked at the fear in Merlin’s eyes and felt his fingers tingle with the desire to breach their distance and hold his hand, he realised maybe it wasn't going to be that easy.

Merlin just kept on standing on broken glass and staring, unaware of Arthur’s inner turmoil.

Arthur rubbed his jaw and exhaled sharply through his nose, shattering the still moment that was hovering between them. He was bent on going back to his pretence that everything was normal.

“Clean up and then go, practice will start shortly and I have a court meeting with the advisors over some new rumors from Mercia” he ordered, striding across the room to go wash his face in the small basin on the other side of his bed.

Merlin complied quietly and before they knew it, they were going about their days as if nothing had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeesh, right? tension is in the air... tune in next friday to see it (kinda) resolved. i appreciate every single one of you leaving kudos and if there's something you don't agree with on characterisation or on my grasp of english let me know in a comment!!


	6. Boiling point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Merlin has to reach a decision, stress catches up with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy friday and if you happen to watch that show too, happy lucifer day, also happy birthday to me even though it was three days ago idk thought i should mention it since one of my best friends forgot about it so i guess i should remind people every day if i don't want to be forgotten by everyone. okay sorry for that, no more offtopics... now... brace yourselves for this chapter, especially if your favourite character is morgana and you think that the way the show handled her was awful... you might like what i did... i know i like it. it was very VERY cathartic to write this one. also, there's like no arthur in this chapter. ops. enjoy <3

Saying that Merlin was under a huge amount of stress would have been oversimplifying it. He was well past that. He was the equivalent of a tomato left to dry in the sun. He was all pruned and shrunken and there was no more juice in him.

He was beyond exhausted. He existed on a whole different plane of exhaustion that surpassed all the others.

Gaius was furious with him, his magic was very close to not being a secret anymore, Arthur first acted like he wanted him but then went back to treating him like he was a work mule, Will was stealing all of his clothes, Gwen wanted him to do something that scared the hell out of him, there were thoughts of destiny still plaguing him from day to night and it was all _so much_.

He barely felt that sense of belonging anymore.

Merlin wondered if it would have been so bad if he just left.

How was he going to help Arthur become a great king if he didn’t even have the energy to do his laundry?

Maybe he should have just packed a bag and gone to visit Lancelot at that village he said he was staying in the last letter he wrote to him.

At the very least he needed a two days break.

He collapsed on his bed face first with a sigh, hair spiked up from all the times he had raked his hands through it in frustration throughout the day.

Clearly the universe did not want him to rest peacefully because after twenty whole seconds of laying down on his bed, Will decided to sit on him and jostle him repeatedly.

“What the hell, Will?” Merlin cried out, trying to push him off.

“I’m trying to get you to stop sulking,” Will said, pushing an elbow between Merlin’s shoulder blades and resting his chin on the palm of his hand. Merlin groaned.

“I’m not sulking” Merlin lied to no avail.

“I wonder why you look so sour... Lovers quarrel?” Will mused, tapping his chin.

Merlin blushed furiously and Will smirked in triumph.

“What did your King do to you? Did he insult your ears again?” Will asked, wiggling on top of him to get more comfortable.

“I hate you. Get off me” Merlin grumbled, squirming wildly to try to make him fall, but Will had perfected the art of sitting on him until he told the truth when they were nine years old and his technique hadn’t failed once in over a decade.

“I have a lot of reasons to be tired, Will. And you seriously need to stop stealing my clothes” Merlin said, sounding incredibly put upon.

“Is this about your friend Gwen?” Will asked, unsurprisingly blunt, “Are you afraid she will tell someone about you?”.

“ _No_ ” Merlin answered immediately, outraged on Gwen’s behalf, “She gave me her word that she will keep it to herself and her word actually means something. She makes good on her promises, unlike-”.

He stopped himself before he named Arthur, because even though he was frustrated at him and really needed to rant for a while, he wasn’t going to let Will know he was right.

“Unlike. You know. Everyone else” Merlin finished with what he hoped was a nonchalant shrug.

Will lifted an eyebrow at him and that was how Merlin knew he hadn’t sounded believable at all.

“Unlike your King, you mean” Will said, perceptive as ever.

“Among other people, yes” Merlin retorted, cagey, as he hid his face in his pillow.

Will flicked his ear and Merlin slapped his fingers with a glare.

“Speak to me before I do that again” Will ordered threateningly.

“I- It’s…” Merlin said before huffing out a frustrated gush of breath and with it something came loose inside him and a flood of words came pouring out alongside it, “I’m tired. It’s always ‘ _Merlin, do this_ ’ and ‘ _Merlin, do that_ ’ and when it’s not Arthur telling me what to do, it’s _Gaius_ who’s giving me chores or the _Dragon_ living under the castle that keeps burdening me with talks of my destiny and how I’m supposed to keep Arthur alive until he becomes the Once and Forever King who is one with magic or- or whatever that stupid lizard always says and- and I’m tired. Do you know how many times I have saved Arthur’s life? Honestly, I have lost count” he scoffed as he started to list on his fingers, “I have been poisoned, punched, thrown and bound against an ancient ruin of a temple of the Old Religion as a witch suffocated me, pelted with fruit and ridiculed since I have come here. I have fought griffins, bandits, witches. Has he ever thanked me? _Gods no_. The only things that he offers me are mixed signals. First he hates me, then he doesn’t, then he does again. First he acts like he thinks magic is evil, then he says he doesn’t care if someone with magic stays in Camelot and I know- _I know_ that I am no longer in the danger I was when Uther was alive but how am I supposed to know if I’m in no danger at all?”.

As he finished vomiting his repressed feelings all over Will, his head reeled back a little in surprise as his frown smoothed away from his face. He wasn’t expecting this outburst at all but he felt that even though this vocal abuse was probably uncalled for, he was better for it. At least he felt lighter.

He twisted to look at Will and almost laughed at the way Will’s eyes were bulging almost out of his skill.

“ _Dragon_?” Will repeated slowly as if that had been the only word he understood in Merlin’s long spiel.

“I- I haven’t told you about the dragon that lives under the castle yet?” Merlin said in a questioning tone, confused. He was sure he had mentioned it. After all, it was a very important part of his everyday life in Camelot.

“There is a _dragon_ living under the castle” Will said, voice drab and lifeless as if he had been shocked into nothingness.

“Yes” Merlin confirmed, unsure where this conversation was going.

“An _actual_ dragon... with- with the wings and the scales and-” Will asked, waving his hands as if he could draw it up in the air.

“You know what? Why don’t we move on from the dragon bit and go to sleep?” Merlin interrupted, patting Will on the chest gently.

Will sighed as if he was making him a favor by letting it go. He finally stood up and Merlin moaned in relief as his legs started to regain feeling.

Will flopped on his own cot under the window and kicked his boots off aggressively.

“I thought you had at least noticed Gaius hasn’t asked you to do chores since I’ve been living in the corner of your room. I was the only one mopping this floor this month. And I cleaned all of Gaius’s little vials at least a hundred times” he commented drily after a while and Merlin had to think about it really hard before he realised that Will was referencing something he said in his rant some minutes earlier.

“I- yes. I know” Merlin said, even though he didn’t really. He turned on his side to look at Will and wondered how many other things he hadn’t noticed. Gaius still made him do the delivering rounds but other than that, he hadn’t really helped around much. When Merlin turned his attention back to his friend, Will had changed topic once again.

“I’m aware I cannot really go around like it’s nothing but… I like Camelot, from what I’ve seen. I talked with some of the people in the lower part of town today since I know your king never goes there and they were all very welcoming. ” Will said, almost shyly, before adopting a mocking tone, “Though they kept saying how they _love_ the Young King… They act like the sun shines out of his arse”.

He looked a little caged as he moved in his small cot and it dawned on Merlin that he really hadn’t been a good friend to him lately. With a jolt, he sat up on the bed and tried to not feel too guilty as he said: “Will. He... He knows you’re still here”.

“Oh” Will said, looking alarmed as he glanced around the room like he expected to see Arthur barging in with guards in tow.

Merlin rubbed a hand over his eyes and tried to explain.

“He told me today and that’s part of the reason why I was so tense. He- he said I could find you a job here if you wanted. It means you can stay. No more hiding and sneaking around”.

“I would like that” Will said hesitatingly, staring at the wall.

“I’m glad” Merlin said in return, fingering a hole in the pocket of his jacket.

Will scratched his cheek distractedly and he sank on his cot with his back against the wall.

“A job would be nice” Will said, blinking up at the ceiling.

“What would you like to do?” Merlin asked, taking his jacket off and laying back down.

“I- I don’t know. I heard a blacksmith in the lower citadel needs an apprentice. Maybe- maybe I’ll try that” Will answered, sounding like he still couldn’t believe he had options. Merlin felt his heart clenching as guilt churned low in his stomach.

“Blacksmith? _You_?” Merlin teased weakly with half a smile and Will grunted.

“Beats being a servant. No offence” he said, with no malice behind his words and Merlin just shrugged.

“None taken”.

Will shuffled noisily on the bed.

“Am I doing the right thing by staying here?” he asked suddenly, studying his hands closely. A curtain of long brown hair fell over his face.

“I don’t know” Merlin answered sincerely and they shared a loaded glance.

“I know you have friends here and you don’t need me but-” Will began, looking conflicted and Merlin felt a breath rush out of him as he sat up almost violently on the bed.

“Don’t” he said, “You are my _best_ friend, Will. Yes, I have one other friend, incredibly, but that doesn’t mean I don't need you”.

Will laid down and stared at the ceiling silently.

“I love Gwen like a sister, but that doesn’t mean you’re not important” Merlin added, softly. Will nodded slowly, deep in thought.

“How is she handling the magic reveal?” he asked haltingly.

“Well, she hasn’t asked me to make her fly yet” Merlin said with a teasing smile and Will huffed a laugh, a memory from their childhood resurfacing in both their minds, “I think she took it really well”.

“I’m glad you have someone else you can talk to about this. I mean, it’s not like having someone like you beside you, but at least you have _someone_ ” Will said awkwardly as his fingers tapped on the thin mattress rhythmically.

Merlin flinched and tried to cover it up by falling on top of his sheets dramatically, but Will just frowned at him. Merlin kept forgetting that there was no one that knew him as Will did. He saw right through him every time.

“What?”.

“There might be someone else like me” Merlin confessed nervously as he started pulling on a thread on his tunic.

“ _What_?” Will repeated more emphatically. Merlin groaned into his hands.

“Lady Morgana has visions of the future. And- And Gwen told me she shattered a vase with magic” Merlin explained, jittery about the whole thing.

“Does she know about you?”.

“Obviously not! She’s not even sure about herself” Merlin said.

“That sounds awful. She must feel so confused” Will commented, strangely sad, and then added: “I remember when we were kids and you didn’t know what was going on with you. You were so _angry_ all the time”.

“I was twelve” Merlin said with a snort, “I would have been angry all the time regardless”.

Will chewed on his bottom lip, ignoring him for the better half of a minute.

“Are you going to help her?” he ended up asking and Merlin clenched his eyes shut.

“I don’t know” he mumbled.

“You should” Will immediately said in return, “You know better than anyone else what she must be feeling”.

Merlin rubbed his eyes, feeling them burn dangerously. He nodded wordlessly and then turned his back to Will.

“I’m not telling you what to do” Will said and Merlin felt something poking his back. He twisted his head to see Will's leg hanging in the space between their beds, foot tapping against Merlin’s back.

“Don’t ignore me” Will said.

“Okay” Merlin huffed, shoving his foot away.

“You’re so irritating” Will said.

“ _You’re_ irritating”.

This evolved into a light scuffle as they kicked at each other and threw insults at one another while refusing to get up from their beds.

“Boys!” Gaius shouted from the other side of the door, “Don’t make me come up there!”.

“Sorry, Gaius” Will shouted back, giving a last kick at Merlin’s thigh.

Merlin laughed, warmth spreading in his belly as Will laughed back.

“What are you going to do, then?” Will asked as they settled down.

“My best” Merlin answered with a cheeky smile.

“We are all doomed” Will sighed as he rolled on his side and pushed the covers over himself.

  
***  
  


Merlin woke up the next day with a crick in his neck and a dry throat. There were voices filtering through the cracks under the door and they sounded alarmed, though hushed. It was still mostly dark outside and he could hear Will snoring slightly.

Merlin creeped closer to the door as silently as he could and tried to make out what Gaius was saying.

“Lady Morgana, I assure you, these are just nightmares born out of your own fears and they impressed your tired mind into thinking absurd things are happening even while you’re awake”.

Merlin inhaled sharply and pressed his ear against the door, fingers spanning across the wood.

“I’m warning you, Gaius. It’s magic. I almost set my rooms aflame with an unlit candle tonight!”.

Merlin swallowed roughly, heart beating too fast, and pressed even closer to the door.

“These are your nerves talking, my Lady, you are simply overstressed. You just need a good night of sleep and stronger medicine-”.

“No. No more potions”.

Morgana sounded strained but also determined and Merlin had always pitied whoever tried to argue with her, so he sent a prayer that she didn’t chew Gaius out too aggressively. She was a force of nature that not even Gaius could contain.

“My lady, believe me to have your best interests in mind-”.

“This is magic. I will not have you deny it anymore. Gwen thinks I'm right and-”.

“What does _Gwen_ know about magic?”.

“Gaius, _enough_!”.

Merlin slid against the door, grimacing at himself as he felt the need to open it and tell Morgana exactly how right she was.

“I have endured this for far too long! You have deflected all my questions and ignored all my requests of help and there is a limit to what I can take before bursting at the seams! I have asked you about magic and the Great Purge countless times over the past week and all you have done was shake your head and claim that you knew nothing! And I can understand your loyalty towards those secrets that aren’t yours to tell, I don’t expect you to buckle under my questions after a handful of days but this is my own nature! The nature that has been kept from me my whole life and that I deserve to know. I _deserve_ honesty. I _need_ honesty. I just need to hear someone say it so I don't have to keep feeling like I'm imagining it, like I’m going insane” Morgana said, voice breaking over her own words and Merlin’s heart clenched as he realised she was crying.

Gaius wouldn’t want him to, but Morgana’s words had sparked something into burning inside of him that he couldn’t ignore any longer. He pushed the door open and descended the four steps that led into Gaius’s quarters.

“My lady” Merlin said as Gaius whipped around to look at him, his left eyebrow minaciously arched.

“Merlin, this is a private conversation between physician and patient” he started but Merlin surpassed him to grab Morgana’s hand. He felt Gaius’s silent outrage behind him but kept ignoring him.

“I will escort you back to your chambers, my lady” Merlin said, trying to put into his eyes enough intent for Morgana to understand. She frowned at him confusedly, but nodded.

“Merlin!” Gaius hissed behind them, shocked.

Merlin squeezed Morgana’s hand once before releasing it and turning to face him.

“I will be back after I’ve accompanied her” he informed him and then guided Morgana outside.

They walked in silence side by side through the lonely and dark hallways and Merlin tried to study her without being too obvious. She was extraordinarily pale and her hair was slightly frazzled. Merlin ached at the state of upset she was clearly in and a voice in him he didn’t know told him that this time it was going to be different. He had made up his mind. He wasn’t going to let her deal with all her pain alone and neither was he going to give this responsibility to someone like the druids. He was going to take the matter in his own hands.

They reached Morgana’s chambers quickly in the deserted castles, with the tentative light of the rising sun starting to filter in.

Morgana pushed the heavy wooden door open a sliver and then just stood there, her delicate hand curled in a fist against the stone doorframe.

“Merlin, do you know how to keep a secret?” Morgana asked, voice wavering so lightly that Merlin almost missed it.

He almost wanted to laugh at her question, more than a year of secrecy weighing on him, but all he felt was tension coursing through him as he leaned towards her eagerly. This was it. She was going to tell him everything about her magic.

“Of course, my lady” he whispered and she faltered, staring a hole through the door as if there was some monster waiting for them behind it.

“What you are about to see inside… You cannot tell anyone” Morgana murmured as her fingers widened over the stone as if to steady herself.

“You have my word” he promised, impatient to get to the point.

Morgana pushed the door further open and they entered her rooms.

A sleepy voice raised from Morgana’s bed immediately.

“Morgana, where were you?”.

Merlin froze as he watched Gwen slowly surface from under the covers, curly hair free and cascading over her very naked shoulders.

Gwen visibly shook at the sight of him, hands gripping the sheets as she tried to cover herself.

Morgana locked the door.

“I shouldn’t be here” Merlin stammered, turning his back to Gwen and blushing bright pink.

“You clearly had something to tell me” Morgana said as she quickly walked over to the other side of the room and drew a curtain to let Gwen dress, “I understand why you couldn’t do it in front of Gaius, since he is so adamant in denying the truth”.

“I- yes, indeed, my lady” he said, voice high as his fists clenched and unclenched at his sides, the swish of clothes being pulled on resounding in the otherwise silent background. Morgana murmured a quiet apology to Gwen and then walked over to Merlin, grabbing him by the elbow and guiding him towards her dining table.

“Tell me everything” she said, eyes still a little scared, as they both sat down.

Merlin breathed out slowly, dragging his hands over his face.

“This was an incredible show of trust, my lady and I… I will keep my word as promised” Merlin said, urgently, because he couldn’t let it go right away. The magnitude of what Morgana was willing to show him almost crushed him and this cemented further in him the resolution to confide in her. He owed her to repay her trust with his own.

Morgana smiled gratefully at him.

“Gaius is concerned about your safety and… that is why he won’t tell you the truth” he started, hands fidgeting on top of the table.

Morgana’s face creased with fear as she looked at the floor.

“I believe you, my lady. When you say that you have magic, I know you are telling the truth” Merlin said and Morgana’s shoulders sagged as her whole body fell against her chair in relief.

“Thank you” she said, shakily, tongue darting to wet her chapped and pale lips. Gwen timidly joined them at the table, extending a glass of water to her lady. Morgana smiled softly at her and wrapped one hand around the glass as the other squeezed Gwen’s fingers gently. Merlin felt his cheeks burn aflame at the intimacy displayed so shamelessly in front of him.

Gwen turned her nervous eyes on Merlin, her question clear all over her face.

Merlin lowered his head a little and sighed. This was his chance to stop shying away from the truth.

“I know magic, Morgana, and I- I recognize it” he said, staring at his lap, “I know what you are going through because… Because I have gone through this same experience myself”.

Merlin forced himself to look at Morgana, whose face was open in confusion.

“What... what are you saying, Merlin?” she whispered, eyes calculating as he shifted on the chair guiltily.

He tried to push a smile on his face as he slowly reached for the wilted flowers laying in their pretty blue vase on the table. His fingers brushed them, his eyes shined yellow and his lips let out a whispered enchantment. Sparks started to fly around the flowers as they started to levitate slightly out of the vase. Merlin sent them dancing over their heads as sparks lit the still dark room. Morgana’s eyes shined with brimming tears as she exhaled a shaky breath.

Gwen looked as much in awe as her lady.

“Merlin” she said, brown eyes smiling, “It’s beautiful”.

Merlin nodded at her and looked pointedly at Morgana.

“Magic can be just as beautiful as it can be destructive” he said, sniffing loudly as he wiped a sneaky tear from the corner of his eye.

Morgana pressed a hand over her mouth, crying, as Gwen carefully hugged her from the side, sending one quick bashful glance at Merlin.

“My lady” Gwen whispered in Morgana’s hair, one arm thrown around her waist and the others wrapped around her shoulders, “It’s okay”.

Merlin looked at the flowers still hovering above them, trying to quench the fear flooding his brain. He had made his choice. He had shown himself to someone else with no shame.

“You are like me” Morgana stammered through her tears and Merlin closed his eyes, tears of his own threatening to fall.

“Yes” he said, trying to not sound as little and scared as he felt inside. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and he blinked his eyes open, wiping his cheeks with the sleeve of his tunic.

“I know how to control it because I had guidance” he added, and bit his lip before he offered: “You are lost but I can help you find that same control you’re aching for”.

Morgana’s lips trembled as she said a feeble yes and Gwen’s arms tightened around her before releasing her.

Gwen looked at Merlin with a teary smile.

“Thank you, Merlin” she said.

Merlin gave a curt nod in return and with a flick of his fingers he sent the flowers back in their vase. The sparks of magic withered into nothing and the room was once again cast in darkness.

Gwen wiped her own tears and went to drag the curtain away from the windows, letting the sun gently pour in.

  
***  
  


Gaius was waiting for him at his working table, mixing herbs with a vicious strength in his old bones.

He didn’t stop working the pestle in the mortar as Merlin tried to cross the room quickly to avoid confrontation but of course Gaius didn’t give him the time.

“I hope you didn’t just do what I fear you just did” he said, anger poorly disguised in his voice, “Because I wouldn’t want to believe I taught you to be so foolish”.

Merlin stopped in his tracks, facing the small staircase and staring right ahead.

“You have taught me to do the right thing” he said, stiff as a board, “Helping Morgana was always going to be the right thing”.

The sound of the mortar being slammed poorly on the table resounded in the small room.

“Merlin, I- I am too old for this” Gaius said, something different filtering through his tone and curiosity made Merlin turn to look at him. Gaius grimaced, deep lines creasing his old face as he let himself fall on a stool.

“If Uther had been alive…” Gaius started, pressing his fingers to his temple as if in pain, “I would have stopped you from going with her right away… but the king is dead. His laws… his searing hatred of magic went away with him, but the laws are still into effect. I am still afraid for you and Lady Morgana. I just don’t know what to do with this fear”.

Merlin stepped closer, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Arthur is different” he said softly, trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to convince Gaius.

Gaius nodded sharply and patted Merlin’s hand on his shoulder.

“I will never stop worrying over you, Merlin” he said, voice gruff as he pushed the mortar around on the table, “I hope you know that I will always do everything in my power to protect you and Lady Morgana”.

“I know” Merlin assured him.

“And that loud stray you brought in our home, too” Gaius added with an exasperated scoff as he waved a hand towards Merlin’s room.

Merlin laughed.

“Is Will still sleeping or do I need to fetch a bucket?” Merlin joked, his hand slipping from Gaius’s shoulder.

“He already left!” Gaius said with an incredulous chuckle, “He said he was finally going to get a job and then darted out of here as if he had the devil on his trail”.

“Oh” Merlin said, surprise shaking him even though he already knew what Will was going to do. He shook the feeling off and didn’t stop to wonder why he felt a sharp pang of sadness at Gaius’s words.

“I tell you, it was about time” Gaius muttered, picking up his mortar again, “He has been here for a whole month, after all. And while I appreciate how he helped around, he couldn’t do it forever… Though I must admit I will miss having him around all the time”.

“Don’t worry, Gaius, you will still have me” Merlin said, cheekily, even though he didn’t feel cheerful at all. He was going to miss Will too. If he were being honest, he already missed him.

“May the Gods help me then” Gaius said with a sarcastic snort of laughter as Merlin rolled his eyes.

Gaius wrung his hands silently before raising his eyes on Merlin.

“Things are changing fast” he said with a shake of his head, “Let us hope they’re changing for the better”.

  
***  
  


Gwen had been nothing but supportive and helpful over the following three weeks, as Merlin found many excuses to spend his late afternoons in Morgana’s chambers, books open and spare pages laid out all over the room.

Morgana had proved herself to be an excellent student, as she mastered small spells faster than even Merlin did. Merlin thought fondly of the enthusiasm she had demonstrated when she had managed to control the spell to light a fire in record time and she proudly used it every night to light up the room before she and Merlin started going through more spells, bent over their books and the occasionals snacks Gwen made for them.

Morgana’s visions were a trickier matter than her magic and Merlin didn’t actually know how to help her with those. He searched through all of Gaius’s books for answers but only found inhibitors -the same he suspected Gaius had been giving her for years to suppress her powers and that now were started to fail after such a long exposure. He glazed over them, trying to not resent Gaius for all his misgivings, otherwise he would have to hold him accountable for every single one and he didn’t really have the time.

Between his duties as manservant of the King and teacher of magic spells, he barely had time to rest. As he had predicted, he missed Will dearly as they didn’t see each other for days on end, both engrossed in their new lives of blacksmith and teacher.

Something he hadn’t predicted was the Dragon’s voice reappearing in his head after more than a month of silence between them. Merlin hadn’t forgotten how the dragon had sent him to bargain Will’s life without his knowledge and even though Merlin hadn’t had a confirmation yet, he knew the dragon had kept a lot of information from him. He was furious at him and had come to the conclusion that ignoring him was the best course of action. Merlin didn’t want to know what he would be willing to do in front of all the deceit.

With Morgana’s dreams getting worse, though, he really didn’t know who else to call for help. Gaius was just as oblivious about these matters as him. Thus, when the dragon’s voice called for him for the twelfth night in a row, Merlin gathered that one question wasn't going to do any harm.

This was the thought process that led him to walk down the staircase to the cave beneath the castle, a magically lit torch showing him the way.

The dragon was waiting for him, perched on his usual rock, wings folded neatly and chin lazily placed on his portentous paws. He didn’t raise his head and just kept looking at Merlin idly, as if he was bored, waiting for the boy to talk.

Merlin swallowed past the lump of nervousness in his throat and glared at the dragon before he sat down on the first step of the stone staircase, legs swinging.

“You called me” Merlin said, frowning.

The dragon scoffed in answer.

“I have been incredibly patient, young warlock” he grumbled, nostrils flaring slightly.

“So have I” Merlin countered, fingers tightening on his torch before he sent it flying over his head to hover abpve them as they talked.

The dragon chuckled and his wings fluttered slightly open as he rose to sit on his hind legs.

“You grow bolder every day, I see” he said.

Merlin shrugged, wondering if the dragon thought that towering over him like this would have intimidated him. For good measure, Merlin just arched an eyebrow and kept staring.

“Did you know that you were sending me to bargain my friend’s life instead of my own to Nimueh?” Merlin asked, crossing his arms over his chest in an unspoken challenge.

The dragon huffed through his nose, annoyed.

“You waited months to ask me a question you already know the answer to” he said, claws gripping the stone beneath him as he adjusted slightly on his seat.

Merlin’s lips twitched as he tried to not snarl at him, anger boiling under his skin.

“Well” Merlin said, voice barely restrained, “The man you almost let die is okay though. No thanks to you”.

The dragon’s wings flattened against his sides as he threw his head back and laughed.

“And Uther is dead” he said, smug, “I must say, boy, this was some of your best work”.

Merlin clenched his jaw shut as he dug his nails into his own palms, staring at the dark abyss next to him.

“I could not stop that” he said, defensively.

“Neither should you have” the dragon leered with a cheerful wave of his front claws, “You will soon reap the benefits of letting the old tyrant die”.

Merlin rose to his feet quickly, annoyance threatening to topple over.

“I have not come here to watch you gloat” Merlin said, viciously.

The dragon sighed, a hint of a smile still on his face.

“Of course… You must have a request. Like you always do” he said condescendly and Merlin scoffed.

“You must tell me everything about Morgana’s powers” he said, curling his fists at his sides.

The dragon narrowed his eyes at his commandeering tone.

“Why?”.

“Just-” Merlin started, anger slipping out for a second before he reeled it in, “Just tell me about her visions and how to control them”.

The dragon looked sincerely taken aback but shortly recovered as disgust showed in his eyes.

“You cannot be thinking about helping her, young warlock” he said, wings flaring open and casting distorted shadows over Merlin’s figure, “The witch is dangerous and cannot be trusted-”.

“You don’t know her” Merlin shouted, patience snapping away as he took a step forward and pointed a finger at the dragon, “You don’t know the goodness in her heart. I will not let you twist my mind and convince me that she is irredeemable when she has done nothing wrong!”.

“Not yet!” the dragon argued, “But there will come a day when you will regret the leniency you are showing her! Destiny foretells us that if she is not stopped she will bring the downfall of Camelot!”.

“I refuse to let that happen!” Merlin argued back, “Destiny means nothing to me and as far as I can tell, I can shape it as I well wish! I will not let Morgana feel like a monster anymore when I can help her in her moment of need. She doesn’t deserve to be held reproachable for something she _might_ do in the future. I will teach her how magic can be used for good instead of just letting her flail in the dark until she loses herself. You know that you cannot stop me, so you might as well help me!”.

The dragon roared as he rose on his hind legs, wings flapping at his sides.

“You are signing your own death sentence, you fool” the dragon snarled, a puff of smoke flying from his wide nostrils.

“You don’t know that! The future can be many things based on what we make of it. Well, I’m making my choice based on the future that I want, a future with Morgana in it. Adjust accordingly, dragon” Merlin said, grabbing the floating torch and turning towards the exit of the cave, anger pulsating throughout him. He couldn’t bear to be in the dragon’s presence any longer.

“Boy! Wait” the dragon bellowed and Merlin stopped in his tracks. He sucked on his bottom lip in uncertainty before turning back around. The dragon looked at him calculatingly before huffing in resignation.

“Alright. But I will not endanger Camelot’s destiny unless I get something in return” he said, shaking his head, “I will help you master Morgana’s powers only if you promise to release me. Uther cannot hold me prisoner even in his death”.

“That’s all you ever cared for, right?” he scoffed, “You only pretend to care about anything else but your own gain. You have manipulated me for too long with promises of destiny and greatness. For all I know they're just lies you tell me to control me”.

“When you will be chained in a cave underneath a castle for more than twenty years, then I will allow you to hold judgment, warlock, but not any sooner” the dragon warned, eyes narrowing again, “Now, do you want what you came here for or not?”.

Merlin wavered for a fraction of a second before his fingers tightened on the torch and he took a half step forward, nodding.

“I am listening”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's see the headcount: will, gaius, gwen and now morgana all know. who's next? ;) also, i made will a blacksmith for one reason only and if you guess it i will give you an endless supply of cookies. see you next friday!!


	7. Fish in a barrel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Merlin tries to bring some relief in Morgana's life, obstacles incur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am... sorry?

Merlin’s conversation with the dragon hung over his head perpetually over the following weeks, but Morgana’s wellbeing was more important to him than his apparently impending doom. The dragon was going to claim his part of the bargain sooner rather than later and when he realised Merlin wasn’t going to make good on a promise he had technically never officially agreed to, the boy was going to suffer dire consequences.

Nonetheless, he found relief in knowing that he had done what was right. Morgana had been beyond herself with enthusiasm when he had barged in her rooms with a smile and a piece of paper with all of the dragon’s instructions.

“Merlin, you look positively radiant” she had said with an arched eyebrow and a half smile, as Gwen had chuckled behind her while brushing her hair diligently.

He had waved the instructions triumphantly and he had announced to the room at large: “I have found a way for your visions to torment you no longer”.

Gwen had frozen as Morgana had jumped on her feet to rush to his side.

“Really?” she had said with a shaky breath and Gwen rushed forward too, a smile brightening the room as Merlin winked cheekily.

“You need a vessel for your visions, otherwise they will fester in your mind if kept bottled up” he had explained, eager, “There is a crystal which will allow you to control them and lessen their frequency. All this time your powers have simmered in your mind, but the visions want out. If kept unbridled, they will keep manifesting when you’re most vulnerable”.

“That is why I have had them while I’m sleeping” Morgana had concluded, nodding like it finally made all sense. Merlin had smiled warmly at her and she had smiled back.

“We will need to travel a bit to get everything you need, though” he had added while scratching his forehead.

And thus Merlin, Morgana, Gwen and a handful of knights had left for an apparent pilgrimage to the tomb of Morgana’s father just a couple of days later.

Their conversation with Arthur over why Merlin needed to go with them had been just a tad awkward.

“You want _Merlin_ to go with you?” he had asked, incredulous, while waving two fingers to signal that his goblet was empty. Merlin had poured water in silence, biting on his lip nervously.

“We need to make a detour to gather my father’s favourite flowers and since they’re extremely rare, I didn’t know where they grew until now. Luckily, Merlin mentioned to me that he knows the way. I regret to say it is quite far, since these flowers grow only in a cave in the Plains of Denaria”.

“Morgana, that’s a two days trip” Arthur had said in disbelief, but Morgana hadn’t budged.

Arthur had sighed, then, studying Morgana over his dinner as Gwen and Merlin exchanged impatient glances behind them.

“Flowers…” Arthur had then repeated slowly, like it pained him.

“I wanted to do something different this year to honor my father” Morgana had said, looking down at the table between them with a perfectly concocted disheartened look in her eyes, “Since I have lost Uther too, and am now lacking a family”.

Arthur had softened, chewing on his steak with a nod.

“You can have Merlin but don’t treat him too well or I will have to put him back in shape when your trip is over” Arthur had said with a snort and Merlin had just rolled his eyes and taken the jug of wine out of his hands just to spite him.

It was a wonder to Merlin that Arthur didn’t ask more. But, well, he never did. Merlin had counted himself incredibly lucky over Arthur’s general disinterest over details, which served him on numerous occasions.

Everything had gone perfectly to plan until they actually ventured outside Camelot.

They were leisurely riding in the bright light of the late morning as suddenly the crack of a broken branch resounded behind them. Merlin immediately scanned their surroundings but wasn’t fast enough in detecting the threat, because the sound of an arrow flying past his head to land in Sir Robert’s eye left him came right after. Momentarily petrified by surprise, he watched as Sir Robert fell on the ground and the horse neighed loudly. One of the other knights appointed to be their guards quickly turned his own horse around as more arrows found their ways towards them.

“Morgana” Merlin screamed as he held out a hand and deflected the arrows away from the two remaining knights with a flick of his magic.

Morgana turned frantically around to find where their assailants were hiding but stopped when Gwen grabbed the reins to her horse and urged her deeper in the woods.

Behind them, sir Sentry fell to the ground, an arrow stuck in his temple.

“My lady, let’s go” Gwen cried out as men with crossbows and swords held high started filtering through the trees towards them. The two women quickly rode further away as Merlin encouraged them on.

“But Gwen, we can help” Morgana argued, sending one pleading look to Merlin who just spurred her horses faster with one glow of his eyes.

While they rode further and further to safety, Merlin sent two bandits flying against each other, head knocking together hard enough that they fell in a heap on top of each other, both unconscious.

Merlin heard some struggling behind him and turned to see a bandit brandishing a sword against Sir Radnor, who countered the hit easily. Another man was making his way quickly towards the knight, aiming to knock Radnor’s sword from his hand and succeeding.

Merlin dismounted his horse -which quickly ran as far as she could- and he went to pick up a sword from one of the men he had knocked out.

He sent a branch to hit one of the bandits in the face before he ran towards Sir Radnor, who had kicked the bandit in the face, breaking his nose. The bandit snarled in anger and swayed his sword, blood pouring copiously from his nose.

“ _Hætende_ ” he recited, focusing on the sword in the bandit’s hold, heating it up until he dropped it.

A shriek behind them distracted both Merlin and Radnor fatally, as the bandit picked Radnor’s own sword and drove it in Radnor’s neck, blood spurting all over both of them.

Merlin felt his mind racing as he tried not to panic at the thought of Morgana and Gwen getting captured but he cried out in anger as he threw a ball of fire towards the bandit, hitting him square in the face. Merlin ignored his pained screams as he ran toward the sounds of struggling where Gwen and Morgana had ridden.

“Gwen” he screamed, “Morgana!”.

With the memory of the three knights dead behind him, he ran faster and faster until he found Gwen, laying unconscious on the ground with a cut bleeding on her forehead while three men tried to drag Morgana away.

“Morgana!” Merlin screamed again, holding his hand out as he stumbled next to Gwen, “Think of the fire!”.

Morgana’s face cleared in understanding as she struggled against their hold, closing her eyes and frowning in concentration as both she and Merlin summoned fire from their fingertips. The bandits released her arms quickly, crying out in surprise and fear as flames licked at their clothes.

“Check Gwen” Morgana shouted before she tried to hold the fire more firmly in her hands, crouching in a defensive stance as she faced the bandits.

Merlin kneeled next to Gwen and gathered her in his arms, fingers sliding frantically against her neck to check her pulse.

He exhaled in relief when he found it steady but was quickly torn back to Morgana as she grunted in pain behind him. A bandit had hit her across the face while another had held her arms against her back, flames flickering out as she was hit again.

Merlin felt fear and pure anger fuel him as he roared: “ _Ácwele_ ”. One of the bandits fell on the ground, skull hitting a rock and cracking with a resounding thud but the other two grabbed Morgana firmer and started carrying her away again.

“Come on, before they burn us to a damn crisp!” one of the two men screamed to the other, eyes wild as he grabbed Morgana’s legs to carry her faster. Merlin rose to his feet to run towards them but five new bandits blocked his way.

He raised his hand towards two of them and said: “ _Gehæftan_ ”. The two bandits were pushed together by invisible ropes tying them up as they fell on the ground. Merlin sent a fireball to one more bandit and dodged a punch as he kicked the bandit’s legs and tripped him. He kicked the man in the face repeatedly before one last bandit behind him grabbed him by the waist and tackled him on the ground, rolling painfully among dirty rocks. The bandit straddled Merlin’s chest, caging his arms as he punched him in the face, and pain spread through Merlin’s cheek to the rest of his face as he groaned in pain. He wiggled frantically on the ground as he tried to push the man off of him but another punch to his face made his sight go white for a couple of seconds, caused by the collision between the back of his skull and the rock it was laying over. Ears ringing, Merlin thrusted his hands up as he tried to strangle the bandit blindly but the man simply knocked them away. When Merlin braced himself for another punch, a sword suddenly burst from the bandit’s chest. Blood seeped through the wound as the sword was retracted and Merlin looked with unfocused eyes at Gwen towering over them, her face half covered in blood as well. The bandit grunted and fell on top of Merlin, shivering once before the life seeped out of him.

Gwen shoved the man off and helped Merlin to his feet. His head was swimming for the various hits it had taken and Gwen had to throw an arm around his waist to hold him upright.

“Where is Morgana?” she asked, panic searing through her face. Merlin felt his knees go weak as he looked around them.

“No” he whispered, panicked as well, “They took her, _no, no_ ”.

He stumbled forward as Gwen held him in place.

“We need to go get her back” he said, looking at Gwen with wide eyes but she shook her head.

“Merlin, you look like you’re about to faint. We need to get help” she said, hands tightening on his waist as one more trickle of blood trailed down her face.

“You’re bleeding” he said weakly, feeling his tongue heavy in his mouth as he hold a finger to point in the general direction of her forehead.

Gwen nodded, tears brimming in her eyes as she tried to make them walk forward.

“Yes, Merlin, we’re both bleeding and honestly the look in your eyes is scaring me so we need to run to Camelot as fast as we can, okay?” she said, her curls swaying against her neck as she looked around, “There is still a horse roaming around nearby, I can see it. Can you hold yourself up so that I can fetch it?”.

Merlin nodded weakly, nausea making him even more dizzy as Gwen helped him balance himself against a tree. He dug his hand against the wood, trying to ground himself as the world spinned and spinned.

He was relatively aware of Gwen stumbling through weeds toward a lonesome horse, taking the reins and guiding the animal towards him. As Merlin realised this was his old mare, he accepted Gwen’s help in mounting her and then let Gwen take control of the reins once she had seated on the saddle right in front of him. Merlin patted his mare's side affectionatedly and looped an arm around Gwen’s waist, considering the pros of just passing out but he shook his head and forced himself to stay awake the whole ride back to Camelot.

  
***  
  


Arthur had run to Gaius’s chambers as soon as the guards gave word to him that two servants had come back from Lady Morgana’s travel party alone and bleeding and had burst rather loudly in the room. Merlin groaned at the ruckus, waves of pain crushing over and over across his temples.

“Tell me what happened” he demanded right away and Gwen raised her hands as if to placate him, but she must have known it was useless. Arthur looked like a spooked wild animal, nostrils flared and eyes aflame with rage.

“We were attacked by bandits in the woods an hour outside of Camelot but… but they didn’t actually steal anything, they just killed the knights and took Morgana. It was- Your Majesty, I think Morgana was the target” she said, without wincing once as Gaius stitched the cut on her forehead. Meanwhile Merlin felt bile pushing up his throat as he tried to not vomit all over Gaius’s floor at the sight of the needle and thread.

Arthur bolted into strategy immediately, listing off his orders to the guards behind him.

“Go and get things ready, I will stay here and gather as much information on the bandits as possible” he concluded as he guided them out of the room and closed the door behind them. He rushed back to Gaius’s working table and grabbed Gwen by the shoulders.

“Have you noticed anything peculiar? Maybe in the men’s clothes or-”.

“No” Gwen said right away, anguish making her mouth twist almost comically as she repressed tears, “They knocked me out and then when I woke up Morgana was gone and there were so many of them laying around dead but one and he- He had Merlin on the ground and he was about to kill him and I didn’t have time to see where they had gone, I had to take care of Merlin”.

Arthur carded a hand through his hair, exhaling shakily as his eyes went wide with fear.

“So we have _nothing_!” he summed up, frustrated and a tear escaped Gwen’s eyes as she clenched her fists in her lap. Gaius glared at Arthur before finishing up his job and placing the needle back on the table. Merlin sighed as the physician started to clean his wound next.

“I’m so sorry” Gwen sobbed and Arthur immediately looked like he had swallowed a whole lemon, “I tried to help, I swear! I took a sword and almost killed one of them before he managed to knock me out and when I regained consciousness the only thing I could see was Merlin about to die in front of me and the bandit was choking him and I had to kill him, you see, I killed him, and I swear, my Lord, I would have killed all the other bandits if that meant Morgana was saved! If I could have done something more for Morgana I would have! I would have given up my own life! She’s _everything_ , my Lord, _everything_!”.

Arthur nodded, alarmed in a new way, and hugged her to his chest as she cried.

Arthur awkwardly patted her on the shoulder.

“Okay, okay. You did good, Gwen, you did good” he murmured as he let her press her face against him to hide her tears from everyone else. His own version of mercy, Merlin figured.

“Careful, your Majesty, she might tear her stitches” Gaius reprimanded him, still wiping blood from Merlin’s face.

“What about you, Merlin?” Arthur asked, now tentatively stroking Gwen’s back to comfort her. He looked far out of his own comfort zone to Merlin, but he still lended himself to give Gwen what she needed.

Merlin swallowed past his nausea as Gaius carefully tested the swelling on his cheek with his fingers. He desperately tried to dig something up from his memories but it all felt very hazy as soon as he was close to pinpoint even one information.

His mind flew over what he was trying to grasp and wandered aimlessly as the only thing Merlin registered were Gaius’s hands on his face.

Arthur snapped his fingers in front of his eyes and called loudly: “Merlin”.

Merlin startled and looked at Arthur as if he had only just noticed him.

“Arthur?” he said, confused, and Gaius and Arthur exchanged worried glances above him.

“Is he okay?” Arthur asked, brows furrowed in concern. Gwen slipped from his embrace to look at Merlin too.

Merlin felt distinctly under scrutiny as they all just stared.

“He hit his head a lot” Gwen explained, wiping her eyes and sounding incredibly tired. Merlin could understand that, since he felt so weary he could have fallen asleep right there on Gaius’s stool.

“I want to go to bed” he announced to no one in particular as his eyes closed of their own accord but they snapped open again when all three people in front of him said very loudly: “ _No_ , Merlin”.

Arthur patted his back a couple of times before saying softly: “No sleeping, okay, Merlin? Can you promise that?”.

Merlin shrugged.

“‘lright” he slurred before trying to stand up and immediately falling as Arthur’s arms caught him just in time. Gwen helped the king place Merlin back on his stool.

“Sit down and don’t fall asleep, these are your orders for today” Arthur said, bending to look at him directly in the eyes, “Can you follow them?”.

Merlin nodded, humming as Arthur just patted his cheek twice almost tenderly and then turned back to Gaius.

“I trust you will take good care of him” he said and the physician just waved him off.

“That goes without saying, my Lord, now go find Lady Morgana so that I can have my best patient back” Gaius grumbled roughly.

Arthur’s face grew cold as he looked outside the window and said solemnly: “I will bring her back if it’s the last thing I do”.

Merlin huffed a small laughter.

“Why is he always so dramatic?” he said to no one in particular, almost delirious as he tried with all of his strength to not let his eyes close again. His awareness of his surroundings kept fading in and out as he tried to remember what Arthur had been talking about.

Arthur just stared at him grimly, before nodding a farewell to Gwen and taking his leave.

“I think I am going to vomit” Merlin announced right before he got sick all over Gaius’s floors.

  
***

Morgana had been dragged by her hair roughly as she kicked at her assailants for a long while before she had to give up, weariness and pain making her limbs heavy. She let them drag her across a couple of miles before they reached a small camp, where the biggest one of the bandits, who was clearly the leader, had studied her like she had been a cow he was considering to buy. She gave him the haughtiest look in her repertoire, trying to stop herself from fixing her hair. She knew she looked bloodied and dirty and she hated it deeply, but she wasn’t going to let them know how comfortable it made her.

The man leered and waggled his eyebrows as he bowed mockingly.

“My Lady, I am so honored to finally meet you” he said, voice slimy and suggestive as he grabbed her hand and kissed it. She stared at him like he was dirt under her shoe.

“I’m afraid the sentiment is not reciprocated” she said, cold as ice, “I demand to know who you are and what you want from me”.

“My name is Kendrick, my Lady, and I am just your biggest admirer” he said with a smirk, “I have a friend who wants to meet you too, we will reach him in the evening”.

“Don’t talk to me as if I were a child. Tell me where you’re taking me” she said, feeling her newfound powers simmering as they wanted to leak out of her. She tried to control them as well as she could, feeling her fingertips tingle as her magic seeked out.

Kendrick laughed heartily and then turned away, waving his hand at one of his men, who grabbed her arm and started dragging her towards a tent. Morgana tugged herself out of his grasp and said: “I can walk very well on my own, pig”.

Kendrick chuckled behind them before grabbing a peach and biting into it.

“No more rough handling the lady, Bjorn... “ he said, still chewing, “We all know Hengist doesn’t like damaged goods”.

Morgana rose to her full height and stomped away towards the tent the henchmen pointed her to, outraged.

“Rest up, honey, we will be travelling again soon” the man said, before leaving her alone in the tent.

She paced back and forth in the small space, wringing her hands and trying to find a way out of this. She thought of the last time he had seen Gwen and Merlin.

Morgana couldn’t keep away the memory of Gwen’s hair pooling around her bleeding head while she laid unconscious. She obsessed over the image of Merlin fighting against five mercenaries at once. The last thing she had seen before they had dragged her out of sight was Gwen stirring back into wakefulness as a man tried to punch Merlin in the face.

She held onto the notion that they had both been alive before she had been taken from them.

Morgana held onto hope, as she wished for nothing more than for them to be already on their way back home.

She cursed her useless magic as it boiled underneath her skin aimlessly and she tried to channel it the way Merlin instructed her to, but it just shifted and shifted until she gave up trying to rein it in and just let it roam inside her. She felt full to the brim and bound to explode and she feared what was going to happen when she inevitably would.

She evaluated the option of stealing a sword and fighting her way out but an ache in her ribs warned her not to push her luck.

Morgana tried to keep herself in check as Kendrick and his men cleared camp and drove her further and further away from her home. They rode north-east at a fast pace after tying Morgana’s hands behind her back and her ankle to Kendrick’s as they mounted the same horse. She wrinkled her nose at him and tried to keep as far from him as she possibly could.

When they finally arrived at their destination, she was brought into a cold dining hall where a balding man was feasting on what looked like extremely undercooked chicken, surrounded by the ruckus of his henchmen.

This man, who she assumed was the Hengist mentioned before, looked surprised as Kendrick made his entrance and he wiped his greasy fingers on his fur jacket before standing up.

“You’re early” he said with a guttural laugh that shook his fat belly.

Kendrick shrugged with a smug smirk and he pointed a thumb at Morgana.

“Piece of cake” he said and hooked his fingers in his belt loops as Hengist crossed the room with three huge steps.

His wide smile showed his yellow teeth and the piece of meat stuck between his incisors.

Morgana made a disgusted face as he appraised her carefully.

“Lady Morgana!” he said, eyes roaming over her entire body and making her feel the urge to cover up, “I don’t know why but I expected you to look different… You still are as pretty as they say, though”.

He took a step closer and tapped a finger under her chin, his stench so heavy that Morgana’s lips twitched as she breathed in. She took a deep breath through her mouth to try to quell the nausea.

“I’m glad you’re joining us today but I am afraid you will be relegated to your rooms until the beginning of tonight’s entertainments” Hengist said, tone patronising as he waved a hand at his minions and went back to his late lunch.

Morgana chose to stay silent as she followed a short and surprisingly clean man towards the underground cells.

“Hope you enjoy your stay” he said with a sneer before closing the door in her face.

The sound of the lock turning sounded desperately final as she looked around the small space and went to sit on the wooden bench under the small window. She dragged her feet on the bench and hugged her knees, closing her eyes and focusing on her breathing as she let go bit by bit. A hint of yellow sparked behind her closed eyelids as she summoned a small light and sent it flying out of the window. She hoped her message reached Merlin in time.

***

Morgana had been kidnapped four hours before news of a ransom reached Camelot. A man named Hengist had sent word that if he wasn’t to receive his weight in gold, Morgana was going to be hanged in her cell.

Arthur had immediately arranged for the ransom to be paid while he gathered intel on Hengist’s location. He had come into Mercia's territory months ago, settling a small fortress just barely on the other side of the border. Breaching into Cenred’s lands was a gamble Arthur was almost scared to take but the thought of Morgana deterred his fears as he packed his bag.

Sir Leon hadn’t been happy when he heard his King was going to come with them.

“ _Your Majesty_ ” Leon had said, hands clasped behind his back, “You are putting the court in a very uncomfortable place… We do not wish to limit you, especially now that Lady Morgana’s life is at stake, but I shall remind you that you are a young unmarried king with no heir. If you were to perish-”.

Arthur held a hand up to interrupt him.

“All I have to do is not die, I think I can manage that” Arthur said with a scoff and Sir Leon bowed his head slightly.

“Of course, my Lord” he said, staring at the floor, “May I ask you to reconsider, though?”.

Arthur sighed and then patted Leon’s shoulder.

“You may ask but I am still going to do this” Arthur said before he smirked confidently, “This is going to be just like our pretend games from when we were kids”.

Leon huffed a laugh, dropping what his duties as loyal knight of Camelot demanded and going back to being Arthur’s oldest friend, shaking his head at Arthur like he still was an insufferable kid and straight up glaring when Arthur’s response had been an even wider grin. Arthur mimicked a boisterous confidence he distinctly did not feel.

“I remember vividly how Morgana refused so staunchly to be the damsel in distress...” Leon said, eyes fond as they both reminisced, “She always insisted that you be the princess ensnared by the dragon”.

“And she saved me rather brilliantly every time” Arthur added, squeezing Leon’s shoulder once before growing solemn, “It is high time I save her back”.

That had sealed it as Arthur finished packing with Leon’s help.

“I will meet you in the courtyard with our horses, I only need to make one stop before we leave” Arthur informed Leon who bowed his head and took his leave with a short and almost sarcastic ‘ _yes, your Majesty_ ’.

He rushed to Gaius’s chambers with his heart beating too fast as anxiety raked through him.

Gaius was forcing Merlin to drink some water when the young king arrived.

“How is he?” Arthur asked, looking expectantly at Gaius.

“I’m fine” Merlin said, pouting as he stood up and waved Gaius’s hands away, “I will go with you, Arthur”.

Arthur’s relief at how Merlin seemed way more present than mere three hours earlier melted away quickly as he registered what the boy had just said.

“Like hell you are” Arthur said with a snort, before pushing him back down, “I already gave you your orders, do not defy me”.

“You have a severe concussion, boy, you will not go anywhere” Gaius grumbled only to be ignored as Merlin scoffed at Arthur.

“I cannot let you go alone when the reason Morgana has been taken was my own ineptitude in saving her” Merlin argued, refusing to sit down on his stool as he faced Arthur.

“It was not your job to save her, Merlin. You had three knights with you who should have kept you all safe but instead they let Hengist’s men take her away and injure two of the most loyal servants under Camelot’s rule” Arthur said, almost too candidly as he stared deeply into Merlin’s blue eyes, “Your only responsibility now is to recover as I go and bring Morgana back”.

Merlin frowned, clearly about to continue arguing, but in that moment Gwen burst in the room, hair clean from blood and tied in a practical bun. She had changed her dress into a pair of riding breeches and a brown tunic, a sheathed sword hanging from her side. Arthur and Gaius gaped at her as Merlin exploited their surprise to grab his jacket and slide it over his shoulders.

“Where do you think _you’re_ going?” Arthur asked, incredulous as he studied Gwen’s sheath.

Gwen glared at him in a surprising show of determination as she patted her sword and said: “You know I can handle a sword just as well as any of your knights. Morgana needs me” she said firmly, eyes burning with conviction and Arthur just groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I truly do not know what to do with the two of you… so _stubborn_ ” he mumbled, clenching his eyes shut to regain some of his patience.

“Do you two think I am going alone? Sir Leon and three other knights are to come with me. We are more than enough, we don’t need two servants slowing us down” Arthur said, aiming for as much rudeness as he could muster to deter them but it only made Merlin and Gwen glare at him harder.

“May I remind you that your knights were no help in saving Lady Morgana in the first place while here I am, still alive and ready to fight?” Gwen argued, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Exactly” Merlin said from where he was standing behind them, packing some food in his leather satchel, “That is why we are coming with you”.

Gwen blinked at Merlin as if she had only just noticed him and she looked uncomfortable for a second before she squared her shoulders and shook her head.

“Merlin, you couldn’t even stand on your own until two hours ago” she argued and Arthur pointed triumphantly at her as he turned around to look at Merlin with a smug look.

“See?” he said, one hand on his hip as he shifted his weight on one foot, “You’re not coming”.

Merlin looked outraged as Gwen, Arthur and Gaius stared him down, but ultimately gave up, throwing his satchel on the table and sagging on one of the steps that led to Gaius’s small library above them.

“I am so tired” Merlin whined, pushing his hands in his hair. Arthur’s hands twitched as he restrained the urge to reach out and comfort him and he just turned to Gwen with a serious gaze.

“Stay with him” he ordered but Gwen stubbornly raised an eyebrow at him.

“No offense, your Majesty, but today I am not taking orders from you” she said and Arthur groaned in exasperation.

“I don’t have time to argue” he said.

“Neither do I” she countered fiercely and Arthur threw his hands to the sky, demanding some patience to deal with this.

Merlin chuckled behind them before he said: “Look after this one for me, Gwen”.

Gwen nodded solemnly before she crossed the distance between them and threw her arms around Merlin to hug him tightly.

“I will bring them both back safely to you” she whispered in his shoulders as Merlin hugged her back. The sting of jealousy was so familiar to Arthur that pushing it aside was almost too easy. Besides, it wasn’t the time to be jealous at all, as fear was still clutching his stomach.

As he fully registered what Gwen had promised, Arthur sighed deeply before he pressed two fingers to his forehead and stroked his impending migraine away.

These two were way too much for him. He was a trained soldier, not a child.

Gwen released Merlin before stepping away, looking at Arthur.

“Shall we?” she said and Arthur just sighed once more.

  
***

Sadly, Morgana didn’t have any way of knowing that her magic had indeed been strong enough that the light travelled fast and steadily to Camelot, unbothered as it filtered through the woods and climbed the walls of the castle to Merlin’s room, where Will was forcing some water down Merlin’s throat. When the small slither of light snaked under the seal of the window to dance in front of Merlin’s face, the boy choked on his sip of water and sputtered wildly as he stood so fast on his feet that the dizziness returned to make his head light again.

He coughed as he pushed Will out of the way to close the shutters.

“What is that?” Will asked, alarmed. Merlin shook his head and gathered the light in the palms of his hands.

“I need some darkness” Merlin said, voice strangled as he kneeled in the corner and pushed the light to reflect on the stone wall. Words flickered on the wall and he cheered.

“Merlin, would you care to explain?” Will asked, eyes wide. Steps resounded as Gaius climbed into the room with a potion in hand designed to make Merlin’s nausea disappear.

“What is going on?” the old man asked sharply and Merlin turned his head sideways to smile at him.

“It’s a spell I’ve taught Morgana so that we could communicate at all times” Merlin explained excitedly, proud of his own accomplishments as a teacher as he pointed at the writing on the wall, “She must have really been practicing a lot for it to come all this way”.

“What does it say?” Will asked, crouching next to Merlin and staring at the wall in fascination.

Merlin’s smile widened as his fingers brushed the wavering letters. He turned to Gaius once more.

“I believe I have somewhere to be... I need a strengthening potion so I can travel, fetch me some books” he announced and Gaius smacked his lips in annoyance before begrudgingly complying.

  
***  
  


Gwen’s presence hadn’t really been unwelcome but the knights that Arthur chose to accompany them weren’t exactly subtle with their bewildered looks as she rode alongside them. She ignored them, mind focused on the road ahead.

Arthur let Sir Leon and Sir Grant surpass him as he slowed down to trot silently next to Gwen. Other two knights whose names Gwen didn’t remember stayed far behind them, making sure no one was following.

“Are you sure you just don’t want to go back?” he asked, clearly still awkward. Gwen and Arthur had never been close but she knew he respected her and she respected him in return. She believed he could become a great king, albeit a really petulant one at times.

She pursued her lips in annoyance and just gave him an icy look that could have rivaled Morgana’s. Gwen was almost surprised at herself today, as all of her usually subservient instincts flew out of the window, replaced by a smothering urge to protect. She didn’t care if Arthur’s image of her as the sweet and blushing handmaiden had disintegrated in flames. This fierceness was as much part of her as her awkwardness and Arthur would have known that already if he had ever bothered to look in the long years they had known each other.

“I am not leaving her” Gwen said, stubbornly, “So you might as well tell me your plan, because I know you have no intention of bowing down to any kidnapper’s request”.

Arthur bit the inside of his cheek as he averted his eyes from her.

“I am not giving all those coins to a ruthless cutthroat who thought he could kidnap someone close to me with no consequences, no, you’re right but… Sir Leon doesn’t know that he and the knights are to act as… a distraction while I go and look for her” he said, voice low and brows furrowed. Gwen nodded, waving at him to go on, and Arthur sighed before he started explaining further.

“We were given instructions to leave the money to his men on our side of the mountains of Andor but I know that this warlord, Hengist, has a fortress that lingers just on the other side of the Mercian border. He has filled it with all his trophies and his little pets and I have no intention of letting Morgana be one of them. I don’t think he is going to give her up so quickly. The moment he sees us handing him money, he will demand more. Greed is his whole personality trait” he said, disgust written all over his face, “And since Camelot’s insignia cannot be seen on that side of the border without it resulting hostile to Cenred and his army, I will let everyone think we stayed in the confines of our kingdom as I sneak through…I also don’t want to give them reason to doubt us. If we look like we don’t care about Morgana, he will not hesitate in hurting her. I cannot allow that. Thus, Sir Leon and the others will act as negotiators with Hengist’s men to buy me time”.

“To buy _us_ time” Gwen corrected and she could see in the lines of his face that Arthur was fighting the urge to laugh at her.

“Okay, okay, us” he said, a spark twinkling in his eyes as he repressed any trace of a smile, “But you will have to do exactly as I say”.

“Of course I will, sire” she said without thinking, “I’m not Merlin”.

Arthur laughed heartily, throwing a hand over his chest as she felt her face grow hot, realising what she had said. She was quick to backtrack.

“Not that I’m saying that he is useless, of course not” she said, eyes wide in horror, and that only made Arthur laugh harder, “I think Merlin is perfectly adequate in his job, it’s just that he can be… defiant”.

Arthur chortled in a rather undignified way and tried to cover it up with a cough and Gwen bit her own tongue in an effort to stay impassive. She knew she was lucky to have a very lenient king, but laughing at him seemed in poor taste after all he allowed her to do.

“Defiant sums him up pretty well” he said, trying to resume a serious bearing.

Gwen bowed her head slightly, still embarrassed, and Arthur appraised her carefully.

“You care for him” he said as if he had just come to this extraordinary conclusion and Gwen huffed.

“It would be difficult not to” she said fondly, heart clenching at thoughts of her friend.

“I know, I tried” Arthur said and then blinked repeatedly as if he was surprised at himself while a faint blush spread over his cheeks. He smoothed down his jacket with his left hand, jutting out his shoulders in an attempt to look taller.

Gwen thought he looked just a little bit ridiculous.

“I mean. It’s hard not to care for him, he just brings it out of you whether you want it or not” he added, before sucking on his bottom lip and releasing it with a pop as he frowned at some invisible foe.

“He is remarkable for sure” Gwen confirmed with a nod.

“I still don’t understand why though” Arthur muttered, scratching his forehead, and Gwen felt something uncomfortable stir in her guts.

“There is something about him…” he continued and the feeling intensified as her suspicions proved true. This was heading towards a conversation she didn’t know how to handle.

Gwen squirmed on her saddle, wanting nothing more than to disappear, and she pushed away the memories of Merlin’s eyes glowing pure gold even though she knew it was impossible that Arthur had any knowledge of that. She knew there was guilt written all over her posture, but Arthur hadn’t seemed to latch on - _yet_. He was, as always, blissfully unaware, but Gwen still wished to get as far from this topic as possible. She was afraid something might slip, or that Arthur might finally put two and two together and reach what to Gwen looked like a very obvious truth.

“I just don’t understand it but I know something is different about him” Arthur concluded, narrowing his eyes as if trying to figure it out now on the spot. Gwen bit her lip nervously.

“Might be the ears, sire” Sir Grant said in front of them, suddenly closer than they had been earlier, and Sir Leon frowned at him in disapproval. Arthur and Gwen both startled, their private little bubble bursting as they were forced to face their companions.

“Come on, Leon, don’t look at me like that” Sir Grant continued, cheekily, “I know you’re fond of the boy but you must admit that those ears are a travesty”.

Gwen, Leon and Arthur shared the same look of disagreement as they ignored Sir Grant, and Gwen silently thanked her lucky star that they were interrupted.

They rode in silence all the rest of the way to Andor while the sky grew darker.

  
***  
  


Morgana had stared at the small window for hours, awaiting any sign that Merlin had gotten his message, and felt herself slipping further into desperation as none arrived. She didn’t have the energy to send another one and if the first one hadn’t reached its destination, she doubted a new one would do the trick. No one had told her anything yet, she didn’t know what Hengist’s intentions were and she tried not to spiral as theories started to sprung in her overactive mind.

When the sky had gone pitch black, the heavy oak door of her cell slammed open as two men in mud-caked clothes pointed their swords at her.

“It’s time for dinner” the shorter one leered, smirk missing a couple of teeth.

She was brought back to the dining hall, where dozens of men were crowded in front of a wooden cage while Hengist looked on from his seat. He stood up when Morgana entered and pushed the chair for her.

She glared at him.

“I have been in this dirty hole for half a day and you are yet to tell me why I’m here” she said, hands balling up into fists at her sides. Hengist huffed a throaty laugh and sat back down in his chair, leaning on its arm and raising a goblet of dark red wine to his lips.

“Sit, Lady Morgana, before our dinner goes cold. The entertainment will start soon and I don’t want you to miss it… It might be your only chance to see this, after all” he said, a glint of maliciousness in his eyes and Morgana felt her heart sink.

She stayed on her feet, head held high, while Hengist digged in his dinner, chewing his steak loudly and with his mouth open.

He waved a fork and a set of hands pressed on Morgana’s shoulders to push her on the chair next to him.

“You don’t need to worry about yourself, my lady… That’s your king’s job right now. And I believe he will pay a real nice sum of money to stop worrying” Hengist said, with his mouth still full.

Morgana tried not to show her relief at the knowledge that this was a ransom situation and not a ‘ _I have kidnapped you to make you my wife_ ’ situation. She settled on her seat and gathered her hands in her lap as she studied the room.

Hengist noticed, looking at her in the corner of his eye.

“Our royal guest has grown bored” he roared, silencing the small crowd, “Let the entertainment begin”.

A gate to the cage clinked open and a huge man came out of it, tunicless and covered in dirt from head to toe as he raised his arms while shouting, trying to foment the crowd which answered with a similar scream.

“Bring on the challenger” Hengist said, waving his fingers and falling against the back of his chair as his face turned eager.

Another man entered the cage, almost as dirty but different in poise. His chainmail glinted in the flickering lights of the torches as he crossed the small cage and bowed to Hengist.

Morgana narrowed her eyes at him, a sense of familiarity shaking her. She had already seen that face somewhere.

“Only one of you will emerge from the cage alive. Do you accept the challenge?” Hengist asked with a dangerous smile.

“Yes” said the newcomer, fixing his sheath against his hip as he lowered his head, dark hair falling in his eyes for a second before he shook it in place. Morgana finally placed his face in her memory with a sharp intake of breath that Hengist mistook for fear as he chuckled at her. Lancelot’s eyes shifted on her for a second, recognition clear in the way he studied her face before silently turning to his opponent, who was shaking the bars of the cage and laughing to goad the crowd on.

“I accept, I accept” he was shouting with manic laughter.

Morgana frowned, twisting the fabric of her dress with her fingers as the fight began.

The hulking brute didn’t have any technique as he swung his sword brutally at Lancelot, who was fast on his feet and agile as he circled his opponent, ducking every hit like it was nothing.

Morgana tried to look as disinterested as she could as she followed Lancelot’s movements across the cage. He blocked a particularly vicious blow as he bent his legs slightly and planted his feet firmly on the ground. As another ungraceful swerve of the sturdy man hit, Lancelot dived sideways and fell on one knee, swiveling on the floor as he directed his sword to slice at his opponent’s legs. The brute grunted as blood started flowing from his thigh, but he shook Lancelot away and struck his sword at his head. Lancelot ducked quickly and rolled on the floor. He stood just in time to block another hit with a grunt that resounded even over the screams of the crowd.

Hengist laughed beside Morgana, munching on his steak and downing an entire goblet of wine in one go.

“Now, _this_ is fighting!” he cheered, spit flying out of his mouth along some chunks of meat.

Morgana ignored him.

Lancelot shifted on his feet, throwing his sword in his other hand as the other man hit him on the left and he aimed at his wrist, effectively disarming him. The sword fell on the ground with a loud clunk and Lancelot sweeped the brute off his feet, sending him on the floor. Lancelot pressed the tip of his weapon to his opponent’s chest, breathing hard and wiping the sweat off his brow with his free hand. His opponent slammed his hand on the ground two times and Lancelot retreated, placing his sword back in its sheath as the gate of the cage opened. He stepped in front of the dining table where Hengist was still drinking copious amounts of wine. Lancelot stood upright, a hand on the handle of his sword as he tilted his chin towards Hengist, whose face had gone red and slack with inebriation.

“You fought like a real warrior” he grunted, tossing him a sack of coins, “What’s your name?”.

“Lancelot” he answered, sliding the sack in his pocket and sending a nervous glance towards Morgana. Hengist wiggled his eyebrows with a sneer.

“I’m sure you have impressed our beautiful guest too” the warlord said, before his eyes turned hard, “But you will have to learn to actually finish the job”.

He slammed a hand on the table and shouted: “Release the wilddeoren!”.

A huge eyeless and hairless beast came out of a small gate at the center of the cage and it snarled before throwing itself on the defeated man, who screamed as its teeth teared into his flesh. Morgana averted her eyes, staring at her still untouched plate.

Hengist leered at her and Lancelot just stood there, jaw clenched as the sounds of the creature feasting drowned the room.

“Too much for your pretty eyes, is it?” Hengist asked with an obnoxious snort of laughter, pushing a hand on Morgana’s shoulder. Lancelot stiffened as he followed the motion, eyes narrowing as Morgana slipped away from Hengist’s touch. She knew how chivalrous and reckless men like Lancelot were and she didn’t want him to do anything rash in order to defend her honor when she was very much able to defend it on her own. She had always thought of herself as her own knight in shining armour and she wasn’t going to let any man think otherwise.

“That was an unnecessary show of bloodlust and cruelty” Morgana said, pouring as much disgust into her tone of voice as she could, “I am not impressed neither afraid by you”.

“I am sure you have seen worse while Uther was your guardian” Hengist challenged, “And I am also sure our new friend Lance, here, agrees with your mushy and cowardly view of life. I don’t understand why you should spare someone who cannot handle a fight… If I am defeated that means I am not worthy of fighting anymore. And it appears that death was the only thing that man was deserving of”.

Lancelot flinched, hand clenching on the handle of his sword as he bowed again.

“I am afraid I will have to take my leave” he said to Hengist before turning to Morgana and bowing further, “My Lady”.

Hengist shook his head in distaste as Lancelot left.

“That man is too soft” he commented drily, “But he is distinctly handsome, I will give him that… What did you think of him? Do his symmetrical features satisfy your sheltered royal sensibilities?”.

Morgana glared at him and stood up.

“I won’t endure your rudeness any longer” she said, magic stirring once again in her as she wished for nothing more than to strike him.

Hengist laughed, holding up his hands in a mockery of her aggressiveness.

“Or what? You’ll do another one of your parlor tricks that singed my henchmen’s clothes?” he said and she wavered.

“Did Uther know his precious ward had magic before he died like the pig he was?” he asked, revelling in her clear hurt as she took a step back, “Does your brand new king know about his protégée’s penchant for turning things aflame with her eyes?”.

She swallowed, hands shaking as she stared at him.

“What, you thought they wouldn’t tell me?” Hengist teased, cruelly pleased, “Now sit down and eat your dinner, child, before I grow bored of you”.

Morgana complied mechanically, before she even knew she was doing it, and grabbed the cutlery in silence.

She didn’t utter one more word the whole evening.

  
***  
  


Gwen had helped Sir Leon set camp as soon as the horses looked like they needed a break and she was trying to light a fire while Sir Grant pestered Arthur about his many wins during the latest training matches, when she heard the sound of crunching leaves. She unsheathed her sword and looked around as she tried to track its source, only to be surprised by the sight of a sweaty Merlin walking into the clearing while leading a clearly overworked horse with him by the leash.

“Merlin!” Gwen, Arthur and Leon all said in unison.

Sir Grant just groaned.

  
***  
  


Morgana had laid in the dark for exactly four minutes before a voice called for her. She startled into sitting up and she looked around the small place, trying to understand if she had made it up.

“Lady Morgana. Look up” the voice whispered and she turned to the small window that faced into a hallway. She dragged a stool to the wall and climbed, looking outside to be faced with Lancelot’s concerned face.

“I know you might not remember me-” he started, with a sheepish smile that Morgana assumed made a lot of women -and men- swoon.

“I remember” she interrupted him, unimpressed. She had never been swayed by any man’s charm and she wasn’t going to start now.

Lancelot licked his lips nervously and grabbed the bars of the window.

“I know you have no reason to trust me since you don’t know me, but-” he started, dark eyes sparkling kindly in the soft hue of the torches as shadows played on his hair.

“Aren’t you Merlin’s friend?” Morgana asked pointedly, digging her fingers against the stone and tiptoeing on the stool to look behind him.

Lancelot huffed a short laughter in surprise and he nodded.

“That is reason enough for me” she said, still checking to see if someone was going to discover them.

“He is a rather good judge of character, isn’t he?” Lancelot replied with a fond smile.

Morgana’s mouth curved into a complicit smirk as she nodded her agreement.

“I have just heard Hengist talk to Kendrick” Lancelot continued, nervously, “He sent word to Camelot to set up a meeting but I doubt he will release you right away. He is going to wait until he sees how much Arthur is willing to pay and then he’ll consider whether releasing you or asking for more”.

Morgana nodded in understanding, resigned that she was going to be at the mercy of Hengist for longer than she had imagined.

“I could- I could help you” Lancelot whispered, trying to give her a comforting smile that looked more like an uncomfortable grimace.

“I appreciate your offer but if you got caught you’d be killed” she said, fixing her hair behind her ear as it kept falling into her face, “Arthur is going to send someone for me anyway. I advise you to just wait this out”.

“I- I-” he said, conflicted, “I don’t like seeing an innocent person locked into a cell. I know I’m not the upstanding model of righteousness these days but- but the way Hengist treats people makes my blood turn cold in my veins. He is despicable”.

Morgana hesitated before looking at him determinately, no accusation nor judgement in her eyes.

“Then why are you here?” she asked plainly.

Lancelot winced, fingers tightening around the bars.

“I had too many expectations for my life but as the world keeps reminding me, we all have to compromise ourselves at one point or another” he explained, sorrowfully, “I gave up my hopes to do some good because there is too much evil to be countered and even though I tried, I simply am not enough. I have my skills with a sword to fall back on, though, and I have been using them to earn myself a living… It seems like my destiny isn’t to make a change but only to entertain men like Hengist”.

Lancelot shrugged, trying to mask his pain with a weak smile. Morgana studied his words carefully for a second, trying to understand this man that was probably going to be the only friendly face she was going to see for a while. He was a man of honor, she had thought, and he did not kill his opponent during his fight, which made her think he was not one to waste a life, but he was clearly a jaded man. She almost felt sorry for the cards life had lent him, but she had herself and her own hand to worry over.

“I look forward to seeing you released and safe, my Lady” Lancelot added when he saw she made no effort in filling the silence, as if a platitude could make Morgana feel better while she was imprisoned and injured -and with mud caking her knees.

Morgana bit her bottom lip as she grabbed the bars and leaned in.

“I have a request to make” she said, hating how nervous she sounded.

“Anything” he guaranteed instantly and Morgana almost smiled. She could see why Merlin had considered lying for the sake of this man.

“I need to know… I need to know something. Merlin and my maid were with me when I was taken and I don’t- I don’t know if they’re even still alive” she said, desperation starting to trickle in her voice, “Maybe if you could ask around what came to be of them, maybe, I-. I would be so grateful”.

“Merlin and your maid?” Lancelot asked, eyes widening with fear and urgency, “Guinevere?”.

“You know her?” Morgana said, frowning deeper. Lancelot nodded, a sad look in his eyes, and Morgana gathered it was best not to ask further.

“I will ask for you, my Lady, and I hope to bring you good news” he promised softly and Morgana felt some pressure lift from her shoulders.

“Thank you” she said, feeling close to tears as Lancelot bowed his head as much as he could in the small space before the window and then stood, leaving her alone once again. She crawled into the prison bed in silence and curled into herself, closing her eyes and thinking only of Gwen’s arms around her.

  
***  
  


Gwen wasn’t unhappy Merlin had followed them but she sure wasn’t happy either. Arthur, on the other hand, was very displeased and also very loud in expressing it.

“Are you brain damaged?” he asked, pacing back and forth and throwing his hands up to the sky.

Merlin huffed a small ‘ _heh_ ’ under his breath, poking the fire with a stick before sitting down more comfortably, unfazed by Arthur’s meltdown. Gwen reckoned he had witnessed way too many of them over the course of over a year to be impressed.

“It’s a fair question, since you were hit in the head so hard you couldn’t even _walk_ ” Arthur continued, sounding more and more hysterical as he went on.

Leon sat next to Merlin, patting him on the back in solidarity and Merlin smiled at him, dimples popping out.

“You are to turn back around, do you hear me?” Arthur said, minaciously, bending slightly to wave a finger in his face so close that any further movement would have made it end up in Merlin’s mouth.

Gwen sighed and went to fill up their water skins to the creek, the sound of Arthur’s screams becoming just background. When she was back in front of the fire, she handed Merlin a water skin and shook her head at him.

“You’re the most stubborn person I have ever met” she said with a fond smile and Arthur groaned beside her.

“Don’t say that like it’s a compliment, Guinevere, or he will literally _never_ stop being like this” he complained, fingers digging against his eyelids. He dropped his hands from his face and flopped down on the ground, looking exhausted.

Gwen shared a private eyeroll with Merlin at the king’s teatrics before she joined them on the ground around the fire.

“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Merlin asked, hugging his knees as he looked at Arthur on the other side of the stuttering flames. Sir Grant glared at him viciously, clearly jealous about how Arthur seemed to not balk at Merlin’s intimate tone.

“There’s no plan involving you, so stop asking” Arthur warned, shooting daggers with his eyes. Sir Grant beamed smugly and Gwen reined in the urge to smack him. She was ever so glad she would never have to deal with men in the matter of love, because the more she was in men's company, the more she found them completely ridiculous.

“Arthur is going to use us as distraction while he rescues Morgana on his own and then he is going to pretend like his plan wasn’t obvious to everyone the whole time” Leon stage whispered, leaning his shoulders against Merlin with an amused smirk as Arthur choked on his water and spluttered it all over himself.

Sir Grant gave a scandalised look at Leon, who just shrugged. Gwen repressed a laugh as she watched Sir Grant push a hand against his chest as if he had been deeply hurt by Leon’s accusations.

“Sir Leon, I am appalled that you would talk about our king like this” he said, voice horrifyingly high as Arthur grimaced beside him in embarrassment.

Gwen exhaled hard through her nose, hiding her smile behind her hand, and Leon shot her a quick complicit smile of his own.

“Well” Arthur said, hand ruffling his hair at the back of his head, “He is not wrong”.

Sir Grant gaped at him in shock.

Arthur cleared his throat loudly and then pushed himself to his feet, pointing to the woods.

“I am- I have to take care of- yes” he stammered while he left awkwardly.

Merlin snickered as Leon knocked their shoulders together and Sir Grant looked at them in disapproval before tailing Arthur.

“My Lord!” he called out, and Gwen pitied Arthur for a hot second before turning to Merlin and growing serious once again.

“How are you?” she asked softly, sliding to sit on the other side of him and reaching out to squeeze his wrist.

“You had us all worried” Leon added.

“I was pretty beat down but Gaius gave me a potion that worked like a charm” Merlin said, winking secretly at Gwen and she nodded back, understanding his double meaning. Relief washed over her as she let go of the fear that had gripped her since first seeing Merlin’s empty and dazed eyes more than twelve hours ago. There was no longer any need to worry he was going to faint and never wake up.

Leon patted Merlin once again on the back before standing up.

“I should go save Arthur from Sir Grant before he talks his ear off” he said with a sigh, leaving them alone.

As soon as he was out of hearing range, Merlin’s head snapped towards Gwen and he started talking.

“Morgana sent me a message, she is okay” he said, and a different kind of relief spread through Gwen like a balm, “She told me where the fortress is, but we already knew that. She added instructions on how to arrive at her cell and how many men are guarding her, which will be difficult to explain to Arthur without telling him how I know that. She also asked me to write back but I thought that was too risky”.

Gwen tucked a loose curl back under her ear and she took a deep sigh as her shoulders fell. She felt like she was seconds away from melting on the ground.

“You were right by being cautious” she comforted, kicking the small rocks under her feet to the side and watching them roll away.

“Any message could have reached her while she wasn’t alone, I couldn’t take a gamble like that” Merlin said, fingers worrying the hem of his jacket as he stared at the fire pensively.

He yawned and she placed her head on his shoulder, looping their arms together.

“I was going to stay behind this time” he confessed, looking almost ashamed, “I feel so tired and it took a huge amount of effort and magic to make the pain go away so that I could follow you here”.

Gwen closed her eyes, squeezing his forearm before rocking him a little.

“You should probably sleep for the few hours we’ll stay here” she advised, voice soft as she felt him grow more relaxed.

“I know” he murmured, still staring right ahead.

They took comfort in each other’s presence, surrounded by the darkness of the moonless night, and waited.

  
***  
  


The next morning, Arthur woke Merlin up by kicking him in the shins and calling him a useless toad. Gwen had already been awake, feeding the horses and getting them ready for the day. Sir Leon had stirred awake just as soon as she had started shuffling around, even though she had tried to be as silent as possible. She reckoned it was useless trying to be quiet while surrounded by trained soldiers. Sir Grant had blinked awake and glared wearily while Leon stood up to help Gwen around. The other two knights, sir Leonard and sir Tiberius, had settled camp further from them to keep a better eye on their surroundings, but they were quick to join their king once he had awakened.

Arthur hadn’t really slept much during the night, but he had still been the fourth person to rise, cleaning the boots he hadn’t even taken off while sleeping.

When they were all ready, he reluctantly showcased his plan as plainly as he could.

Sir Grant hanged from his every word, chiming in once in a while with a ‘ _yes, sire_ ’. Arthur just ignored his blatant need for his attention and kept riding next to Gwen and Merlin while Leon dealt with the overzealous knight.

They parted ways at the pass that led to the Mountains of Andor, Sir Leon bowing his head respectfully and Sir Grant glaring before bowing his head even lower to Arthur.

Gwen was glad to see the four knights disappear from her view, even though she was going to miss Leon. He was the only knight who had never treated her with condescension ever since she took her job at the castle. Well, apart from a man who had been a knight for a grand total of one day, but she chased away thoughts of him as she had done ever since Lancelot had left. There was no use in reminiscing.

The moment they arrived at the mouth of the tunnels of Andor, Gwen started to feel tendrils of apprehension licking at her mind.

“Are you sure this is the safest way?” Merlin asked, wiping his eyes as he yawned. Arthur glared.

“I said this was the _fastest_ way” he countered, dismounting his horse and lending a hand to Gwen to help her do the same. Merlin shuffled awkwardly off his mare and landed with a displeased huff.

“You know, I’m surprised Sir Grant didn’t protest when you told him you were bringing two servants with you as your backup” Merlin said dryly, looking around their new surroundings.

“I am not bringing either of you willingly, since you forced your way in and I’m tired of arguing. Besides, _Sir Grant_ knows better than to challenge my orders” Arthur said darkly, with a pointed look his way. Gwen blinked as Merlin’s ears turned scarlet. She turned her back on them and chuckled quietly as she secured her horse to a sturdy tree.

Merlin mumbled something under his breath as he did the same.

This was it. Gwen was going to follow these two men into dark tunnels that she knew from old childhood ghost stories and they were going to somehow emerge on the other side to bring Morgana back.

“Arthur” she said, hands shaking slightly and her king nodded at her like she didn’t need to say another word.

“I don’t like that” Merlin said nervously, fingers pointing at Arthur’s pinched face, “We’re going to die in there, are we?”.

“Merlin…” Gwen began in a placating tone but Arthur was quicker to answer.

“The tunnels are more dangerous than I led you to believe, yes… They are… infested with Wilddeoren”.

Merlin gave him a blank look, indicating he didn’t know what he was talking about. Arthur sighed.

“Wilddeoren are very big and aggressive creatures, Merlin, but like anything else in this world they have a weak point” Gwen assured him, “They are completely blind and hunt by sense of smell alone”.

Arthur nodded in agreement before bending down over a bush.

“Gaia berries will put them off our scent. So, if we smear ourselves with them, we can pass through the tunnels undetected” he said, feigning confidence in a way that was painfully clear to anyone who actually knew him. Gwen accepted the purple berries he handed to her anyway, crushing them in her palms and doing her best not to recoil at the disgusting smell.

Merlin, on the other hand, did not bother to hide his displeasure.

“These are nasty” he lamented and Arthur grunted.

“So you’d rather be eaten alive?” the king snapped, even though the effect was dampened by the dark red berry juice all over his face.

Merlin just grabbed more berries in response and Gwen felt the corners of her mouth twitching up into a brief and involuntary smile.

The three of them turned towards the tunnels at the same time and if Gwen sneaked a hand into Merlin’s to steel herself while they were going in, no one had to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> opsie, this was supposed to be a very VERY quick chapter to bring lancelot back in the gang but then it got out of hand and i had to split it in two chapters... sorry you'll have to endure hengist for just a little more time... let me know if you liked my twist on the episode 2x04 or if you think it was dumb or whatevs... see you next week, hopefully <3


	8. Blood in The Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgana is rescued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit im sorry i kinda got depressed and forgot this existed lmao anyways here's the resolution to the mess i left y'all with... also i have to confess, i am posting this without even spellchecking so if it's an incoherent disaster i apologise!! see you at the end of it.

Lancelot had been glad to be able to bring at least one sliver of good news to the Lady Morgana, the day after their midnight chat.

He had walked warily down the corridors of Hegist’s fortress, ensuring their privacy before falling on his knees in front of the small window that faced into the cell.

“Lady Morgana” he whispered and a flutter of noise alerted him that she was right under the window, as if she had been waiting for him. His heart clenched.

“Lancelot” she acknowledged with a sharp nod, green eyes never faltering as her face poked behind the bars.

“I bring you good news” he said with a comforting smile and noticed Morgana’s shoulders relaxing minutely, “Just after dawn, a couple of Hengist’s men came back from where you last saw them with a really big headache while many others had died… They were being teased over the way two servants have knocked them out and escaped. I didn’t even have to ask around, they were basically being shouted at in the dining hall until fifteen minutes ago”.

Morgana’s fingers clenched around the bars, eyes glittering with tears of relief. Lancelot bowed his head a little, giving her a couple of moments to gather herself anew.

“Thank you” she whispered in return and Lancelot gave her a dismissive smile.

“I only wish to help you, my Lady. If you have any other need-” he began but Morgana sharply shook her head.

“I trust that Arthur will be here to bring me home before dinner” she said firmly, as if there wasn’t anything else she believed in apart from that one sentence. Lancelot understood her unwavering faith and even though he couldn’t presume to know Arthur better than she did, he knew enough to be certain that Arthur was not going to fail her. Inadequacy swam in his mind as he realised just how better than him Arthur was always going to be.

It was part of the reason he had resigned himself to a life devoid of honor.

Lancelot nodded but he still didn’t drop it.

“If you need anything, water or food or something warm to wrap around yourself, you can ask me. I am more than willing to help” he offered stubbornly and Morgana looked almost annoyed before she erupted in a small laugh. It was sharp but not unkind.

“Lancelot” she said, and it was the first time she had ever used her name, which sounded strange on her lips, as if it wasn’t meant to ever be pronounced by someone so unlike him, so above him, “I really don’t think all this worry is necessary. Everything will be over soon enough”.

Lancelot found himself admiring her in a way he didn’t think possible. Despite her injuries and the fear she must undoubtedly be haunted by, Morgana was unwavering in her strength. She hadn’t been anything but fierce and stoic and Lancelot was impressed by the way she set her jaw and faced this danger at face value. He knew she was not going to feel sorry for herself for even one second. Lancelot tapped the bars of the window distractedly before nodding at her.

“I can only wish you good luck, then” he said, feeling useless.

“That I can accept” she said with a wry smile.

Lancelot rose from his crouched position while she climbed away from the small window, and just like that, he left her alone again.

He felt extremely guilty. Maybe, if he had known what Arthur was planning, he could have helped. He desperately wanted to.

He wished to feel like himself again, instead of a purposeless good-for-nothing who fought to entertain warlords in their slimy fortresses. He remembered the last letter he sent to Merlin months ago, when he was still searching for a place to settle down. He had stayed in that village for six weeks before realising there was no work to do, no people to save, no friend to protect, and the night he left the inn he was sleeping in, he had heard about how mercenaries everywhere were going to flock to Mercia to earn some money with their swords. He had looked down at his tattered dirty clothes and thought that maybe this was a sign. Maybe this was what he was supposed to become. So he didn’t fight it.

He joined the flood of cruel looking men to Hengist’s fortress and that had been it. He hadn’t expected to run into someone he knew. He hadn’t expected to be brought back to face the memories of a life he dreamed of since childhood and only had for one day.

Here he was now, though, and the exhaustion felt suffocating.

If he could prove to himself that he could help Morgana, maybe he could finally prove he wasn’t worthless. But there wasn’t much he could do when his help wasn’t wanted.

His resolve only strengthened, though. He decided to keep close, observing carefully until his chance to help arose. Lancelot was nothing if not a man of patience, even though other virtues were clearly lost on him.

He had this covered, he thought, the weight of his sword in its sheath a familiar comfort at his side.

And so the hours flew, while news reached him that Camelot’s knights were going to discuss the ransom and its exchange on their side of the border just after barely crossing the mountains of Andor, which were going to take a while to traverse if memory served him right.

Gathering what he knew of Arthur, he thought he was probably going to come to the fortress itself instead of playing nice and paying up. He must have sent his men as a diversion and while they played the parts of negotiators, he was going to sneak in and save Morgana himself. Lancelot was satisfied with his reasoning, because after all, it was exactly what he would do in Arthur’s place.

When a new realisation dawned on him, he smiled to himself and stopped wandering aimlessly through the corridors of this repugnant makeshift arena.

He knew where to wait for Arthur.

  
***  
  


Merlin hadn’t liked the tunnels, he had completely loathed the Wilddeoren and he had been very very angry when he realised Arthur was more relieved his plan worked than he should have been.

Rubbing his face clean with the help of a nearby creek, he felt his anger steam off of him in rivulets but Arthur was too proud and stubborn to acknowledge it. Gwen had stayed in her own corner quietly, almost amused at their antics. If Merlin hadn’t known better, he wouldn’t have noticed her nervousness.

He understood her. To be honest, he wasn’t sure there could be anyone else that could understand her more than he did. The woman she loved was in danger. He was glad, though, that at least she didn’t have to be alone in this. He could take some of her worry and responsibility and make it his own, lighting her up as much as he could. That was something he would never underestimate, since he had never had someone do it for him. He had shouldered the duty of saving Arthur again and again all on his own, so it was only fair that he helped Gwen handling this.

It had taken several long hours to emerge from the tunnels and it was already dusk. He had to shake himself out of his own mind and focus on their mission.

If he hadn’t turned his attention to their surroundings he wouldn’t have heard the noise of someone moving in the trees beside them over the sound of Arthur and Gwen already strategizing.

He turned sharply towards the sound, hand hastily stretched out to fend off anyone who might harm them. When a man he hadn’t thought he would meet again poked his head from behind a tree with his hands up and a teasing smile, Merlin felt his heart jump in his throat. Mindless of the smell that still lingered on him despite his efforts to wash it away, and forgetting for one beautiful second of Arthur behind him, he laughed and crossed the distance between them to hug Lancelot to his chest.

“What are you doing here?” he said way too happily, squeezing the man so tight he felt almost sorry about it, but Lancelot hugged him just as tightly and Merlin forgot to care.

He didn’t even hear Arthur and Gwen talking behind them, much too absorbed in this reunion than he probably should let himself be in front of others.

“It’s a rather long story” Lancelot said, hiding his face in Merlin’s hair for a fraction of a second, causing warmth to spread throughout Merlin’s lower belly.

“And that’s a rather long hug” Arthur mumbled almost too quietly behind them, but Merlin heard it anyway, blushing furiously as he remembered himself and stepped away. He fixed his tunic mechanically while Lancelot looked at him with a sparkle in his eyes.

Merlin refused to let him affect him any further and, ashamed, turned towards his friends.

“Uhm” he said, eloquently.

Arthur had his arms crossed firmly over his chest, eyes narrowed in suspicion, while Gwen looked apologetic and more than a bit embarrassed.

“We have no time to stand around to listen to you” the king said, pointing ahead where a tiny clearing pours into a wide stretch of road that leads to the fortress they can see in the distance.

“Thankfully I can walk and talk at the same time, sire” Lancelot said with a wide smile that sent butterflies swarming in Merlin’s stomach. Reminding himself that this was not the time at all to indulge with this stupid old infatuation, he patted Lancelot’s back and walked behind him while he turned to explain his presence to Arthur.

“Hengist is famous to hold fights and gambles in his fortress, your Majesty, and I regret to say I’ve had to partake in his particularly despicable form of entertainment to earn a living in the last five weeks” Lancelot was saying, head bowed respectfully, “Even though Hengist returned only yesterday after being away for several months, probably already planning Lady Morgana’s abduction”.

Arthur was walking beside him with a dangerous expression in his eyes, stomping on the ground rather than stepping on it. Merlin tried not to read too much in his sudden hostility towards Lancelot. After all, even though the lies had strained their tentative camaraderie, he thought they had parted in relatively good terms. Apparently, Merlin was dead wrong.

The four of them walked briskly next to each other under the setting sun.

“I have tried to aid her while in captivity” Lancelot added hesitatingly and Merlin slid a hand in Gwen’s to give it a friendly squeeze, knowing how difficult it must be for her. Both Arthur and Lancelot followed the motion closely with matching furrowed eyebrows and Merlin reeled a little in confusion. Gwen smiled at him even though she had clearly noticed the sudden attention floating their way. Merlin resolved to keep his hands to himself for the rest of their walk, tucking them in his pockets.

“She told me it was no use trying to rescue her, since she knew you were coming for her” Lancelot continued, the brief awkward moment dismissed.

Arthur snorted haughtily and quickened his pace a little.

“And it was easy for me to guess your strategy, so I decided to wait for you outside the tunnels” Lancelot concluded, with a light shrug, matching Arthur’s pace automatically, “I am here to help, your Majesty. I will gladly lend my sword and my skills to you”.

Arthur scoffed, looking like he had a right mind to tell him where he could shove his sword, but to Merlin’s relief he didn’t say anything like that.

“I guess I can’t really say no” he grunted, huffing through his nose like an angry horse, “That is, if I can even trust you”.

“Of course, your Majesty” Lancelot replied eagerly, hand at the handle of his sword while he bowed his head officiously in Arthur’s direction, posture and countenance drawing the perfect picture of the perfect knight, “I know how to reach Lady Morgana’s cell and the positions of the various entrances, both secret and public”.

Merlin ached a little at how Lancelot clearly felt like he had to prove himself all over again, but he smothered the feeling and kept walking.

Arthur nodded begrudgingly and Merlin focused on the set line of his shoulders while he started to engage in strategies with Lancelot and Gwen. He let their voices slip away from his mind, trusting them enough to let his eyes wander for a second, lost in how Arthur’s hair glowed in the last rays of the dying sun.

  
***  
  


If Gwen hadn’t been too preoccupied with thoughts of Morgana, she would have been way more annoyed at the three men who were camping out the fortress with her. But she didn’t have time to care about their little jealousy plays, mind focused on how to get her own love back.

Though, she had to admit she was glad for Lancelot’s fortuitous arrival, since his knowledge of the fortress had been incredibly helpful. They had had to slightly reshape their plan, but now it stood on sturdier foundations and they were all pretty confident in it. Before exiting the tunnels, Gwen had gathered that after scouting the grounds around the fortress to get to know the field and after waiting for the next morning to come, they were just going to wing it, but now she replayed the directions Lancelot had given them with more tranquillity that she had hoped for.

She settled down on the ground, closing her eyes as she folded her hands under her cheek.

Behind her, Lancelot and Merlin were sitting on the same side of a very small and inconspicuous fire while Arthur started to go over their plan for the hundredth time.

“My Lord” she called, opening one eye to glare at him, “We know what we need to do tomorrow morning. You do not need to explain it again, you can go to sleep”.

Merlin smirked at the way Arthur flushed involuntarily, hiding his face in the arms he had folded over his knees. Lancelot knocked their shoulders together and Gwen closed her eyes again to avoid having to see Arthur turn jealous and petty again. She had had enough of it.

“Go to sleep, all of you” she ordered, even though she knew none of them was going to listen to her. Satisfied with the silence that fell among them, she let herself be lulled to sleep by the steady crackle of the fire, glad once again that she would never have to deal with a man in love.

  
***  
  


Arthur didn’t need to know exactly what was going on between Merlin and Lancelot to know he didn’t like it. But since they all had a way more pressing issue to tend to, he set it aside as much as he could. Anyway, he had promised himself that he wasn’t going to be jealous of Merlin any longer. Even though at the time he had thought that his only competition was Will and now here he was, fervently wishing that Lancelot would disappear quicker than he had appeared and suddenly overly aware of how close Gwen and Merlin were. He felt himself going crazy. How many people did Merlin have at his feet? How was this even possible?

These traitorous thoughts paled, though, in comparison to his worry for the person Arthur considered his sister and closest -albeit annoying- confidant.

Thus, he filed away his jealousy and guiltily reviewed their revisioned plan over and over in his mind, even though he logically knew Gwen couldn’t hear him. And still, he wished he could follow her order and finally sleep while Lancelot held watch. Unsurprisingly, he laid on his side and stared into the fire while Gwen and Merlin slept peacefully.

He was so tired that he didn’t balk in outrage when he saw Lancelot’s hand slide through Merlin’s hair in his sleep, too busy thinking of whether or not Morgana had been able to sleep at all.

“How was she?” Arthur suddenly says, enjoying it perhaps too much when Lancelot jumped in surprise at the sound of his voice. The man blushed, folding his hands together in his lap and staring at the ground.

“Sire, I thought you were sleeping” he said, anxiously, and Arthur reckoned it was time to let go a little. He figured he didn’t really need to be a raging bastard all the time.

“Don’t worry” he said, dismissively, even though he longed to be able to touch Merlin that way, to know if his hair felt as soft as it looked, “Now tell me about Morgana. Do you know if she’s eating at all? Has she been sleeping?”.

“Hengist held a feast in her honor” Lancelot said, still avoiding to look his way, “And even though I was leaving I saw her eating, sire. Hengist is a pig, but he would not starve her”.

Arthur nodded, relieved despite himself. There was nothing to be relieved about if he didn’t bring her to safety first.

“I think the fight has left some injuries but they were clearly minimal, if perhaps draining on her strength… I do not know if she has been able to sleep, though, and I’m sorry I couldn’t help her more” Lancelot continued, jaw clenching, and Arthur was suddenly hit by the notion of how handsome Lancelot actually was. It did not help his mood at all.

“She wouldn’t have let you” Arthur said, unaware of the reason why he felt the need to comfort this man all of a sudden. It was probably because of his big brown eyes.

His words seemed to have a positive effect as Lancelot finally lifted those same eyes on him to send a tentative smile his way. And, yes, Arthur admitted to himself, it was definitely the eyes.

“She has indeed proved stubborn that way, sire” he said, before turning his face away again.

Arthur didn’t feel the need to fill the new silence that had established between them, and turned on his other side to stare at the fortress, which was probably too close. They should have settled their camp somewhere more secure, but he had trusted Lancelot when he assured them it was going to work just fine.

If Lancelot had gone back to stroking Merlin’s hair, Arthur had no way of knowing. With a pang of loneliness, he closed his eyes and focused on what tomorrow was sure to bring.

  
***  
  


Breakfast had been quick and unsatisfying, but Arthur didn’t have time to worry about it. He waited for Lancelot to bring news, to tell them whether Hengist was too sure of himself that he was going to bring Morgana with him to meet the knights, or if he was enough of an asshole to leave her rotting in her cell until he had reached the exact amount of money he wanted. Unsurprisingly, they all knew what the answer was going to be.

When he saw Lancelot signaling them that the coast was clear, Arthur and Merlin sneaked in after him while Gwen guarded the hidden door through which they were going to escape later on when they had secured Morgana in their custody.

“Hengist left two hours ago” Lancelot said in a low whisper as he showed them inside through the main door, looking sure enough of himself that no one looked at them twice, ”He brought a lot of men with him, clearly thinking that meeting your knights was the main event today but he left two henchmen to guard the Lady Morgana’s cell and five more just outside of the dungeons”.

“We all know what to do, right?” Arthur asked, fixing the ugly and way too dirty tunic Lancelot had given him to make him blend in.

Lancelot and Merlin nodded in unison and they parted their ways. While Lancelot was going to keep their escape route clear, Merlin was going to distract the five men on watch outside the dungeons and Arthur was going to reach Morgana’s cell through a side corridor that was meant for servants so that he could sneak behind the two guards and knock them out.

He walked quickly, keeping an eye out and trying to look as at ease with himself as he could. For him it was clear by the way he walked that he was a soldier on a mission, so he slowed a little and pretended he was strolling through the walls of his castle in Camelot, as if he was just taking a walk to stretch his legs.

When he finally arrived in the dungeons, the first thing he noticed was two guards on the floor and an open wooden door. He hurried inside only to see Merlin gently shaking Morgana awake.

“How the hell did you get here so fast?” Arthur asked in an incredulous whisper.

Merlin shrugged.

“And how did you knock them all out on your own?” Arthur added but was only met by another shrug.

He wanted to inquire further but firmly shut up when he saw Morgana dazedly opening her eyes.

She clutched Merlin’s forearms in surprise and then threw her arms around his neck, hiding her face against his neck. Arthur blinked in confusion, his mind petulantly going _Oh for heaven’s sake, not her too_ , before dismissing his jealous thoughts as utterly ridiculous and assuming she was just happy she was being rescued. Merlin and Morgana had never even spent five minutes alone, anyway. Or had they?

Arthur grunted, taking charge of the situation as he went back outside and scouted ahead, looking impressed at how Merlin had apparently knocked seven men unconscious. When they were back home, he was going to have so many questions, but now he backtracked to Morgana’s cell, nudging her and Merlin towards the side corridor.

“Lancelot and Gwen are waiting for us” Arthur said, squeezing Morgana’s wrist softly to try to show some affection.

Morgana, even though clearly exhausted, marched alongside them towards the far end of the corridor, taking a route that brought them the opposite way Arthur had come in. After what felt like a lifetime but was only less than half an hour, they saw Lancelot’s face in the faint shadows of yet another closed off corridor.

“Hurry” Lancelot said and Arthur barely had time to notice blood on his face before he was being shoved further and deeper into the foundations of this fortress.

The closer they got to their only possible exit, the faster they walked, urgency taking the precedence over caution.

When they were finally outside, sliding out in the open one after the other while Gwen held the door open, Arthur took a deep breath to try to get the smell of mold out of his nose.

They didn’t have time to cheer, filing out in an orderly manner towards the woods, where they had to run as soon as they were out of sight. By Arthur’s calculations, they had twenty hours before their rendezvous with sir Leon and the other knights, but he did not intend to lose even one second of advantage.

They reached the mouth of the tunnels in barely less than forty minutes and Arthur knew that by now Morgana’s disappearance had been noted, even though he recognised that anyone looking for them here was highly improbable. The tunnels of Andor had always been notorious for how no one who entered them came out alive, as was promised by the scary stories his old nanny used to tell him to make him behave. Arthur didn’t think Merlin would appreciate it if he told him just to what extent he had lied to him before crossing the tunnels for the first time, and he sure as hell was never going to tell him. He hadn’t actually considered every option, though, as he realised when Morgana turned an accusing look at him.

“The tunnels of Andor?” she asked, incredulous, “The one from the old myths? The tunnels infested with men devouring beasts?”.

“Old myths?” Merlin perked up, turning towards him with his hands on his hips in his typical scolding pose.

Arthur rolled his eyes at Morgana, bent on ignoring his manservant as much as he could.

“We already came through these tunnels once and nothing bad happened” he assured her, scratching his neck where his tunic made him itch. He realised he still was in borrowed -and dirty- clothes and he grimaced as he started to scratch even harder. Silently, Merlin retrieved his blessedly still mostly clean tunic from the satchel he always carried with him and pushed it into his face, before turning away from him and mumbling insults under his breath.

“We have to cover ourselves in disgustingly smelly berries, I’ll show you” he said to Lancelot, pointing towards a bush.

Arthur changed back into his own clothes as fast as he could, while Gwen and Morgana rested on a high flat rock, hands clasped together tightly.

“Could we stay here just for five more minutes?” Morgana asked, pushing her fingers against her sweaty forehead, and Arthur knew it took a lot from her to admit she needed a pause. He nodded sharply and went to gather some purple berries for himself, taking more time than strictly needed. He tried to ignore Merlin and Lancelot’s hushed voices not far from him and focused on his one task.

“I need water” he heard Morgana say after a while, before a light shuffling noise told him she had tried to stand up but had fallen down to sit back on the rock again when her legs didn’t prove themselves strong enough.

“I will bring it to you, my Lady, no need to overexert yourself” Gwen’s soft voice replied.

Arthur smashed his own handful of purple gaia berries with more animosity than the task required, thinking about how much he wanted to wring Hengist’s neck. But since he didn’t even know the man’s face, it was probably going to be just a personal unfulfilled dream of his.

He spread the gaia berries’ remains over his cheek, thinking grimly about how he was nearly accustomed to its foul smell, and then snatched a couple more, walking back to Morgana.

He crushed the purple berries in his fist and offered it to her, who glared at his hand as if it was the prime cause of her suffering.

“It’s the only way to pass the Wilddeoren undetected” he said, trying to sound as apologetic as he could, and Morgana sighed before gathering some of the dark red mess with her fingers and tentatively smearing her neck with it.

“This is the worst rescue I have ever witnessed” she complained, wrinkling her nose as she covered her forehead and cheeks as well. Arthur smiled brightly at her, knowing it would only make her more annoyed. When he deemed them all sufficiently smelly, Arthur gathered them to sit briefly around Morgana.

“Now… I’m saying this for Lancelot and Morgana’s sake since the three of us already know how this works” he said, clapping his hands once, “We will need to go slow and it will take us many hours. The tunnels are indeed quite long but otherwise not complicated to get around. The path will be pretty straightforward from a certain point until we reach the other side, but we need to be as silent as possible so we don’t become the Wilddeoren’s lunch. At the slightest sound of movement that isn’t the five of us, everyone must go completely still. If a Wilddeoren turns to you, don’t even take a breath and absolutely don’t move”.

Lancelot nodded diligently at his instructions while Morgana rolled her eyes, undoubtedly thinking he was being overdramatic.

“Do you still need to rest?” he asked her with a huff, not even trying to dodge her weak punch at his shoulder.

“I could fight ten Wilddeoren and then still have enough energy to knock you off your arse” she replied, green eyes narrowing in challenge. Arthur huffed a short laugh and then stood up on his feet.

Something told him Morgana was going to be just fine.

  
***  
  


Gwen had initially tried to keep herself from touching Morgana too much, but once she realised how Morgana actually needed her support to wade through the trees and then to stumble through the dark tunnels, she let her hands do very much what they pleased.

Gwen had held Morgana close to her, fingers squeezing her waist from time to time as if she needed a reminder that she really was once again with her, safe.

Morgana hadn’t had any protest and had simply touched in return.

Before they had entered the tunnels Gwen had held Morgana’s chin with two fingers and examined her face thoroughly, nodding to herself when she had been satisfied with what she had found.

“It’s going to be alright” Gwen remembers telling her, “We’re going to cross the tunnels and then we’re going to rest until Leon and the other knights come to find us once they’ve finished distracting Hengist. We’re going to be home by tomorrow evening, and I will have the kitchens make your favourite”.

She should have realised sooner than that was wishful thinking.

When the five of them finally reached the other side of the tunnels which ran under the mountains, the armed men waiting for them shouldn’t have been a surprise.

  
***  
  


Morgana was exhausted but adrenaline cursed through her as she stepped further out into the light on the other side of the mountains of Andor, with Gwen and Lancelot close behind her. Her heart started beating faster and faster as Hengist and Kendrick looked at the five of them, blood staining their clothes.

Not far from them, sir Leon and sir Grant were on their knees, dirty swords held beneath their chins to keep them quiet.

Arthur, who had been leading them through the tunnels, immediately pushed a hand behind him, covering them with his own body. Morgana could hear the hiss of air through his teeth as he tried not to curse out loud.

They were flanked on both sides. Hengist had been smart enough to hide from the main entrance so that anyone coming through the tunnels wouldn’t have seen them until they were several feet outside.

Morgana felt every hope she held crumbling as she counted just by how many men they were outnumbered. Her heart clenched at the thought that now they were all going to die and it was going to be her fault.

“My, my…” Hengist said, smugness ringing in his voice, “I am ever so glad the king is paying us a visit”.

Arthur’s hand twitched behind his back and Morgana suddenly knew what she had to do.

She took a step back slowly, pushing Gwen and Lancelot further behind, sending them a look that she hoped they understood. Gwen nodded, already retreating closer to the mouth of the tunnel, but they clearly weren’t as stealthy as they thought, because a laugh echoed from Hengist’s men.

Lancelot instinctively stepped in front of the two of them, sword drawn out. Arthur held his forefinger to him, stopping him in his tracks without even turning towards them.

“Are you trying to escape, my Lady?” Hengist mocked, fat belly swaying with the force of his cruel laughter.

“Where are sir Leonard and sir Tiberius?” Merlin asked, peeking over Arthur’s shoulder and aiming his question at sir Leon, who had a black eye and a long cut over his nose.

Sir Leon grimaced, closing his eyes briefly in pain, before opening his bruised and bloody mouth to answer in a hoarse voice when Hengist waved a hand at him in mocking approval.

“They attacked us after just one hour of negotiating… we… we probably weren’t as convincing a distraction as we thought we were” Leon explained, sorrowfully, as he winced, body sagging a little as he failed to keep himself up on his knees, and Morgana regretfully wondered for how long he had been bound and beaten before they made their arrival, “And- and then Sir Leonard was being tortured and Sir Tiberius just… he could not bear it. Sorry, sire, but he told them everything you were planning, probably thinking we would all be spared. I could do nothing to stop him”.

Arthur just nodded once in acknowledgement, and from what Morgana could see of his profile, his face was betraying no emotion. Nonetheless, Morgana noticed his hand on his sword tightening. Morgana clenched her fists at her sides, magic threatening to boil over as her anger made it difficult to control herself. But somehow, it felt different. Maybe it was exhaustion or the constant tension that had been plaguing her, but her magic felt stronger, clearer, as if the less she fought to control it the easier it flowed through her. She thought that maybe it was the right time to let magic take a turn steering her horse, so to speak.

“Of course, sire, I did you a nicety and killed them both… After all, a man who cried that way while being tortured and another who prefers betrayal over pain aren’t worthy of a title as important as that of knights of Camelot” Hengist said with a vicious snort, visibly revelling in the anger that his words caused.

Finally, Arthur spoke at once, head twitching to face Hengist fully, and just like that Morgana no longer had a way of gathering cues from all of his facial tics that she had memorised in her infancy.

“What do you want?” he asked, thumb stroking the hilt of his sword in clear anticipation.

“We’ve been waiting for you, young king…” Hengist mused, scratching his trembling chin, “I thought I wanted your money, but now that you’re in my grasp… I could probably make a lot more if I were to hand you into the custody of dear King Cenred”.

Morgana felt Gwen’s hand on her arm and irrationally felt her anger ebb slowly. She steeled herself, ready to make a far bigger effort to reach out with her magic than the first time she had been captured. She was not going to let her family be hurt again. She was going to protect Gwen, Merlin, Arthur and even Lancelot with all the magic and strength she could spare.

Let magic take the reins, don’t hold onto it too tight or it will evade you she remembered Merlin saying to her during many of their lessons and with a jolt she realised she finally understood fully what he had meant.

“You’re clearly not as smart as you thought you were, but after all you’re young and rash” Hengist added with a half smirk, “You still have so much to learn. Sadly, I don’t think you’ll have the chance”.

“Think carefully before you make threats you cannot rise up to” Arthur taunted and Morgana could envision perfectly the challenging smile he was sporting.

Her patience was wearing thin.

“Are we fighting or not?” she said, irritated, as magic crackled at her fingertips, and this time she knew she would be able to let it all out.

Arthur stiffened at her voice, as more laughter resounded all around them. She widened her stance, ready to pounce.

“We’re sixteen against three men and two women” Kendrick said with a laugh, swirling his sword in the air, and her eyes followed it carefully, knowing that what she had in mind would forever change the way Arthur thought about her.

“I have had worse” Lancelot said with a nonchalant shrug.

Men Morgana thought with irritation.

“We don’t need to fight” Hengist said almost amicably, betrayed by his predatory smile, “You should just drop your fine swords and follow us. No need to touch even one perfect blond hair, your Highness”.

Morgana saw with the corner of her eye the way Merlin tensed even further and she knew this was it.

The fight erupted quickly and silently, as Lancelot and Arthur flanked them. Gwen had unsheathed her sword just as fast as Arthur had, walking in front of Morgana and fending off a rather short mercenary, who probably thought that fighting the slim girl was going to be easy. Morgana didn’t bother to hide her smile when Gwen disarmed him in two moves and stabbed him in the stomach effortlessly, making him fall with a well aimed sweep of her leg. Morgana grabbed his sword off the ground while he clutched at his spilling guts.

“Thank you” she said cheekily to him, wiping the sword on the man’s trousers as if to clean it.

Her gown, which was already tattered on one side, was as uncomfortable as ever, so she reached down with her new sword to tear the bottom half fully off, ensuring there was nothing that could accidentally make her stumble. The hem of her dress now reached just above her knee.

All done, she scanned the field in front of her. Gwen was the closest person to her and had been keeping man after man away from her while she had taken her time making herself comfortable. Lancelot and Arthur were fighting side by side, surrounded by six men, while Merlin flung a seventh man against a tree with a subtly concealed flick of his wrist. Hengist was punching the now unconscious sir Leon as another man choked sir Grant. Morgana thought she could probably take the unknown bandit out in less than two minutes, if the twitch of his nervous hands over sir Grant’s throat and the look in his eyes was any indication.

With a deep breath, she realised she could win this even without magic. She smirked.

“Morgana!” Gwen shouted, looking at her in alarm, but Morgana had only eyes for Hengist.

She started towards the two men, wanting nothing more than to kick some of Hengist’s rotten teeth out of his mouth, but Kendrick suddenly sprung towards her, throwing an arm forward as if to grab her waist with it. She stepped aside easily, swinging her sword against his wrist, bearing it down with enough force that she hit the bone, blood spurting all over her forearm and feet. Kendrick screamed both in surprise and pain, falling on his knees, and she raised her sword to hit him in the face with its hilt. With a satisfying crack, Kendrick’s nose broke. He clutched his face with his uninjured hand, cradling the other against his chest. Morgana elbowed him until he was sprawling at her feet, whimpering. She left him forgotten behind her as she stalked towards Hengist with unbridled fury and on any other day she would have been horrified at the way she liked this. She felt raw energy flowing down her arms and into her hands, and a weird hum was starting to resound from her sword. With a surprised jolt, she noticed in one swift look that a red aura had enveloped her sword.

She was almost close enough to start swinging when a series of pained screams made her limbs freeze.

Mind blank, she turned her head towards Arthur and Merlin who were being pushed on the ground, hands behind their backs, and Lancelot was lying just beside them, clearly unconscious, while Gwen was still up and fighting, but just barely.

“Morgana!” Arthur screamed, mouth dragging in the dirt, “Run!”.

The man to his left grabbed him by the hair and slammed his face on the ground hard enough his whole body went limp.

“No” Merlin shouted, still struggling against the two men who were practically sitting on him to keep him immobilised. 

Morgana’s hand tightened on her sword, magic lashing out and whipping the ground, leaving scorched remains of grass. Arthur couldn’t have seen her before being knocked out, as surrounded and bound as he was, and for one second she wished he did. She wished she could finally show to him what she really was. But that was a thought for another time.

Gwen was swinging her sword expertly, blocking the jibes of two mercenaries at the same time, and she looked wild and absolutely beautiful, until a third man tackled her from behind.

Calculating her odds, Morgana started to slowly retreat.

“Come on, Morgana” Hengist said, “Stop the witchcraft and the fighting. All your friends are down. You cannot save them all by yourself”.

Morgana swallowed roughly. As she saw it, she had two options: let her magic take control and risk hurting her family too, or lure Hengist and his men into the tunnels.

Projecting her powers to draw a protective circle of fire around her, she ran towards the mountains.

  
***  
  


Arthur awoke with a shudder and as soon as full awareness of his body trickled back into him, he regretted everything. Pain was the only thing he knew.

He blinked slowly, eyes burning at the unforgiving light of the sun.

“Arthur” Merlin whispered, sounding extremely relieved, and Arthur felt like he was roughly brought back into his own life as he remembered what had rendered him unconscious in the first place.

His hands were bound behind him, rope digging painfully into his wrists, and he was sprawled next to Merlin, who was sitting up against a tree shoulder to shoulder with Gwen and they both looked way too bloodied up. Anger filled Arthur’s heart as he filed away all of the bruises on their faces.

“How long?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

Merlin grimaced and Gwen startled, only now noticing he was conscious again, and Arthur wondered about how many times Merlin had already called for him.

“Half an hour” Merlin answered in an apologetic tone, trying to scoot closer to Arthur. A foot suddenly came into view, landing on Merlin’s face. Gwen had shouted in warning, but in vain.

“Shut up and don’t move” a mercenary grunted as blood spewed from a new split on Merlin’s lip, and Arthur wished his hands were free so that he could pop the eyes out of this man’s skull.

Their brief interaction had clearly caught Hengist’s attention, because he shifted into Arthur’s field of view right away.

“The king is awake” he scoffed as he crouched in front of him.

Arthur spit towards him, but instead of landing on his face, it merely stained his already dirty tunic.

Hengist laughed.

Arthur tried to push himself up to look around him, but Hengist forced him back down with a steady hand between his shoulder blades.

“Morgana escaped into the tunnels… And you’re going to tell me how you tricked the Wilddeoren, so I can go and bring her back to you and your friends here” Hengist said, bending further down.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Arthur said, hatred shining through his voice.

“Stop being so difficult, your Majesty” Hengist said in a threatening tone and Merlin shifted on the ground beside them, clearly uncomfortable. Hengist caught the movement and looked thoughtfully at the boy and Arthur felt terror clouding his mind.

“I suppose that since you’ll keep refusing me, I should better focus my efforts on our dear servant boy here” he said, shifting on his feet to clasp Merlin’s shoulder from his crouched position.

Arthur looked quickly around himself, noting the bodies of the ten dead henchmen he had had a hand in killing. Even though they had been ultimately subdued and tied up, Arthur could happily claim they had left a dent on the now thinner array of mercenaries that flanked Hengist. Further away, he could see Lancelot’s still form, checking him intently and relaxing when he saw his chest raise and dip rhythmically as he breathed. Finally, he searched for sir Leon and sir Grant, who were even further from them, resting against a fallen trunk and looking barely awake. Arthur cursed internally, remembering how Hengist had beaten them again when the fight had broken out, telling Arthur to desist if he didn’t want him to finish the two knights off.

Above him, Hengist was still talking.

“I am astonished a king would bring two servants with him on a rescue mission… especially since this boy looks like a strong wind would knock him over and… she...” Hengist turned to look at Gwen with a laugh, “Well. _She_ ”.

Merlin squirmed under Hengist’s hold, while Gwen glared.

“I won’t tell you anything” Merlin said in a terrified squeaky voice that left Arthur confused. That didn’t sound like Merlin at all.

Arthur studied him carefully and despite how tired and in pain he was, he thought himself lucky that his head hadn’t been hit so hard that he couldn’t notice Merlin was acting. Arthur blinked in confusion, wondering what Merlin was planning. He sent a questioning glance to Gwen, who just looked as confused as he was.

 _Perfect_ , Arthur thought with despair as he realised all their hopes laid in Merlin’s hands now.

Hengist leaned towards the boy, a devious smile perverting his face even further.

“Tell me or I will kill you where you’re laying” the warlord said.

Merlin whimpered in faux fear as he cowered against the tree, but Hengist’s hand on his shoulder shook him forward again.

“I don’t have time to watch you pee yourself in terror like the coward you are!” Hengist snarled.

Arthur wiggled on the ground.

“Merlin, don’t say anything” he said for the sake of Merlin’s play, even though he wasn’t sure he understood what Merlin had in mind.

Merlin sent him a totally planned fake scared glance and Arthur had to fight the sudden urge to laugh. He had to give it to the boy: he was good.

“I won’t, sire, I won’t” Merlin babbled, drawing a pretty convincing picture of a cowardly servant. Hengist raised his hand to strike him across the cheek.

“I am not a man of patience, boy!” he thundered, spit flying from his mouth as he curled the fingers of his right hand around Merlin’s throat.

Gwen gasped loudly but Arthur forced himself not to make a sound as Merlin let Hengist choke him, legs scrambling under him on the ground.

Hengist released his hold on his throat after ten excruciating seconds.

“I won’t tell you, you pig” Merlin rasped as soon as air reached his lungs again, and the sheer strength behind his words made him sound way closer to the man Arthur knew, but Merlin’s plan still eluded him.

“Are you sure?” Hengist taunted, “Are you that loyal to your king? If you wish so badly to serve a king like a little bitch, I will just sell you to King Alined, who has a certain penchant for pretty boys with blue eyes”.

Arthur roared in outrage and couldn’t stop himself as he started to struggle wildly against his restraints with a newfound strength, wanting nothing more than to kill Hengist with his bare hands.

Hengist looked surprised at Arthur’s outburst before he snorted in amusement.

“I see King Alined is not alone in his inclinations” he said with a cruel waggle of his eyebrows, “Is this why you brought him along? Can’t stay away from your little pet, now, can you, my Lord?”.

Arthur raised his head as high as he could and spit again towards Hengist, registering with satisfaction that this time his saliva had reached Hengist’s cheek.

Hengist laughed again, wiping his face with his sleeve and getting back up on his feet.

“This is useless” he said to his men, turning his back on his prisoners, and Arthur sagged pathetically back on the ground, tired of trying to hold himself up. And that was when Merlin leaned towards Arthur, speaking in a staged whisper that was way too loud.

“I won’t tell him about the berries, sire, I won’t”.

Arthur felt his stomach drop as a surprised sound left his lips.

What the _hell_ was Merlin doing?

Hengist’s head whipped towards Merlin’s voice, just as surprised as the young king.

“That’s your secret against the Wilddeoren? Berries?” he asked, a smug grin spreading over his features.

Merlin’s eyes widened in exaggerated horror and, not for the first time, Arthur wished he could read his mind.

“I’m sorry” Merlin whimpered, shoulders tightening as if he was trying to make himself look smaller.

“Merlin, not another word” Arthur yelled, shaking his head as much as he could from his sprawling position on the ground.

Hengist wielded his sword to tip it on Merlin’s chest.

“Which berries?” he asked, urgently.

Merlin shook his head, carefully fabricated fear and sorrow twisting his face.

Arthur grunted, shifting his forehead on the ground and feeling another layer of dirt and soil streak his skin. He had never felt a desperation this strong.

“Tell me!” Hengist shouted from above them.

Merlin shook his head again and his eyes slided behind Hengist almost out of instinct, but Arthur knew him well enough to notice it was another calculated move. Hengist swerved on his feet, looking at the bush of green berries that Merlin had glanced at. Arthur deflated almost immediately, keeping very still as he watched Hengist tear a bunch of those same berries to look at them. The warlord weighed them in his hands carefully before squeezing them in his palm, moisture dripping on the ground.

“Thank you, boy” Hengist said with satisfaction and snapped his fingers at his men, who started covering themselves with whatever they could squeeze out of the berries that Arthur knew to be almost completely odorless. He sent a bewildered look Merlin’s way, whose body had relaxed now that he had gotten Hengist where he wanted. Arthur stared at him, mouth hanging open, and Merlin winked. Arthur hid his smile into the soil beneath him, relief and exhilaration making his head swim like nothing else had ever done -not even all the hits he had taken.

“Two of you, stay with the prisoners as I lead the others to catch Lady Morgana…” Hengist barked to his last five mercenaries, “I can’t wait to get my hands on her. I will make her regret the day she was born and then I’m going to keep her in the fortress with all the other whores” and here he turned once again towards the young king to taunt him, “I assure you, Pendragon. She will be the most famous and desired whore of the land. People will call her the jewel of Mercia, mark my words”.

Arthur just kept laying down with his face in the dirt, sure that if he turned Hengist’s way his eyes would have betrayed him. The warlord’s threats and taunts had no longer any effect on him, especially not now that he knew Hengist and his men were unknowingly about to walk towards their deaths in the tunnels.

Predictably, it took less than ten minutes for the Wilddeoren to latch onto their scent and hunt them down, as indicated by the multiple drowned out screams that reached them from the bowels of the mountains. The two men left to guard them didn’t even have a chance to jump in surprise as Merlin pulled one last trick and rose on his feet, inexplicably free hands stealing the sword from the shorter mercenary’s weak hold. Arthur sucked in a breath in suspense, watching him clumsily parry the other mercenary’s swipe of his sword and push away while standing firmly on the ground. Merlin aimed a hit towards the man’s wrist but his attempt at disarming him was countered at the last second.

“What happened to Hengist?” the unarmed man said, shrilly, as his eyes darted all over the place, but he otherwise didn’t make one move to help subdue Merlin.

“He got eaten, you stupid piece of shit” the taller henchman screamed, raising his sword with both of his arms and bringing it down towards Merlin, who quickly ducked out of the way, leaving behind only the clang of the sword hitting the ground with portentous strength. If he hadn’t been light on his feet, that blow would have sliced right through his shoulder.

The unarmed man looked at them for five more seconds, before bolting towards the trees, clearly more interested in saving his own skin.

“Fuck” the last mercenary left exclaimed, distracted minutely by the other’s quick departure, and Merlin exploited that second of pause to punch him in the face and then push his shoulder hard against the man, hitting him square in the chest and making him stumble back and fall on his arse. Arthur had noticed some teeth flying out of the man’s mouth and was taken aback. He had never seen Merlin fight like this and he blushed at the thought that it was an attractive look on him.

He shook himself out of his inappropriate musings, watching as Merlin’s opponent scrambled up on his feet and started slowly retreating.

“This isn’t worth it” the man said, holding out one hand and bending his legs a little. Merlin raised his sword and pointed it at him.

“Leave” Merlin ordered, venom dripping from his voice, and he looked so fierce that all that was left for Arthur to do was blinking up at the scene in front of him in bewildered awe.

The bandit gave one short nod in acquiescence and slowly backed into the woods, breaking into a run as soon as he could.

Merlin dropped his sword with a clang, kneeling next to Gwen to release her hands.

“How did you get out of the ropes?” Gwen asked, almost as shocked as Arthur, who felt like his whole world had suddenly shifted underneath him.

Merlin smirked and shrugged, leaving her with an enigmatic: “I have my ways” and Arthur felt himself fall just a little bit deeper.

Gwen nodded with a smile of her own as Merlin helped her stand up.

“Good thinking with the berries” she said, patting his shoulder, before walking away to retrieve her sword, which was not far from where Lancelot still laid unconscious.

“Guinevere is right” Arthur said, trying to roll on his back. Merlin looked down at him with an arched eyebrow, blue eyes sparkling, and despite the mud, the blood and the bruises, Arthur simply ached to touch him. The violence of his desire almost made Arthur tremble.

Merlin kneeled once again, reaching out to tug at the rope digging into Arthur’s wrists.

“I underestimated you” Arthur admitted, guiltily, and Merlin gave him his cheekiest smile.

“Everyone does” he replied with a nod towards the tunnels, which were now full of well fed Wilddeoren.

“I will never make that mistake again, then, if that’s the fate of those who do” Arthur added with a dry laugh, feeling the ropes finally give away. He sat up, shaking his hands to regain some feeling into them.

“Lancelot is still breathing and doesn’t look badly injured” Gwen said across the clearing, bent with a hand on Lancelot’s cheek while she studied him. She righted herself up and wiped sweat and blood from her forehead, before turning towards them with a determined look on her face.

“I’m going to get Morgana, wait up here” Gwen announced, narrowing her eyes as if to challenge them to argue. Arthur firmly kept his mouth shut, even though he really wanted to go himself in her stead.

Gwen left quickly but Arthur got distracted by Merlin’s hands, which were suddenly cradling his head. Arthur blinked repeatedly, leaning in instinctively as Merlin’s fingers pressed against his scalp.

He was just about to lean further and finally close the space between them when Merlin hummed, brows furrowed in concentration, and Arthur realised with a mix of shame and disappointment that he was just checking him for injuries.

With one last press of his fingertips, Merlin released him with a nod and Arthur was shocked by his own tenderness when he registered how much he wanted to kiss away the worry wrinkle on his forehead.

“Happy with what you found?” he asked, trying to sound like his usual brazen self.

Merlin snorted, flicking his cheek once before standing up.

“Yes, sire” he said, tone light and teasing, “I found that your head is still shaped like a dollop”.

“What?”.

“A dollop, sire” Merlin repeated slowly and condescendingly, “Your head is shaped like a dollop. Which makes you a dollophead”.

Arthur groaned in reply.

“Stop making up words and check on Leon and Grant”.

  
***  
  


Gwen hoped the Wilddeoren were too busy still feasting to notice her as she waded through the thick darkness, ear strained to detect any noise that could tell her where Morgana was.

She had her hands stretched out to touch the outline of the stone walls, taking one careful step after another. Her vision had severely adjusted to the darkness of the tunnels but she still couldn’t see much beyond her own feet.

“Morgana” Gwen whispered, heart lodged in her throat, but no answer came her way.

Gwen was starting to picture worst case scenarios with increasing creativity, going from thinking that maybe Morgana had fallen and hit her head to thinking that Hengist had found her and dragged her to die with him under the jaws of the Wilddeoren.

Gwen pondered over the amount of danger she was in and whether or not it was worth it to just start running through the tunnels screaming her lady’s name. Thankfully she was smarter than that, sliding silently forward and persevering.

Gwen estimated she had walked at least one quarter of the whole length of the tunnels before she finally saw signs that Morgana was nearby. The sword she had stolen was discarded on the ground, drenched in green blood, and Gwen deduced she had fought a Wilddeoren with it. Gwen’s heart started beating painfully hard in her chest, but she pushed forward once more. There was no space for fear.

Finally, after walking for twelve more minutes she turned a sharp left and found the carcass of a Wilddeoren, green blood pooling beneath it, as Morgana hid in a corner.

Gwen staggered slightly on her feet as crushing relief overwhelmed her. She hurried to her lady’s side and felt so happy she could dance for days when Morgana reached out and pulled against her in a rather violent hug. They crashed against each other in a way they had never experienced, tugging at each other’s hair and almost fighting to see who could hold the other tighter. Gwen fancied herself the winner of that particular fight as her lady snorted in frustration and leaned to kiss her with a strength that almost knocked the two on them on the stone floor of the tunnels.

Gwen couldn’t care in the least that they were standing next to a giant dead beast in the bowels of a mountain that held inside many other deadly creatures. She didn’t care they were muddied up and caked in blood and sweat. She didn’t care about the men they had killed that day. All she cared about was the insistent press of Morgana’s tongue against her lips and the soft moan she elicited in her lady when she gladly opened her mouth to grant it entrance. For one beautiful moment, Gwen forgot all about kidnappings and warlords and beasts and pain, as all of it faded away in her mind to give space to Morgana’s hungry kisses.

They kissed and kissed as if they had only now become aware that they were alive. Gwen pressed a hand against her lady’s chest to feel the flutter of her heart and imagined she could live forever in this moment hanged between two heartbeats, eternally feeling the comfort of her lady’s body against hers, but they couldn’t yet.

Gwen broke away, breathing harshly as she took one small step back. She stood in Morgana’s arms, smiling tenderly, and cradled her beautiful face with the reverence that was due to works of art.

“They’re waiting for us, my love” Gwen whispered, receiving a huff in answer.

“They can wait five more seconds” her lady answered, fingers widening on Gwen’s hips as she tried to drag her closer again.

“We are surrounded by flesh devouring creatures” Gwen argued, amusement trickling through.

“They can wait too” Morgana replied stubbornly, but then released Gwen anyway.

Hand in hand, they walked the tunnels of Andor for the final time, leaving them behind once and for all.

They were ready to go back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not making any promises because everything is fckd up and im not exactly stable rn but i hope to actually finish this and post all of it so that i can say that 2020 wasn't a completely wasted year of my life


	9. In the space of our small pond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Morgana is rescued, they can rest. Or can they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry sorry i just kept deleting and rewriting all of morgana and arthur's dialogue, it was really a bitch to write and i don't even know why lol anyways things go right for approximately five seconds and then it's all shit again. you know. life. ALSO, rating is going up to mature today, because there are boobies in this one. huh enjoy?

Once they were safely back in Camelot, Arthur decided to throw a feast in honor of Morgana’s rescue. Merlin had spent a whole day floating amongst the flutter of servants running all over the castle to arrange the celebration, trying to fulfill his duties at the best of his capabilities as his weary limbs permitted, since he had just come back from a rather long and violent journey. Nonetheless, he had been happy to help put up decorations and pick flowers and banners for the large hallways. What he hadn’t appreciated though was the amount of people pestering him as if he were the main planner of the event.

He almost regretted being the king’s manservant, since the position made him the main target for the many questions seamstresses and cooks had about Arthur’s favourite shade of red or Arthur’s favourite way of eating pork chop.

“This feast is to celebrate Lady Morgana, shouldn’t we ask what  _ she  _ wants?” he argued in vain as the questions only piled up.

But he persevered, finding a new kind of satisfaction when the evening came and his efforts paid off. The castle was brimming with life and music and light, Merlin registered with pride as the first guests arrived.

Arthur stood beside him, tall and handsome in his best clothes. His crown glinted with the light of the torches.

“Not bad, huh?” Merlin said, beaming.

Arthur gave the dining hall an appraising look.

“Meh” the king said, wrinkling his nose.

Merlin threw his arms up to the sky, exasperated.

“Oh, come on” he exclaimed, but quieted down when he saw Arthur’s small teasing smile.

“I can release you from your duties tonight if you want to just enjoy it” the king offered, folding his hands behind his back and looking at him with an open face, “You have had quite an eventful couple of days after all”.

Merlin imagined it for a split second -a servant dancing and drinking with the nobility- and almost laughed at his king’s ingenuity. It was just like Arthur to make an offer he knew he couldn’t accept.

“I believe I will see you inside, sire, when I will pour your wine for you” Merlin replied affectionately, bowing his head a little.

The king then slapped a hand on Merlin’s back and entered the dining hall, cape flowing as he walked. Merlin watched him settle on the seat that had once been Uther’s and felt his throat clog up with pride and love.

“The feast looks rather splendid” a voice then said behind him and he turned towards it. Gwen was smiling at him, hands folded in front of her as she rushed the last steps towards her friend.

Merlin felt his whole face light up.

“At least someone appreciates my hard work,” he said, dimples popping out as he smiled.

“I believe everyone is quite happy with what you did tonight” Gwen argued, knocking her shoulder with his. She looked prim and proper in her lavender dress, which Merlin knew to be her favourite.

“Shall we go in, my dear Lady Guinevere?” Merlin asked pompously, offering his arm to her like he had seen the noblemen do before entering the dining hall with their wives and daughters. Gwen laughed and swatted a hand at him.

“What, you think they would notice two servants coming in from the wrong entrance? They’re already all drunk” Merlin said, pointing a thumb towards the dancing nobles.

“You’re impossible,” Gwen said, looping their arms together and dragging him towards the servants’ side doors.

“That’s part of my irresistible charm” Merlin joked, rejoicing in the sound of his friend’s laughter.

“Yes, I think both Arthur and Lancelot would agree to that” Gwen replied with another chuckle, and Merlin blushed profusely. They stopped behind a pillar while servants bearing fuming piles of stew passed them by.

“Gwen!” he stammered in warning, crossing his arms over his chest. Gwen patted him on the shoulder, showing her teeth in a teasing smirk.

“I believe someone would say you have the two of them wrapped around your little finger…” Gwen continued, mercilessly.

“And I believe my Lord and your Lady both need new drinks” Merlin deflected, stepping into the fray and leaving a laughing Gwen behind. He waded through the dispersive crowd, directed towards his king. He was painfully aware of the way his face was still flushed, but he hoped people would assume it was caused by the sheer intensity of the heat that was pulsating from the large number of bodies amassed in the hall.

Merlin bent to speak into Arthur’s ear, mindful of Morgana sitting beside the king in a luxurious scarlet dress.

“What does my king wish to drink? Ale or wine?” Merlin asked in hushed tones, so close that he could see the short hair at the nape of Arthur’s neck stand at attention as a shiver cursed through the young king. Arthur raised his head towards him, a dazed look in his eyes, and Merlin’s stomach clenched at the sight of Arthur’s long neck straining.

“Surprise me” the king answered, a warm smile staining his red lips.

As he looked at Arthur for a fraction of a second longer than necessary, Merlin reasoned that the feast was proving to be a smashing success.

***

Gwen had her own celebration that night in her lady’s chambers, as she swayed and hummed a song and held Morgana in her arms.

It was many hours after that, once they had undressed and touched about every single naked inch of each other, that the two finally rested.

“Did you see Lady Priscilla’s dress? She looked like she expected Arthur to marry her on the spot. She didn’t even try to be subtle with all that red and gold” Morgana commented, fingers busy as she braided her long raven hair.

Gwen smiled indulgently at her, resting against the headboard and revelling in the light breeze coming in from the window.

“All the ladies at the feast were behaving like Arthur was going to choose one of them tonight…” Morgana continued with a scoff, “I swear, Priscilla is the worst of them. Every time I have ever talked to her in all these years, all she could think about was whether Arthur would like her new embroidered handkerchief or her new hair pins, as if he would care. She is so vain that her mere presence is stifling and she has created this ridiculous fantasy in her mind that Arthur secretly loves her”.

Gwen reached out to splay her fingers on Morgana’s naked thigh, thinking carefully about her next words.

“Do you think Arthur would ever marry one of them?” she asked, caressing the soft skin of her inner thigh almost with intent.

Morgana stilled, fingers tangled in her hair, and raised an eyebrow at Gwen.

“Arthur despises all of them and I know because we both do. Although he might want to start looking for a wife soon or the court will become even more insufferable than it already is. But don’t worry, I’m sure he will choose the most sensible political match” she answered, lips curling in disgust.

Gwen grimaced and said: “I know how much you dislike that but it is what it is”.

“I have always found it appalling that men would use us as bargaining goods” Morgana replied, voice hard as steel, as she finally tied up the bottom of her braid with a silk string, “Rumours have it Uther too wanted to marry me off, as if he had any claim over me”.

“Well, you were his ward, after all” Gwen reasoned, squeezing her thigh playfully. Morgana snorted a dry laugh and Gwen studied her face carefully.

“You never cried for him” she said, trying to sound as casual as she could.

“There was nothing to cry for” Morgana replied icily, turning on her side and dislodging Gwen’s hand in the process. She must have regretted that immediately, because she trailed her fingers on the back of Gwen’s hand slowly before climbing up her arm to press her thumb in the dip of Gwen’s collarbone. Gwen covered her hand with her own, feeling a swell of love growing steadily in her belly.

If she was ever to lose this, she knew she wouldn’t be able to survive it.

“And anyway” Morgana said in a rush, as if she had just remembered something and was eager to share it, “Arthur told me a little while ago that he has feelings for someone. I don’t think he’ll be in such a rush to get married after all”.

“He told you that?” Gwen asked, surprise coloring her voice. It didn’t quite reconcile with the image of Arthur she had: closed off, emotionally stunted in the way only big manly knights could be and a firm denier of any presence of any feeling whatsoever. Gwen thought him to be the kind of man who would keep his emotions close to his chest and as hidden as he could till the damn grave. It was nice knowing she had been wrong. The notion that Arthur had finally opened up to someone was heartwarming.

“Yes” Morgana confirmed, eyes twinkling, “He wouldn’t tell me for whom but listen to this: he talked about it as if it were a forbidden love. Isn’t that interesting?”.

Gwen squirmed a little on the mattress, regretting it right away when Morgana looked at her appraisingly.

“Do you know something I don’t, Gwen?” Morgana asked, voice pitched high with delight.

“Well” Gwen hesitated, instantly giving away the answer.

“You do, don’t you” Morgana laughed, now beyond delighted as she leaned to rest her forehead on Gwen’s shoulder. Gwen sighed in defeat.

“It’s more something I have noticed, love” she confessed, biting her bottom lip. Morgana reached to touch it gently and Gwen pressed a small kiss to her fingertips.

“Well, tell me all about it”.

Gwen took a deep breath, weighing her words carefully before allowing herself to say it.

“Arthur is absurdly fond of Merlin”.

“You think he’s in love with  _ Merlin _ ?” Morgana said, head whipping up to look at Gwen in the eyes.

“No, my lady, I know it” Gwen replied simply, cradling Morgana’s jaw, “And Merlin seems to hold the same degree of affection for him”.

“Well, I admit it’s not what I had imagined but… it does make sense” Morgana mused, brows furrowed as she got lost in her own mind.

“You should have seen Arthur when Lancelot appeared out of nowhere” Gwen said to bring her back. As desired, Morgana turned her attention back to her.

“What does Lancelot have to do with anything?” she asked, confused.

“I have reason to believe Arthur is jealous of how close he and Merlin are. He started stomping all over the place and glared at him every time he touched Merlin”.

“And exactly how close are Lancelot and Merlin?” Morgana asked, fingers tapping absentmindedly on Gwen’s chest.

“Of that I am not completely certain,” Gwen admitted, grabbing Morgana’s hand and bringing it back up to her lips to press kisses against each of her fingertips.

“Back in Hengist’s fortress, Lancelot came to talk to me in my cell. When I mentioned you, he got this strange look in his eyes… I’d say that Arthur has no reason to worry, but I definitely should” Morgana said, but despite her words she seemed amused. Gwen felt her face grow warm and she cleared her throat.

“I may have been a little… infatuated the first time I met him” she confessed and Morgana cupped her cheek tenderly.

“Really?” she asked with a wide smirk and Gwen hid her face against a pillow, cheeks flushing darker. Her lady laughed before turning pensive.

“Well, I guess he is attractive…” Morgana said rather diplomatically and then added with deliberately exaggerated disgust: “For a  _ man _ ”.

Gwen huffed a laugh, unimpressed by her lady’s distaste of mankind.

“Well... we might have flirted. Just a tiny bit” Gwen added for the sake of full disclosure, “But it was never going to actually become something. I swear we have been nothing but strictly friendly to each other back then. I had quite the impression that he and Merlin on the other hand were… surely closer”.

“Are you trying to reassure me, Gwen?” Morgana teased, before carding a hand through Gwen’s curls tenderly, “There is no need. I know you’re mine. Just like I hope you know I’m yours”.

Gwen beamed at her lady, scooting a little closer and throwing an arm around her waist to drag her on top of her. Morgana laid her head on Gwen’s chest while their legs tangled under the covers.

“And I can’t blame Lancelot for being attracted to one of the most beautiful people in Camelot, not when I share the same affliction” Morgana said, as Gwen drew circles with her fingertips on her naked back.

“You flatterer” Gwen whispered with her mouth pressed on the top of Morgana’s head.

“Well, I can flatter you better than  _ that _ … You are not only amazing but brilliant and gorgeous” Morgana said, making Gwen laugh, “You have the kindest soul I have ever met and a steady heart that makes you able to withstand anything. And do not get me started about the agility you possess while wielding a sword”.

“Okay, Morgana, you have made your case,” Gwen said, smiling brightly up at the canopy. She felt her lady shift to get closer and instinctively squeezed her tighter.

“Have I?” Morgana asked, playfully, with a dangerous glint in her eyes and Gwen felt renewed desire warm her limbs. It didn’t escape Morgana’s notice and she left a trail of wet kisses on her neck, making Gwen squirm.

Satisfied with herself, Morgana started playing gently with Gwen’s nipple, rolling it between two fingers and pinching it with a touch so light Gwen could have sworn she had imagined it.

“Again, my lady?” she asked in a breathy voice.

“I could never get enough of you” Morgana replied in a subdued tone, before crawling down Gwen’s body to settle with her head between her thighs, tongue snaking inside her in quick unharried strokes.

Gwen tugged on Morgana’s braid to get her exactly where she wanted and reasoned that after all they had rested enough.

***

Despite the weight of their most recent adventure, Merlin hadn’t allowed anything to discourage him nor to draw his attention away from how much Morgana needed a way to harness her powers. The morning after the feast he had already had a mind to reassure her he had a plan to get the crystals but she found him first, striding into Gaius’s quarters in her best green dress. She looked as regal as ever, black hair perfectly coiled and a stark emerald stone in her necklace complementing her complexion beautifully, but as a faint tremor in her hands betrayed her, Merlin realised that this perfect facade was the armour she wore to give herself strength. He steeled himself, already knowing what she was about to say.

“I had another one of my dreams” she announced casually, standing in front of Gaius’s worktable and wrapping her elegant fingers around a discarded vial, gathering it up to her face as if it interested her.

Merlin bit his bottom lip, dropping his spoon in the bowl of oatmeal he was eating for breakfast.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, hesitatingly. She nodded sharply, placing the vial back where she had found it and walking to sit across from him.

“It was the same one I have been having for months” she started, shoulders squared up, “As all the visions I have, the images come and go in flashes. I keep seeing this woman on a horse in front of me, but she is turned away and I cannot see her face. All I ever see of her is her blonde hair. She is dressed in full armour and all around her there is… this… this...” she waved her hands, brows furrowing as she searched for the right words, “This wall of darkness. No, it’s… it’s more like shadows made of black smoke, and they’re following her as she rides her horse and I just know she is coming here in Camelot. And the things I feel when I see her… She is dangerous, that’s all I know for sure about her”.

Merlin took his time to digest her words, wondering exactly how scared he should feel right now. He reached over his breakfast to briefly rest a hand on hers in support.

“Whoever she is, we will chase her away once she’s here” he promised, gaining a shaky smile for his efforts.

Merlin decided this moment was as good as any to tell her his intention to leave for the Valley of the Fallen Kings the next morning and he picked back up his spoon, trying to look as innocent as possible.

“It was a real pity that our trip was cut short” he ventured, nervously, “Since you really need those crystals”.

“There is no way Arthur will let me leave again after everything that has happened” Morgana said, clearly annoyed, and Merlin nodded in agreement.

“That is why I’m going alone” he said as he casually took one spoonful of soggy oatmeal into his mouth, not even wincing when Morgana slapped a hand on the table.

“Don’t be stupid!” she cried out, “It’s a long journey and that valley is rumored to be cursed! You cannot undertake such a danger alone”.

Merlin waved her off like it was nothing.

“I have faced worse” he argued with a shrug, “Have I not told you how crazy the last year has been? Ever since I arrived in Camelot I haven’t had one minute of unmitigated peace but as you can see I made it out alright”.

Morgana only looked more belligerent and Merlin braced himself, hand tightening on his spoon.

“That does not make it okay” she argued, fervently, “Just because you were lucky enough not to die doesn’t mean you should have to keep facing all of this alone”.

Merlin’s heart clenched, touched that Morgana cared about him with all that fervour, but her words had the opposite effect she hoped for, because he only felt more determined to get her what she needed.

“And anyway, what would you tell Arthur to have his permission?” Morgana pointed out, triumphantly, as if that would have been enough to make Merlin change his mind.

He snorted a rather ungraceful laugh, scratching his cheek absentmindedly.

“I have already picked out the perfect excuse, don’t worry” he informed her.

“But you hate lying to him” Morgana argued, frowning at him in disgruntlement.

“Doesn’t mean I won’t do it if I have to” he replied with another laugh, “I’m telling you, Morgana, leave everything to me”.

She deflated, clearly dubbing him a lost cause, and waved a hand in the air.

“Well, don’t be surprised when all I will have to say at your funeral will be the words ‘he was a stubborn mule’” she said, defeated, and he laughed heartily.

“Believe me, whatever is haunting that valley should be scared of me, not the other way around” he joked, winking. 

“That’s a tall statement coming from someone who has oatmeal all over his face” she teased, but reached out to friendly squeeze his hand anyway. Merlin blushed, wiping his cheek with his sleeve quickly.

“Well, aren’t you two adorable” a dry voice commented from the doorstep and Merlin raised his eyes to see Arthur standing with his arms crossed over his chest and frowning. Merlin withdrew his hand from Morgana’s quickly, face flushing once again in embarrassment.

Morgana stood up gracefully, sending a glare to Arthur that would have made lesser men cower in fear. Arthur just glared back and Merlin felt exasperation spread throughout him.

“Well, thank you for the riveting conversation, Merlin, you always know how to entertain a lady. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a rather thrilling romance to finish and I simply cannot wait to read about this king reuniting with his forbidden love” Morgana announced slyly before taking her leave, patting Arthur’s arm as she went. Even though Merlin had thought it impossible, Arthur looked even more annoyed at her departure. He grimaced, knowing it was going to be a hard morning for him.

“How are you awake so early after all the ale you drank last night?” Merlin asked, raising from his stool to clean the table, “I thought you might want to take the morning off”.

“So am I to believe that you were here stuffing your face and making doe eyes at Lady Morgana instead of fulfilling your duties to your king because you wanted me to sleep in?” Arthur asked as harshly as Merlin had ever heard him. He froze, dropping his bowl back on the table and turning to look at his king with his mouth hanging open.

“I was not making doe eyes!” Merlin argued stupidly, outraged, and wasn’t surprised when that made Arthur even more hostile.

“I swear you only grow dumber every day” he said, uncrossing his arms and walking to stand next to him, “Have I ever told you just how dumb I think you are?”.

Merlin sighed, scrubbing his face in frustration with the palm of his hand.

“You tell me every day, sire,” he said, feeling extremely sick of it all of a sudden.

Arthur narrowed his eyes at him.

“For heaven’s sake, wash your damn face, you’re still covered in oatmeal” Arthur complained with a frown. Merlin blinked in confusion and raised a hand to touch his cheek.

“Where?” he asked, naively, realising his mistake a second too late.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it for you” Arthur said with a predatory smile and grabbed the jug of water on the table and upended it on Merlin’s head. Merlin shivered and jumped away in alarm as water soaked him, trickling under his tunic and reaching his navel. As Arthur placed the jug back on the table with a satisfied smirk, Merlin reasoned that he should have seen it coming.

“There, now you’re all clean and ready to make a fool of yourself with Morgana again” Arthur continued, patting his wet cheek condescendingly.

Merlin grabbed a cloth that was hanging nearby and dragged it over his face.

“At least Morgana doesn’t treat me like a dog” Merlin said, irritated, and wondered how it was possible for him to love Arthur so much when he also hated him so deeply sometimes.

“I’d advise you to stop pursuing her” Arthur replied, voice cold and mean, and he was so far off the mark that Merlin wanted to tear his own hair off in frustration, “She is a noblewoman and you’re a servant. I don’t know how you could ever think you could have someone so different than you in rank”.

“Well, that is incredibly hypocritical of you to say” Merlin snarled in response before he could stop himself and immediately regretted it. Arthur stiffened, fists clenching at his sides. Merlin swallowed nervously, conscious that he had now crossed a line they had been skirting for months but ultimately had both refused to acknowledge. Merlin didn’t know how they could go back to ignoring this thing that had been growing between them if they suddenly admitted to each other it even existed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it” he backtracked, turning his gaze to the floor for a second as shame made him squirm where he was standing.

“Yes, I’m sure you didn't,” Arthur said sharply, blue eyes flashing dangerously. Merlin winced.

“I know you might not understand this with your limited intelligence, but as a king I do not have time to waste talking my servant into doing his damn job. If you don’t want to, I’ll find someone who will. You’re dismissed from your duties. I don’t want to see you anywhere around this castle today” Arthur announced slowly, each word hitting Merlin like a slap in the face.

Before he had the chance to say anything, Arthur hightailed it out of Gaius’s chambers in a flurry. Merlin felt strangely cold, staring at the empty space Arthur had left behind as he shivered from head to toe in his soaking wet clothes.

***

Morgana had been reading in her room peacefully when Arthur decided to erupt unannounced in her chambers that evening, after a whole day of meetings with his court advisors -who were failing to conceal their impatience at a king so young and reckless. Arthur had always thought that they were an incompetent swarm of idiots and had never shied away from telling this to their faces when he was crown prince, even though it meant he had to suffer countless lectures from his father. Arthur never understood the trust Uther had placed in those snotty, rich noblemen who thought they were so above Camelot’s people that every man, woman and child should bow down to them. If it were up to Arthur, the court would be made up of people who had earned their right to the table and understood the needs of their king and his people. Hand clenching on the handle of the heavy wooden door leading into Morgana’s chambers, Arthur shook himself out of his frustrations as best he could.

When he entered the room, Morgana looked up from her book with a frown.

“Did you forget how to knock on a door?” she asked, dryly, placing her tome on the desk.

“I thought I’d pay you a visit” he said, ignoring her, pacing the room with his hands tucked in his pockets in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner. Morgana arched an eyebrow at him and scoffed. He sent her a pinched smile and strode to her desk in brisk steps.

“After all, I haven’t seen you since this morning, when you were in the physician’s chambers holding hands with a servant” he said, voice devoid of any inflection, flicking some imaginary dust off his red jacket, “I just thought you might want the chance to explain“.

He had been on edge the whole day because of what little he overheard, of the familiarity with which Morgana and Merlin had talked and touched each other, and then the way Merlin had snapped at him in frustration. He knew he had promised to himself he would get these inconvenient feelings out of his system, but he seemed to be unable to shake off old habits -and jealousy was a rather persistent one.

Meanwhile, Morgana’s frown deepened.

“Am I not allowed to talk to a friend?” she countered, crossing her arms over her chest and narrowing her eyes at him. If that was how she wanted to do this, Arthur thought, he was going to play along. He mimicked her by crossing his own arms over his chest and glaring.

“You know you can’t be friends with servants. You should start acting according to your rank” he said, and didn’t back down even when he realised he sounded exactly like Uther. He winced internally, remembering how many lectures of this same kind his father had given him before his death.

“That is rich coming from you, isn’t Merlin your only actual friend?” Morgana argued, scathingly, and for a second he wondered whether he was going to put a wedge between them and lose her if he stubbornly kept behaving like his father. He decided to relent just a little and uncrossed his arms, grabbing the back of a chair and dragging it far enough that he could sit stiffly on it. He folded his hands on top on her desk and sighed.

“Morgana. I’m only speaking with your best interest in mind” he started but Morgana interrupted him with a dry laugh.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish here but I advise you to quit while you’re ahead” she warned, fingers digging in her forearms as she glared. Arthur rolled his eyes, unimpressed.

“You are not a child, Morgana, and you are not without intelligence. You know the consequences of getting involved with servants and you know they’re not worth it. Especially not for someone like  _ Merlin _ , of all people”.

Morgana stiffened, something hot and angry flaring in her eyes and Arthur felt unnecessarily cruel, even more so in light of his own feelings for  _ Merlin _ , of all people.

“Do not think, Arthur Pendragon, that you can just stand there insulting me even for a second. This lecture you’re giving me about proper behaviour for nobility reeks of dishonesty and hypocrisy. Moreover since I have no feelings of the kind you’re implying for Merlin. Now, I would like to move on from this, especially since I don’t appreciate having to repeat myself, but I’m afraid it bears repetition that I am not currently having an affair with your manservant and I sincerely think you should really tone down the jealousy”.

Arthur reeled a little in his seat, confusion hitting him square in the chest.

“Jealousy? Do you think I’m jealous of  _ you _ ? That is so self-centered and ridiculous and-”.

“Dear Gods, Arthur!” Morgana snapped, clearly having run out of patience.

Arthur looked at her carefully, trying to piece together what it was that he was missing in this conversation.

“Are you really under the impression that you can hide your true intentions from me? I know you, Arthur, I see you” Morgana said. Her voice was still cold, but it felt more like a blunt knife, its edge not as dangerous, not as deadly.

Arthur swallowed hard, an unexplainable chill crawling up his spine, as if his body was ahead of his mind and sensed something dangerous in the air.

“And I understand you. I feel for you, Arthur. Believe me when I tell you that we are more alike than I had ever thought possible, but if you keep acting like this you will alienate everyone who cares about you”.

She sighed, suddenly gentler, her fingers going to the small bow tying her braid together and Arthur wondered.

“As much as I dislike you, I don’t wish for you to be alone. Neither do I wish for you to marry one of the ladies that flooded these halls last night just for the sake of politics. It surprises me too, but I do want you to be happy, so I urge you to stop hiding behind your caveman manners and grow up. Let yourself have this. Tell him”.

And then it hit him like a horse on his hind legs kicking upwards and knocking him in the chest.

Morgana knew.

There was no mistaking this. Morgana knew and he was in deep trouble.

He clenched his jaw, feeling his shoulders tense up. He pondered if it was worth trying to deny it all, or if he should just play stupid. Panic slowly unfurled in his chest.

“Oh, don’t make that face, Arthur” she said, patting his cheek condescendingly, “I didn’t realise until Gwen pointed it out to me last night. You have nothing to worry about”.

Arthur dragged his hands off the desk slowly, landing them still folded together on his lap. He tried to stay as still as possible, even though his hands longed for a sword and a target on which he could relieve his frustrations.

“And why does Gwen think she knows something?” he asked slowly, feeling cold inside and out.

“She is more observant than most… believe me, the secret of your forbidden affections is in safe hands” she replied with an amused twinkle in her eyes. Arthur huffed through his nose angrily.

“Stop treating this like a joke” he snapped, pushing himself up on his feet roughly.

Now it was Morgana’s turn to do a double take.

“I’m not” she argued, wide-eyed.

Arthur paced back and forth in front of her, hands clasping each other behind his back as he tried to calm himself.

He felt raw and exposed and pulsing like a battle wound he didn’t know if he could stitch back together.

“This… I- This is no laughing matter” he continued, as his face twitched in discomfort.

Morgana rose from her seat to grab him by the shoulders. He let her manhandle him into stillness, not knowing what else to do.

“I know” she said firmly, fingers squeezing and voice uncharacteristically kind, “You can rest assured that no one else will ever get to know about this. I would protect it with my life. You are safe, I promise”.

Some of the tension in his body eased away at her words.

“I love both you and Merlin like brothers” she said, startling him. Not once in the two decades they had known each other had she ever expressed affection towards him like this, and it scared Arthur that she had been so close to never having the chance to say it at all. He held her wrists gently, trying to put into touch what he didn’t have the strength to say back.

“And I am sure you two could make each other very happy. If you stop behaving like an ass” she added, and Arthur had to rein in a snort, glad that they were once again on familiar territory. Her hands fell from him and he relaxed minutely. “Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is stop doubting and take a leap of faith. Believe in what you feel. Believe in him”.

“You say that like it’s easy”.

Arthur felt small and tired in the face of all that was swirling through his mind.

“I know for a fact it’s not” she replied, enigmatic as ever, and he blinked at her in confusion, “It takes everything you have and it leaves you empty and vulnerable, but it’s worth it”.

Arthur could feel thousands of question crowd on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t press.

“I wouldn’t know where to begin,” he said instead, feeling strangely liberated now that he did not have to pretend. Morgana gave him a supporting smile.

“You will find the words when it’s time”.

“Maybe. I hope” he said in a daze, a new emotion carving a little space in his chest, and it made him feel foolish and impossibly young. “Do you know if-”

“I am done meddling. Talk to him” Morgana interrupted, holding her hands up and taking a step back towards her desk and her tome.

He grimaced, staring down at his own calloused hands.

“I- I haven’t been fair to him today” he confessed, shame making itself known in his mind as he recalled how cruel and harsh he had been.

“You rarely are” Morgana said, sharply, and Arthur let her words sting him with no opposition. It was the least he deserved.

He pinched the bridge of his nose gently, feeling a migraine build up in an acutely slow manner.

“I shall leave you to your evening, then. I apologise for the interruption” he said, bowing his head a little and the gesture was so strange for him that he almost recoiled from it, but the only person he would ever bow to was always going to be Morgana.

As he left, she returned to her book, sitting all neat and immaculate as she touched the pages lightly, and he gave her one last look before closing the heavy wooden door behind him.

He scrubbed his hands over his face, barely believing the week he was having, and shuffled to his own chambers, too exhausted to do anything else.

***

A knock resounded in the room as Merlin was helping Gaius mix his potions at his worktable, and the young man looked up from Gaius’s ointment for welts to see Lancelot standing stiffly on the doorstep.

“Good evening” he greeted, scratching the stubble on his chin, and Merlin beamed a smile at him that felt like his first real smile in over fourteen hours.

“What brings you here, boy?” Gaius asked, ever the medic, as he eyed Lancelot’s still healing bruises.

“I’m here for Merlin, actually” Lancelot said with a sheepish smile and he took a tentative step forward into the room, hands clasping each other as he pushed them in front of him in a questioning gesture that Merlin interpreted as a request to talk alone.

“Do you need me to finish up?” Merlin asked Gaius, who gave him an exasperated sigh and snatched the ointment from his fingers. Merlin smiled at him brightly in thanks.

“Run along, boys, and don’t get into too much trouble” Gaius grumbled, shaking his head, as if they were too much for him.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Gaius” Merlin quipped back, sending another smile his way as he guided Lancelot outside.

As they walked the corridors together, Merlin inspected his visible injuries, remembering how long it took him to wake up after Hengist’s attack outside the tunnels. Merlin himself was still aching in several points and the cut on his lip had reopened at least seven times in the last two days, spilling blood into his food on two different excruciating occasions. Lancelot struck him as the guy who would bleed out in front of you but avoid telling you about it and during the last year Merlin had had a great deal of experience with dealing with this certain type of headcase, so he put his knowledge to fruition and studied him carefully for any sign of distress.

“What do you say I buy you an ale?” Lancelot asked, distracting him from his scrutiny.

“Sure, and you can tell me all about how you’re enjoying your stay at the Rising Sun” Merlin replied, slapping a hand on Lancelot’s arm in a companionable gesture.

“Well, for me I’m way more interested in what you have to say” Lancelot said in response, knocking his shoulders into Merlin’s playfully before turning somber, “After all a lot has changed since I have left”.

Merlin nodded as they hopped the last couple of stairsteps and walked outside.

“If I am to tell you all that, we might need more privacy than a tavern can offer us” he commented, almost apologetic, but Lancelot gave him a look that told him he understood.

“I can always buy you that ale some other time” Lancelot said, shrugging minutely, and Merlin was hit by the realisation that Lancelot was going to  _ stay _ .

He smiled brightly.

“I know a good place where we can talk undisturbed” Merlin assured and Lancelot waved a hand in front of him to invite Merlin into showing him the way.

They walked side by side silently as Merlin led them outside Camelot’s walls, towards a secluded small pond he always sat in front of to look at the frogs when he felt lonely. He had never brought anyone here before. They had to climb over the mouldy wet wall that surrounded it to reach it, and they sat comfortably on the grass as the light of the full moon glinted on the surface of the pond.

Merlin hugged his knees to his chest, hesitating briefly before launching himself into narrating everything that had passed since Lancelot’s four days in Camelot -Edwin, Sophia, Mordred, the Undead Tristan de Bois, Ealdor, Arthur’s trials, Nimueh, he didn’t stop until everything had been laid out. It was different from the time he had told Morgana these same stories, these same truths that only he and Gaius had known. Lancelot had no previous frame of reference to dispute and Merlin had no lies he needed to apologise for to him. Merlin felt refreshed by how openly Lancelot listened, devoid of any trace of judgement, and by the comfort the man offered him with an arm around his shoulders when Merlin told him of the night King Uther died, about how helpless and powerless and guilty he still felt.

“It wasn’t your fault” Lancelot kept repeating and Merlin kept shaking his head with a bitter smile, while frogs jumped at their feet and croaked.

“I agree with Lady Morgana” Lancelot said when he was finished, “You do not need to continue carrying this burden alone”.

Merlin dragged a hand over his face slowly, feeling like an old rag that had been wrung too many times.

“I don’t know whether Arthur will actually let me stay or not, but I offer you my sword in help any time you might need it” Lancelot added, squeezing his shoulder briefly before releasing him and scooting away to drop his fingers into the pond. The water rippled slightly and frogs started croaking harder at him in disdain. Lancelot smiled to himself and gently ran a finger down a frog’s back, making it jump away.

“Uther was the one who wanted you gone… I don’t think Arthur will have any problem with you staying here” Merlin assured him, knocking his foot against Lancelot’s ankle.

“I suppose you’re right. Arthur seems a much more reasonable king” Lancelot replied, grabbing Merlin’s foot and shoving it away playfully.

“He will be a great one as time goes by” Merlin said, flopping down to lay with his eyes up to the night sky. The stars twinkled and the wind blowed gently over him, while Lancelot made the water splash around, and Merlin let the sounds around him travel through him soothingly.

“You have great faith in him” Lancelot commented, shifting to mirror Merlin’s sprawl upside down. Merlin tapped his foot against Lancelot’s forehead, making him laugh briefly as he swatted him away.

“I have been told since I met him that it was his destiny to rule Camelot justly, but I don’t believe in destiny anymore. I believe in him” Merlin replied simply enough, gaze fixated on the starry sky, and now that they had said everything they needed to say to each other, they could just lay comfortably in the quiet of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next one is already written and sealed, so i promise you will see me again very very soon. ah also i apologise for failing the bechdel test almost on purpose and making gwen and morgana talk about men when they're alone, this is the last time it'll happen lol


	10. A Shattered Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur learns something new. Merlin leaves on a small quest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiii this is going to be the last chapter for a long while, i'm sorry :(( but this one will give you food for thought... like... there is actually a plot here, guys. yes, i'm as surprised as you are. and arthur is finally growing?? i mean, it took him 70k words but he's finally there. let's be happy about that.

Arthur had spent a restless night staring at the canopy over his head and chasing away any semblance of serious thought from his mind. Thankfully he was trained to function without sleep for any length of time, so he rose with the sun, washing himself and getting ready for his day in complete solitude. He hadn’t been expecting Merlin to show up at all and he especially hadn’t been expecting him to bring him breakfast, but there he was, quietly shutting the door behind himself and placing the breakfast tray on his table while the king was fixing his jacket over his shoulders. Arthur looked at him intently as the boy flattened himself against the wall next to the door wordlessly, like he expected Arthur to shout at him and order him out of the room. Arthur eyed the food for a second, conflicted.

“I’m not really hungry” he admitted, thinking of how ready he had been to get out of his quarters two seconds before Merlin had arrived.

Merlin bowed his head, staring at the floor.

“I can bring it back to the kitchen, sire” he offered and Arthur hesitated, because he really didn’t want him to leave.

“It’s okay” he said casually, sliding his jacket back off and sitting in front of the plate of sausages and fruit.

“Am I dismissed, sire? Or are you in need of anything else?” Merlin asked, stepping forward to pour water into Arthur’s goblet.

“I don’t need anything but…” Arthur forced himself to say it: “But I would like for you to stay”.

Merlin’s face didn’t betray anything as he gave a stiff nod. Arthur turned his gaze on his breakfast, full of doubt, and busied himself with cutting the sausage in little pieces.

“Have you found a replacement yet, sire?” Merlin asked very quietly.

Arthur’s head snapped up towards him.

“What do you mean?”.

“You said yesterday that-” Merlin started, and with a flash of understanding Arthur scrambled to interrupt him.

“I didn’t mean any of it. Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin, you’re not  _ fired _ ”.

Arthur’s heart beat disturbingly fast at the thought.

Merlin nodded at the floor in acknowledgement and Arthur realised he had been avoiding his eyes since he arrived.

His fingers clenched on his fork as he searched for the right words to say, but he blanked. This was way more difficult than the last time he had to apologise to him, right before his coronation. He tried to recall his own words at the time, how sure he had felt about what he was saying and the reasons why he was saying it, and he tried to recreate it in his mind, but he came up empty handed. He knew he had crossed a line and acted like an irrationally jealous ass and he didn’t know what to say without aggravating the situation.

He also had Morgana’s words clattering in his mind and he pondered over confessing outright and getting it over with before he started overthinking.

Rejection wasn’t something Arthur had ever accepted quietly, because he simply wasn’t accustomed to it, but while he had never had to ask for anything his whole life, the things he most wanted had always been elusive to him. The warmth of a mother, his father’s unconditional love, someone he could share himself with and that treated him like a person and not an ideal. And now Merlin could become another thing he would never have despite how much he needed him.

“I- I’m sorry for yesterday, I was being unfair,” he started, staring at the cracks in the wooden table.

“It’s alright, sire” Merlin replied, sounding uncomfortable. ‘ _ That makes two of us _ ’ Arthur thought, dropping the fork with a clank and shoving the plate away from him.

“Don’t say it’s  _ ‘alright’ _ , I’m trying to apologise here” Arthur said, dragging a hand through his blond hair and tugging at the shortest strands.

Merlin tucked his chin on his chest, staring hard at the floor once again.

“I’m sorry I acted like that. You didn’t deserve any of it, especially since you were only talking to someone you consider your friend, even though she’s a noble. I was the one who kept allowing it between you and me, after all, even though it’s unusual and unadvisable, thus I can’t blame you for making a habit of it”.

Merlin stayed silent and Arthur winced, wishing he hadn’t said that last part.

He huffed in frustration, scrubbing two fingers over his left eye.

“I’m not good at this” he admitted in defeat, finally turning towards Merlin, who was standing with his hands behind his back in bewilderment.

Arthur stood up, thinking that maybe actions were better than words on occasions like these, and strode to stand in front of him and grab him by the wrists.

Arthur thought of Will sleeping in Merlin’s room for a month, of Merlin holding Gwen’s hand while they walked, of Merlin hugging Morgana close in her cell, of Lancelot sliding his fingers through Merlin’s hair, and he chucked it all away. There was no use in letting all of that take up the space between them and now that Arthur had finally let go of it, he could notice the way Merlin looked at him. Those same eyes with that same warmth in them were supposed to be familiar, but as Arthur finally let himself look, he realised he had been missing something in them in all these months. It was the same way Merlin had looked at him while drinking a poisoned chalice for him in the middle of a feast, and when Arthur had repaid him in kind by drinking from the goblet Anhora presented to them, and when Arthur had followed him to Ealdor, and the day of his coronation.

As Arthur stroked the skin of Merlin’s wrist with his thumbs, he realised Merlin had been loving him for just as long as he had.

“I’m sorry I’m not good at apologies and I’m sorry it took me this long” Arthur said, looking at their hands, and he was ready. He was irrevocably ready as he leaned forward just an inch.

Merlin, apparently, wasn’t, because he gently extricated his hands from Arthur’s and interrupted him, eyes wide and a little panicked.

“I have to request two days off to leave Camelot,” he announced, frazzled, and Arthur just stepped back from him in surprise.

“Why?” he asked, confused, as he tried to not feel hurt.

Merlin looked conflicted as he fingered the edges of his threadbare jacket.

“I was just sent word from my mother that she’s ill, sire” he said, looking at the stone floor once again.

Arthur felt his heart sink, thinking of Hunith all alone in Ealdor, and he nodded right away.

“You can go, of course” he replied, understanding now that trying to kiss him today had been a bad idea. “I know how worried you must be. If you want me to come with you, we could leave right away” he offered, even though he knew it was just a hollow gesture. He couldn’t allow himself to leave Camelot without its king again so soon, and Merlin must have known that too because he sent a dry small smile at him in response.

“There is no need” he said, shrugging, and Arthur nodded stiffly before doing something he never had before.

He stepped forward and threw his arms around Merlin, hugging him close to his chest.

“I wish your mother a speedy recovery” he said, feeling absurdly inadequate, but Merlin hugged him back and suddenly he stopped caring about anything else.

***

Merlin always felt awful after lying to Arthur, but this particular lie took the cake.

The moment Merlin had realised Arthur was going for a kiss, he had felt shrill warning bells in his mind, and he had tried to put as much space between them as possible, so of course he asked him permission to leave Camelot.

Merlin knew he was running away from something he didn’t want to face, but he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t kiss Arthur when there were still so many secrets between them. Merlin wasn’t going to let Arthur get himself into this mess without being aware of all the catches.

He tried to convince himself that leaving for a couple of days was a good idea, as he packed his satchel with essentials.

He felt guilty but he remembered he was leaving for Morgana's sake and he let that being consolation enough.

As he was writing a note for Gaius, someone cleared their throat from the doorstep.

Merlin looked up from where he was bent over the table and saw Lancelot waving at him.

“You’re leaving?” Lancelot asked, pointing to his bag.

“Yes, I have to get the crystals,” Merlin said distractedly as he signed the note with a flourish.

“Good, let me catch my sword and pay my due to the innkeeper and I’ll be right with you” Lancelot said, leaving instantly and denying Merlin any chance to protest.

Merlin mumbled dejectedly under his breath as he folded his note and left it under Gaius’s mortar on his worktable, knowing the old man would notice it immediately.

Merlin hurried out of the physician’s quarters, wanting to warn one last person before he left.

Luckily enough, he ran into her almost right away. Gwen appeared in front of him when he turned a right corner, arms full of clean linens.

She looked at him calculatingly, taking in his travelling boots and his satchel.

“You’re leaving for the cave,” she said, frowning at him.

“Yes” he confirmed, glad of how quick she always was, “If you could also warn Morgana and Will of my absence I’d be very glad”.

Gwen sighed, but acquiesced.

“Just be careful” she said, shifting the linens to one arm so that she could reach out to squeeze his forearm. Merlin winked at her.

“You worry too much” he sent behind his shoulder as he left for the stables.

Once there, he patted his usual mare with familiarity and she butted her nose against his face affectionately while he took his time to fix the saddle and all its straps.

“Where do you think you’re going without saying bye?” Will’s voice suddenly said behind him.

Merlin turned halfway towards him to see him standing in front of the stables while concealing something behind his back.

“I see Gwen found you quickly,” Merlin commented.

“I brought you something,” Will announced with a shrug when he noticed Merlin looking.

He then held a sheathed sword in front of him, offering it to Merlin.

“Will,” he called, bewildered.

“It’s my best sword yet. Marcus said I could keep it so I’m giving it to you” Will said, pushing the weapon forward again, but Merlin didn’t take it.

“You realise I don’t need it, right?” Merlin argued, chuckling, but Will just stubbornly pushed it forward once more.

“Last time you left was a disaster” Will said, something dark passing through his face, “It would help me sleep better at night if you just took this with you. It might prove useless but it doesn’t hurt having one more thing to defend yourself with”.

Merlin sighed but took the sheath and secured it against his belt.

“Thank you, Will,” he said earnestly, patting his friend’s elbow, and felt guilty at the realisation that he hadn't been thinking at all about what he had been putting his oldest friend through lately.

“Don’t get yourself killed” Will said tersely, patting Merlin's cheek, “The world wouldn’t be the same without your ugly mug”.

Merlin rolled his eyes at him.

“Also, I’ve seen your new warrior lover walking around the citadel… Not bad, Merlin. I see you have permanently focused your taste on big, strong, hot-headed men who only care about honor and sword fights“ Will teased, making Merlin blush. Merlin wondered why everyone seemed to assume Lancelot was more than a friend to him but he set the thought aside, knowing they wouldn’t really understand the way it worked between him and Lancelot.

“I have to ask, though, do all men here look like that?” Will added, waggling his eyebrows and Merlin groaned dejectedly at him.

“Why are you asking? Aren’t you involved with that seamstress… what’s her name… Evelyn?” Merlin countered, ready to play dirty. He satisfyingly noticed Will’s sunburnt face turning even redder.

“You’re insufferable, I take back what I said about the world needing your ugly mug” Will grumbled.

Merlin laughed.

“Promise me you’ll be back in two days” Will said suddenly as Merlin was guiding his mare outside.

“I promise”.

Will nodded in acknowledgement and quietly watched him leave.

At the outskirts of the Darkling Woods, Lancelot was waiting for him with his own packed bag. His sword's hilt glinted in the sunlight.

Merlin held out a hand to help him climb up on the horse.

“Well, let’s go then” Lancelot said, settling behind him and sneaking a hand down Merlin’s front to hold onto him.

Merlin’s lips twitched into a smile and he gently spurred his mare forward.

***

Arthur had another awful day of meetings, which only cemented in him the desire to get rid of all of his advisors, but he knew he still needed them in his first year as king. They sometimes had valuable insights on matters that he had been too young to be made a part of before Uther died and he still held onto hope that maybe one of them could tell him about whatever had happened during the Great Purge, despite their answers to the contrary when he had first asked. While he was aware that it was useless to still be hung up on things he would never know for sure, his mind refused to forget the look in his father’s eyes as Nimueh stood in front of them. He had thought Uther to be afraid of nothing, or at least he had been taught so, and yet the utter terror that paralyzed the old man had told him the opposite. Nimueh was the only thing that had made proud Uther tremble and she was still out there, knowing things Arthur could only make conjectures about.

His advisors were mostly stupid old rich men and he still would have rather had Nimueh choking him again than having to hear them drone on about the latest fluctuations in wheat prices. Arthur was a soldier, not a politician and especially not an economist.

He wanted to focus on discovering whether Cenred was plotting behind his back to infiltrate Camelot while the new king was busy finding his bearings and yet the court didn’t want him to waste resources anywhere in that direction.

Arthur left the court meeting feeling like he was trying to juggle too many worries at once. Thus, an idea sprung in his mind. He got out of his formal clothes and digged into old ripped tunics that he hadn’t put on in years until he found a black one that fit him well enough around the shoulders. He slid into the blue cloak he had borrowed from Merlin once and then never gave back. Before he left, he remembered just in time to kick off his sturdy leather boots and put on an old pair of hunting boots with battered soles. Satisfied with his disguise, he sneaked away through the corridors, knowing exactly what paths to take to go unnoticed.

When he was finally outside into the crisp afternoon breeze, he felt some tension lift from his shoulders.

He didn’t know where he was directed yet and he revelled into the possibilities, bent on enjoying the freedom while it lasted.

What he hadn’t expected to find twenty minutes into his walk was Will sweeping the street in front of the forge where he had been taken in for an apprenticeship. He didn’t know if his own feet had brought him here on purpose, but here he was anyway, watching the young man work.

It took Will almost too long to notice him but he did it right in time, just when Arthur was about to lose his nerve and leave.

The young apprentice frowned at the king, broom in hand, and then scoffed loudly.

“Give me five minutes” he said enigmatically enough before disappearing into Marcus’s shop.

Arthur wondered how a walk that was supposed to calm him down had suddenly morphed into him seeking out Will’s company. He picked at his mind in search of an answer, but he came up empty. As Will stepped back out and started walking, Arthur decided to just go along with it and so he followed his lead.

Will guided him deeper into the town and farther from the citadel’s walls, into alleys Arthur had never actually walked across.

The king asked himself how well he could lead his people when he had barely taken a walk outside his castle to meet with them, but once again found himself filing away the thought for a more distant moment.

Finally, Will stopped in the middle of a dead end street and waved at a door that seemed to be two second from falling at the seams. Arthur heard a great amalgama of sounds coming from behind it and stepped forward, curious. There was no sign above it to indicate what kind of establishment it was.

“No one will notice us here” Will said with a shrug, “And more importantly no one will try to overhear”.

Arthur nodded in acknowledgement before pushing the door open with one hand.

“After you” he said, pointing inside, and Will slid inside the badly lit tavern.

They settled into a corner table as Arthur studied the room intently, eyes fixing on the group of merchants drunkenly singing an ode about a tankard of mead.

Arthur turned expectantly towards Will and folded his hands on the unsteady table, which creaked ominously under him.

“It has been a very long time since we last talked” he prompted, thinking of all those months ago in Ealdor.

Will scoffed at him, his opinion about their last chat evident in the barely concealed disdain in his body language.

“Are we supposed to exchange pleasantries? Do you want to hear about my job at the forge? Or do you want to go directly to the point?” the man challenged, mimicking Arthur’s pose and leaning on the table. Arthur hailed a passing maid with her hands full of dirty cutlery and he signaled an order for two goblets of ale.

“The problem is that I’m not even sure what the point is” Arthur admitted, looking at the woman retreating behind the counter to retrieve their drinks. Will hadn’t taken his eyes off the king for one second but Arthur wasn’t that easily intimidated. He turned and stared right back.

“Merlin. Merlin is the point. Always has been. He was the reason I didn’t leave Ealdor at thirteen years old and he is the reason I left it at twenty one. He is the reason I found out I like working as a blacksmith and he’s why I’m still here. He’s why _you’re_ here” Will said, with a haughty sniff, as he pushed his chair to sway on its hind legs. He swinged back and forth a couple of times, before realising the chair wasn’t able to endure the motion for longer without creaking dangerously. Arthur knew that if he had shown how much that motion annoyed him, Will would have kept swinging the chair just to spite him even if it meant it broke under him.

“Well” Arthur started, feeling hot under the collar just at the mention of his manservant, but Will silenced him with a withering glare.

“Don’t try to sell me your horseshit. I know you’re here scouting for threats or something-” the young apprentice began, looking ready to fight, while the barkeep slided their drinks in front of them silently before scurrying away, having sensed the tension between the two men.

“No. No, that’s not why- No” Arthur interrupted him hurriedly, putting as much finality as he could into that last word. He was done doubting Merlin.

Will studied him for a second before nodding stiffly.

“Good, because I moved on from Merlin many months ago and I have no desire to fight with you over him. We did enough of that back in Ealdor and let’s be really honest with each other, it wasn’t our proudest moment... for either of us” Will said, wrapping his fingers around his drink.

“Yes, that was… incredibly childish” Arthur agreed, taking a sip from his ale.

“Glad we grew up, then” Will replied dryly.

A pause stretched between them as Arthur found himself once again studying the other clients in the tavern. An old man was feeding a dangerously thin cat under his table, while a boy was trying to flirt with the barkeep to get a free drink and the merchants finally switched songs. Arthur fixed the cloak over his head neatly, before leaning forward once again.

“I guess I’m here to make peace” the king said, tapping two fingers on the table distractedly. Will scoffed and raised his eyebrows at him.

“Peace? With a warlock?” the man asked, voice sharp as a knife, and Arthur had learnt how to recognise a test when he stumbled upon it.

“No. Peace with a good man” Arthur replied instantly, no trace of hesitation in his voice, thinking of Will saving his fellow villagers with a spell and then taking an arrow in the shoulder for him.

“You’re making it very difficult for me to hate your guts” Will said, looking at the contents of his goblet like it held the secrets of the universe and Arthur took it as a sign that he was uncomfortable at the revelation.

“I won’t apologise for that” Arthur countered with a low laugh. Will’s lips twitched into an almost-smile and the man relaxed visibly.

“I thought that knowing one nobleman was knowing them all. But… Gods know I’m going to regret saying this but… You’re different. You care” Will added, stopping once to take a swig of his ale.  “The world is full of heartless people, but you're not one of them. Kanen was. And I’m glad he’s food for worms now” Will concluded, voice hard, and Arthur surprisingly found himself agreeing with the sentiment.

“You’re different than I thought too” the king admitted, finding this simple fact disconcerting. Maybe, his mind teased, the two of them were more similar than they appeared.

“You’re not the first one to tell me that, get in line” Will said in response with an almost smug smirk.

Another pause eased its way into their conversation as they nursed their drinks until the last drop and ordered another round.

Now it was Arthur’s turn to extend an olive branch.

“Merlin thought that if I knew you were here in Camelot, you would have been in danger. I wanted to reassure you that as long as you don’t hurt anyone you’re in no danger at all, despite what the laws say against your kind. I won’t ask you anything more than I ask all the citizens of Camelot” Arthur said, drawing his shoulders tighter to his body. He could practically feel his father’s ghost clanging on his chains in outraged disapproval. Arthur told himself that he would never become the king he wanted to be if he let Uther still govern his every thought from beyond the grave and he felt his resolve strengthen. This simply was the right thing to do.

“Aren’t you the king? Aren’t you the one who makes the laws? Gods, Pendragon… You have living proof that magic isn’t the evil the mad king thought it was and you still want to leave those laws intact?” Will argued, scathingly, and Arthur wished he had his fiery naivety. He breezed past the words _‘mad king’_ , knowing arguing wasn’t worth it, and tried to explain at the best he could. He didn’t know why it felt so important to make Will understand, but the ache was there and he decided there was no ill in indulging it.

“There are many laws I wish I could change, but it’s not that easy. I can’t just undo what my father built over decades in the blink of an eye” Arthur said and the _‘No matter how I wish I could’_ hanged between them in stark clarity, and he knew Will heard it, “There are many among the court that still uphold his values and they won’t give up tradition for anything in the world. If I displease even one of them so early in my rule, everything I want to fight for will only crumble away before I even get close to achieving it. I do one thing they don’t like: they _will_ betray me. And sooner than I realise I’d be neck deep into other kingdom’s armies, while kings everywhere suddenly discover weak points in our defenses. I want to change things but it will take time and to be completely honest it will take something I don’t own: gentleness and patience”.

Will sagged in his seat, frowning angrily at his ale. Arthur tried to tone down his fidgeting as he shifted minutely on his chair, fingers digging into the now lukewarm metal of his goblet.

“So just tear it all down” Will said, maddeningly stubborn, and Arthur threw his hands at the sky. He thought that maybe trying to explain had been a wrong idea, if this was what he received in return.

“You really think it’s that easy?” the king snapped, trying not to punch the table. He was suddenly overly conscious of the volume of his voice and he sighed, sneaking a glance around the tavern.

“Yes, because it is. You’re just scared of ruffling some feathers” Will replied, eyes flashing, and his tone was mocking, “Aren’t you a knight? Aren’t you a warrior? How are you suddenly so scared of a little fight in the name of something good?”.

Arthur thought of Will’s father and realised this was just one more test. He felt this knowledge fuel him as he counterattacked with his own argument, because the way Will kept pushing him was infuriating. Will of all people should be able to understand him and yet he opposed him simply out of stubborness.

“And how many good people would die in a war their king started just because he wanted to throw caution to the wind? Just because he didn’t want to even try getting results the hard way so he decided that achieving those results through a fast resolution was more important than risking his own people’s life? How many knights’ families would I have to console after leading their men to death?” Arthur countered, surprised by the look that got him from Will, who seemed taken aback as if Arthur had struck him right across the face.

Arthur felt guilty for a handful of moments, before deciding to backtrack.

“Damn, forget it” he huffed, trying to get their earlier banter back, “There’s no point in debating this with you, since you’re such a bull headed and insufferable buffoon”.

“Takes one to know one” Will replied instantly, as if it had been just an instinctive reflex, but the young apprentice was looking at him as if he was seeing him for the first time. Such scrutiny made Arthur uncomfortable, so he looked away.

“You’re making it very difficult for me to _not_ hate your guts” Arthur said, echoing Will’s own words and getting a startled laugh for his efforts.

“Damn, I’d rather have a burning rod down my throat than keep talking with such a spoiled brat” Will said, but his tone was light and his eyes clear, and Arthur knew it was just his peculiar way to friendly tease him.

“Well, then I guess we’re done here” Arthur grunted in response but he didn’t get up from his chair and was pleasantly surprised when Will didn’t seem to have any intention to do so either.

“Another drink?” Will asked, casually, as he waved his empty goblet in the air.

Arthur felt his face spontaneously break out into a smile.

“Only if you’re paying” he replied, slapping a hand on the table, and Will laughed.

***

Merlin and Lancelot rode on well past the falling of the night, until Lancelot poked him in the side repeatedly so they could stop and eat.

“We’re basically there” Merlin argued to no avail, but he just couldn’t concede without a fight.

“Exactly why we should eat something. Who knows what we’ll have to face… The White Mountains are full of cutthroats and bandits and we were lucky we didn’t stumble in any trouble there, but I wouldn’t count too much on luck now. We're not just taking a stroll, we’re actually about to enter a cursed valley” Lancelot countered, shoving a small block of cheese into Merlin’s hands.

Dinner was a quick affair, as they sat by a small river that seemed to lead right where they wanted to go.

“I admire what you are doing for Lady Morgana” the warrior said around a mouthful of stale bread and too soft cheese. Merlin shrugged, almost embarrassed by Lancelot’s earnest affection.

“You have a great heart with an unending ability to love people… Arthur doesn’t know how lucky he is to hold it in his hands” Lancelot added with a half smile. His brown eyes were brimming and Merlin felt almost intimidated by their intensity.

“He doesn’t know how much… how much I care for him”.

“He is not that oblivious, Merlin” Lancelot said, in a kind voice. Merlin snorted, biting down on his own dinner.

Lancelot had always understood him in a quiet and accepting way that no one ever had -not Will, not Gwen, and not even Morgana. Merlin cherished this friendship endlessly, even though it had had a different nature the first time Lancelot had come to Camelot. They had been instantly attracted to one another and Merlin remembered fondly the nights they shared in his room above Gaius’s quarters. They had been somehow infinitely younger than they were now, a year later, and they had taken pleasure from each other in a way that held no promise of lasting -and they had been aware of it the whole time. It had been no more than a friendly fling, destined to live only in that small space of four days, and Merlin was glad it happened.

As he lost himself in his thoughts, Merlin walked closer by the river. Something in the back of his mind was hailing him.

Merlin bent down to run his fingers through the water, drawn to it by something calling to him as he watched the water seep away.

“We’re definitely going the right way” he commented and Lancelot frowned at him.

Merlin rose back up, taking his mare’s reins and guiding her where the water was directing him.

“Maybe we should wait and sleep for the night. It’s gotten too dark to see” Lancelot warned and Merlin turned halfway towards him, holding his hand with his palm up.

“ _Leoht_ ” he said and with a flash of yellow brightening his eyes, a ball of light flickered into life. Merlin sent it floating over their heads, illuminating the path several feet ahead of them.

“You were saying?” Merlin said in a teasing tone and Lancelot laughed in response.

They proceeded with no interruption in the still air of the night. The earth was becoming more and more unsteady as their boots squelched in mud and stumbled on rocks.

When they reached a small hill wrapped in silence, Merlin strained his ears and narrowed his eyes. The leaves were impossibly still and not even their heavy steps shattered the total absence of sound.

“This is starting to become almost too eerie for me” Lancelot whispered with a confident half smirk, but his hand inching towards his sword betrayed the full extent of his tension.

They stumbled down the small but steep hill, hands grasping behind them to not fall over, and found themselves into a secluded path.

“We’re there” Merlin announced, feeling the truth of his words down to his core, and a step forward proved him right as the light orb revealed two tall and imposing statues guarding the entry to the valley.

Merlin called the ball of light back into his hand and took a deep breath before enchanting it once again: “ _Ætíe mé þá bediglinge ic séce_ ”.

The orb bounced away from him and Merlin followed it eagerly, but as soon as they walked beyond the manmade gate it flickered into darkness.

Merlin felt Lancelot instantly draw his sword from its sheath.

“It wasn’t supposed to do that, right?” the warrior asked behind him and Merlin was pleased by how Lancelot’s instincts always steered him right.

“No” Merlin confirmed, bewildered, “It was supposed to bring us directly to the cave”.

Lancelot took a step back towards the statues.

“It must be a bad omen, should we retreat?” Lancelot inquired quietly as he lowered his sword slightly.

“No need to retreat, Emrys” a voice said in the dark behind them, startling Merlin into drawing his own sword. He swiveled on his feet only to meet the sight of an old man standing with his hands folded neatly behind his back.

“How do you know that name?” Merlin asked, swallowing around a lump of fear in his throat. The old man just smiled and that alone made Merlin loathe every single magical being that thought that being enigmatic was some original practice that made them interesting. For once, he wanted someone to tell him things exactly how they were. Merlin tilted his sword in his direction, furious, and the man looked at him with something akin to curiosity.

“Merlin, who are you talking to?” Lancelot asked hesitatingly, looking at their surroundings intently like he expected a full grown griffin to jump him, and Merlin frowned in confusion. However, the young warlock didn’t turn, keeping his gaze fixed on the old man before him. He could feel the sheer power of his magic coming from him in rivulets and it made every hair on Merlin’s body stand in high alert.

“Your friend cannot hear nor see me… neither can he enter the Crystal Cave with us” the old warlock said with another one of his enigmatic smiles.

“Who are you?” Merlin asked, fingers tightening on the hilt of his sword, which the man hadn’t even deigned with a look.

“My name is Taliesin. I have been waiting for you, Emrys” the old warlock said, and shivers ran down Merlin’s back. It was like something inside of him had an ancient knowledge of this name and Merlin realised that the magic inside of him had recognised Taliesin’s. He dropped his sword to the ground and Lancelot walked beside him in alarm, looking around frantically for any sign of threat. Merlin threw an arm against his chest, sending him a pointed glance. Lancelot nodded and stood still.

“Why can’t he come with us?” Merlin asked, turning back to Taliesin.

“Merlin, who is there?” Lancelot whispered, wide-eyed, but Merlin decided to ignore him for the time being.

“He is but a mortal. He cannot enter the place in which the magic of the world began” Taliesin explained, matter-of-factly, and Merlin bit down on his bottom lip while he considered carefully whether to trust him or not.

“Lancelot, you’ll have to stay behind” he ultimately said, going for what his gut instincts were telling him. He stepped over the discarded sword on the ground and nodded towards Taliesin.

“Says who?” Lancelot asked, sounding belligerent as he grabbed Merlin by the arm to stop him from walking farther away.

Merlin grabbed Lancelot by the shoulders gently, giving him one single look that he hoped conveyed the certainty of his choice.

“Do you trust me?” he asked, squeezing as lightly as he could. Lancelot clenched his jaw and glanced away, clearly upset.

“That’s a low blow, Merlin…” Lancelot mumbled but he nodded and let go of his arm and Merlin took it as the small victory it was.

“I’ll be back so soon you won’t be able to tell I was gone at all” he assured his friend, with one last squeeze, before gesturing to Taliesin to show him the way.

The old warlock led him farther into the valley with brisk steps that made him look like he was walking on air. When they reached the side of a hill covered in mold and Taliesin set a curtain of leaves and moss aside to uncover a hole roughly the size of a very big horse, Merlin thought back on the old man’s words.

“What did you mean when you said this was the place in which magic began?” he asked, as he climbed through the mouth of the cave.

He looked behind himself, expecting Taliesin to climb after him, but the entrance was empty. Merlin turned back around and almost jumped out of his skin when he found himself face to face with Taliesin, who was already standing ahead and looked maddeningly at ease.

_ 'Damn magical beings'  _ Merlin thought, letting out a shaky breath.

“The Cave is at the beginning of everything. The magic that was born here was the same magic that created earth and trees and rivers. Without the Cave, magic wouldn’t have reached the core of the world and life would have not been sprung into motion. This magic that permeates these walls is the same magic that is intrinsic to all forms of life, although the degree of magic inside any individual, creature or plant varies from case to case. You are made of this magic too, Emrys, just a little more than the average warlock” Taliesin narrated at length, as they walked side by side down the stony alcove which led into the actual cave.

“You still haven’t told me how you know my other name”.

Taliesin looked at him appraisingly before widening his arms and gesturing towards a small natural arch. Merlin sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, trying to steel himself, and then he walked through the arch.

The Cave stood before him in obliterating glory and Merlin struggled to take it all in, while the light reflecting on crystals jumped in his eyes as if to blind him.

“The moment of our meeting has been written for many, many years, but you’re here before your time… Something has changed. One small detail muddied up the future I was once certain of and created a new series of events” Taliesin explained, scratching his white beard with a pensive expression on his face that finally broke the mystical aura that had enveloped him until now.

“Do you at least know what I’m here for?” Merlin inquired quietly. He couldn’t imagine anything louder than a pacate whisper ever coming into being in such a place. The Crystal Cave demanded the utmost reverence at first glance.

“I must admit I do not” Taliesin replied beside him, with an amused smirk.

“I need a crystal that could help a Seer manage their powers” Merlin offered in explanation and now his plan to just come in and snatch a crystal sounded incredibly stupid to him. How was he supposed to know what to look for when the Cave was so vast and absurdly full?

“You are attempting to aid the witch Morgana” Taliesin concluded astonishingly fast, arching an eyebrow at him and making the ancient skin on his forehead ripple with wrinkles.

“She is a good person. And her powers are out of control, they’re overwhelming her” the young warlock said, defensively. Taliesin studied him for several seconds, working something over in his mind, until he reached a judgement and pointed at the cave with a flourish of his hand.

“The crystals are a dangerous entity… They gave me my ability to foretell the future and to return into the living world from beyond the veil whenever I’m needed. I have been deceased for three centuries, Emrys, awaiting you” the old warlock said, unsatisfyingly enough that Merlin felt tendrils of impatience unfurl inside him.

“Will you help me, then?” he asked, trying to get to the point. Taliesin bowed his head slightly with the warm and indulging smile that elders give to grumbling youths.

Merlin frowned as he looked at the crystals beneath him in anticipation.

“I shall endeavour to try. Although I cannot tell for certain, I do sincerely hope that your choice to entrust and aid Lady Morgana is the right one” Taliesin said, suddenly appearing at the other end of the path Merlin had been walking on.

The ancient warlock gestured at the sea of crystals that covered every surface of the cave before throwing himself into a lengthy explanation that would have put even Gaius’s lectures on medicine to shame.

“The crystal you seek is not rare, thus, I believe confidently that the Cave will not miss its presence. There are several varieties, some of which not even I know the powers of” - Taliesin smiled briefly before he started pointing at different pools of crystals as he talked- “Some can help you gain an advantageous glance into your future: these are the most volatile and difficult to use. Indeed only great sorcerers with not only great power but also great experience can handle them, otherwise visions would be incomplete and shattered. Others can make you take a peek on events that passed and thus give you great clarity of mind over many unanswered questions. There are also some that can help you spy on your own present, allowing you to see events beyond great distances. I have used those many times when I seeked to see my loved ones during my travels. Some crystals can even give you strength or make magic flow in the body of someone who had almost none or even give you powers no one had dared to dream of before -such as it happened to me, the first Seer of many. However, these here are the ones you are in need of… These will soak all of the excess of power Morgana cannot control. You must carve this crystal into a stone to be placed in an object she can always keep on her person. A jewel, perhaps, would be most appropriate” Taliesin concluded, bright grey eyes twinkling, and the pure merriment that shined through him at his own lecture made Merlin wonder if the old warlock had been a teacher in his previous life.

The young man took a deep breath, absorbing every piece of information slowly and storing it away. He looked at the crystals Taliesin had indicated and noticed the light pink hue that differentiated them from their neighbouring small crowd of crystals -which gave off a faint green reflection.

Merlin crouched on the elevated ground to reach into that variegated sea of crystals to gently grab the one he needed and tug it out of its residing place.

“Thank you… for everything that you have shown and taught me. I feel… enlightened” Merlin said slowly, also feeling overwhelmed as he reverently wrapped the crystal in a thick white cloth he had retrieved from his satchel. Taliesin gave him a smile that had a sense of finality to it and Merlin was suddenly struck by the notion that he was never going to meet this man ever again.

“It is I who must thank thee, Emrys… For the first time ever since I stumbled into this very Cave and was given my powers, I do not know what will come next. It is… rather thrilling” Taliesin said in a highly amused tone that made Merlin erupt into a short laugh.

“You mean you cannot tell the future anymore?” the young warlock asked, tucking the crystal in his satchel.

“As I have mentioned before, our meeting is premature. I was supposed to meet you more than a year from now and I was supposed to help your prince- ah, but he is king now, instead” Taliesin said, correcting himself quietly, like an afterthought, “I was supposed to save him and help you gather a quick look at some events that will now never happen. As of now, Emrys, the future is yours to shape in a way that no one has ever experienced before. You have been given great chances at a great liberty… Tread carefully”.

Merlin adjusted the strap of his satchel while he listened. He felt almost dizzy with all he had had to learn in just an hour, but he discarded his discomfort away and cleared his throat, trying to shake away the weight of these impressive new responsibilities from his shoulders.

“Thank you” Merlin repeated uselessly, but when he once more turned his eyes upwards, Taliesin was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couldn't say it upstairs but down here i can finally apologise for almost making you believe they'd kiss and then... that... sorry but this is one of those very long slow burns that make you go crazy with all the yearning and missed opportunities, just as i like it :)))) also will and arthur new besties? what do you think?  
> on a more serious note, i will try to write the next chapter at the best of my abilities but it's going to take some time. i don't know when it's going to happen but we'll see each other again don't doubt it. <3


End file.
